To not tell parents when i’m in labour?

[Grapes89]

We have told our parents we won’t be telling anybody when I’m in labour/go in to hospital and they seem upset - didn’t say much but went very quiet. I explained my reasoning of just wanting to focus on giving birth and not updating people. What if it takes days and they’re constantly messaging and my Mum is a massive worrier and I’m not going be in a position to deal with that!

We’d tell both sets of parents first. I said that we’d be in contact the morning/
afternoon/evening baby arrives to let them know and they can come round after we’re home (probably the next day). I’d love to say a few days with no visitors as just can’t imagine trying to establish breast feeding with an audience but feel too guilty to ask them to wait that long!

The only person we intend to tell is the person who’s agreed to look after our pets.

Having a bit of a giggle here at OP being told she's dramatic while others talk about being 'devastated' like that's totally normal!

It's your labour, do what works for you. And if you don't want your mum to know I'm sure you have your reasons.

Absolutely right, OP. We told no one with either. I wanted the first person to know about DS2 to be DS1 so made sure DH did not go home before we knew our friend would have dropped DS1 at ours with MIL . As it happened they were a bit later than usual and both cars arrived at the same time but DS1 did get to hear first.
There is no way I would have entertained messages or calls during my labours.

Honestly, there are some drama lamas on this thread. No one i know told their parents they were in labour unless they needed to for childcare reasons. Neither DH or I told our parents (although my mum figured it out after seeing I hadn't been 'active' on WhatsApp all day, she didn't message to ask though, just waited to hear from me)

I never even discussed it with my first child. We just decided I would contact my partner and head up to the hospital. I couldn't bear the thought of my older sister wanting to be there at the birth or her ringing every few minutes. Not just me but also the maternity reception if I don't answer. Had no choice with our second child someone had to look after the first child. He ended up staying with my brother and his wife. My nephew is a couple of months younger. Just told them not to mention it to our older sister. Luckily he arrived within 4 hours.

Completely normal not to tell your parents, unless they need to know for a good reason - they need to mind the dog or whatever. I suppose if labour dragged on or there were complications, maybe DH would have contacted them perhaps.

How often do you talk to your DM, will she not know and worry if you suddenly disappear and have a long complex labour over days?

I didn't tell my parents. I love them very much, but they are on the other side of the world. It would have done nothing but cause unnecessary worry and there's nothing they could have done! My dad still delights at the phone call they received in the middle of the night telling them that had a grandson!

It probably really helped that I went into labour at 39 weeks, so never really had to put up with the "any news yet" queries.

Lol at it being “precious” not to announce you’re in labour. It’s not a fanny free-for-all, women are allowed some privacy and to focus on themselves. Even if it leaves a bunch of very dramatic grandparents “devastated”.

FWIW OP my DP let my dad know I was in labour and he was annoyed at being woken up

I think because there is an element of risk with childbirth they will want to know that you are okay too.

A birth is most of all a private medical procedure and IMO no woman should feel compelled to share any information about it with others not actively involved in it, if that makes her uncomfortable. Nobody is entitled to know when you’re going into labour OP, I certainly didn’t tell my mother or my MIL, just like I refused to answer questions afterwards that made me uncomfortable (MIL asking ‘how many stitches)

We lived abroad for DC1 & 2 so thankfully didn’t have to tell anyone who was family. Our neighbour looked after DC1 while I was in labour and we didn’t hear a peep.

DC3 was born in my home country and my parents looked after the older children. They had us absolutely tormented for info and ended up telling the older DC when the baby was born and what it was (which we had expressly told them we wanted to do), so I think you are doing the right thing!

A birth is most of all a private medical procedure and IMO no woman should feel compelled to share any information about it with others not actively involved in it

no, it’s not. A birth is actually very much NOT naturally a medical procedure. It is private, although in most natural states as humans other females of the tribe etc would be around to support and help. I understand why birth has become medicalised but pretending it’s a medical procedure is incorrect.

everyone who thinks it’s fine to tell parents only when they need childcare is pretty horrible IMO. Talking about using someone.

the PP whose birth was “ruined” by the phone ringing should have just put it on silent - it’s not hard

A birth is actually very much NOT naturally a medical procedure
Nothing is "naturally" a medical procedure are we used to just die of stuff going wrong, particularly during childbirth.
All the emotional blackmail on this thread is disgusting.
"Oh if you don't tell your mum when your foof starts to twinge, she might not love her grandchild, do you really want that? Do you???"
Give me a fucking break.
Birth is one event in a woman's life when she can put herself, her feelings, her needs top of the pile. God knows the average woman spends most of the rest of the time pushing herself down the pile, especially once she is a mother.

I didn't tell anyone when I started labouring. Only because my 1st took 2 days before actually going into hospital. I just text in family group saying going into hospital now. Be in touch...... And just left my phone if people text and asked how we were. My mil was the worst. Constant texts, asking any signs yet every bloody day.

This.

@Youseethethingis1

if you have a close enough relationship with your family to announce to them you won’t be calling them then presumably you are close enough to just let them know. As a PP said they will know anyway due to radio silence.

Personally I don't think it takes too much effort to send quick message when en route to hospital with a promise you will update as soon as there is news. I left all this with DH as I was in no state.
I would however insist there was no phoning for updates, with the assurance that as soon as there was news, they would be told.

Unfortunately all your mother heard from this message was

" when your beloved grandchild is finally coming .. I'm not telling you till it suits me and you are not coming round till I say you can "

I get why you wanted privacy and time but I think you should have just kept quiet and then called or face timed and said look what I've been doing for the last 10 hrs or whatever !

It's up to you but I'd feel a bit sad if it was my daughter. My husband kept our parents updated during labour and it didn't have any effect on me at all, I wasn't even aware of it.

@girafffesandbottoms I have a very close relationship with my parents but they didn’t know I was in labour as it all happened in the early hours in the morning, so no radio silence as I don’t normally call them at 3am.

I assume this whole devastation of not knowing whether your daughter is in labour has only started since the advent of mobile phones and social media and being able to be in constant contact.

We're not telling anyone when I go into labour. We'll update people (parents first) once he's here safely. Neither DH nor I want to be sending updates and responding to messages asking if the.M baby has arrived when we need to be focused on getting him out!

I suppose like all babies being different, all grannies are different. Some are lovely and supportive, and some are the complete opposite and make situations really stressful.

giving birth is one time where you need to put yourself first to concentrate on the job.

Because they said they want to know and keep calling for updates @girafffesandbottoms

Oh look at that @girafffesandbottoms , you've already been personally assured by OP that there was no "announcement". The question was asked and answered.

It's not your place or mine to presume anything about how close OP is to her parents or how she should therefore feel about them wanting to be informed of the onset of labour.

Keeping family.updated during labour (yep still in labour, no baby not born yet) is all well and good if you're in a hospital with good mobile signal. Some hospitals have such poor signal inside the maternity unit you need to go out into the car park. I won't be sending DH on 15 mins round trips to make calls when I need him to be with me.

All the replies just show how different family relationships are. Some are "devastated" that they wouldn't know their daughter was in labour and be kept up to date with every contraction / cm of dilation. Others think it's over dramatic to keep it a secret and it means that family will never be close again. While others think it's for every woman to decide for herself, based on what would be most helpful and least stressful. Also, if you don't see or phone your mum every day (like me) she really won't notice if you're not active on WhatsApp for a few hours, so that's a really silly argument.

I assume this whole devastation of not knowing whether your daughter is in labour has only started since the advent of mobile phones and social media and being able to be in constant contact

actually i was just thinking that

ds1 is 23 and obviously back then mobile phones weren’t quite as common