To not tell parents when i’m in labour?

[Grapes89]

We have told our parents we won’t be telling anybody when I’m in labour/go in to hospital and they seem upset - didn’t say much but went very quiet. I explained my reasoning of just wanting to focus on giving birth and not updating people. What if it takes days and they’re constantly messaging and my Mum is a massive worrier and I’m not going be in a position to deal with that!

We’d tell both sets of parents first. I said that we’d be in contact the morning/
afternoon/evening baby arrives to let them know and they can come round after we’re home (probably the next day). I’d love to say a few days with no visitors as just can’t imagine trying to establish breast feeding with an audience but feel too guilty to ask them to wait that long!

The only person we intend to tell is the person who’s agreed to look after our pets.

I didn't tell anyone when I was in labour with DD1 on DS. The only person I told with DD2 was my SIL as she was looking after DD1.
One of my friends didn't tell anyone until she'd been home for 3 days as she didn't want calls /texts/visitors until she was ready. It's totally up to you what you do.

Your choice but I'd be v upset if my daughter's didn't tell me. I guess it boils down to the relationship you have with your mother. If you're close then she is understandably going to feel hurt.

Better Granny is upset than the labouring mother.

@Pinklemonade1 can I ask why you would be upset to not have regular calls during labour to give you up dates? Wouldn't you just be happy get a call to say your grandchild has been born and everyone is safe and well, without spending possibly days and days sending endless texts wanting updates?

Or you can be close to your mother and she can not feel hurt at all. Not all people are the same. My mother would have cared if I hadn’t told her I’d given birth; she couldn’t have given a hoot about when and where I went into labour. And we were extremely close. People have different values and needs.

As others have said, your labour your choice, but I can empathise with your parents reaction to being told you wouldn't be telling them when you go into hospital.

If it helps, I informed my parents before the birth that DP would be in charge of updates via his WhatsApp once I'm in hospital, and managed expectations that since he'll be busy supporting me, as well as updating his own family, he won't be able to engage in back and forth, and replies might be delayed. They were all fine with this.

We also managed to have very few visitors for the first couple of weeks and I really appreciated this time to recover, establish BF and try to work out WTH we were doing! We set out our stall quite early on this, and didn't face any issues, but if we had have down I would have been polite but firm.

Genuinely, why?

I'd be more upset if I thought my daughter felt under pressure to keep me updated and wasn't able to labour in the way she wanted, even if that meant I'm not told until baby is here. My feelings really don't come into it.

It's not about how close the relationship is, it's individual personalities and dynamics. I'm very close to my mum but she is a worrier, who flaps and fusses. Telling her would have caused immense stress as she'd be unable to help herself in needing regular updates. We just told her when the baby arrived and trust me, it hasn't impacted her relationship with them at all. They are all extremely close and she's adored by all of her grandchildren, none of whom she was told their mum was in labour.

My DD had a planned c-section and said she didn't want anyone to know the day as she wanted to surprise us.Fair enough, her baby, her rules.

She then asked her MIL and FIL to drive her and her husband to the hospital and they waited around until the baby arrived and then visited straight away.
I know it's petty but I was a little hurt.

We have a very close relationship and I, along with everyone else, wasn't allowed to visit until the baby was five days old. I thought this was a sensible decision. I’m still jealous of MIL and FIL though.

During my labour I didn’t even know where my phone was I was just concentrating on getting through it. I had planned to tell my family when going in to labour but I didn’t get a chance. They all guessed anyway because I had gone quiet.

Enjoy that people are excited, a quick message to say it’s time and I’ll update you when baby is here is really all that is needed.

Erm just do what we did and say there's no mobile reception in the labour ward and put your phone on aeroplane mode. It was actually awful at our hospital which was a blessing.

Your choice! My waters broke early late one night (just before 37 weeks and had a section scheduled for nine days later so unexpected). I wasn't in active labour so they said they'd keep me in and do the op in the morning. We waited until shortly before my op to tell my parents. No point worrying them overnight. My dad came by later that day to meet his first grandchild.

I don’t know why anyone would make a big deal out of this. With DC1 we already had a WhatsApp group with my mum, sister and MiL, so DH just updated it periodically - I think he let them know when we headed in and then just sent a quick message every few hours with an update until baby was here. Yeah, we could have not told them, but I didn’t see the point imo? It went on for days anyway 😹 I have no idea where my phone was, and DH only picked his up to message ‘out’ as it were, so it wasn’t like we had to hold anyone’s hand.

Having DC2 by ELCS hopefully next week and they all know the date so again I guess we’ll just do the same and send a couple of updates and let them know when baby arrives?

Given the ease of communicating these days I don’t know why it needs to be a big deal IMO, but each to their own.

I didn't say anything about wanting regular updates through the labour. I said I'd feel hurt not to be informed that my daughter had gone into labour. I would understand that once labour had started I would just have to wait it out.

You're over thinking this. You might not be in Labour for very long at all. I didn't tell my family until baby had been born but I was in and baby born in less than 3 hours from arriving at hospital. No one expects updates from a woman in delivery suite.
Why did you feel that you had to tell them that you weren't going to tell them?!

Yanbu. I had a 4 day labour, I got half way and then just didnt progress while being in massive pain and completely sleep deprived (contractions every 4 or 5 min for that whole time so couldn't sleep). Having to update my worried mum at regular intervals was shit, every time we were quiet for more than a few hours she convinced herself something awful had happened. Wish I'd left it til the midwife had said it was going to be very soon (although it was still then 8 hours!)

It never occurred to me to tell anyone when I went into labour with my first child. I had no idea this was something you might do. Family all live a long way away, but we get on well with all of them. PILs and my sister came to see us the day after the baby was born, my parents came a few days later as they live overseas.

DC2/3 was a planned C section and everyone knew the date. DPs looked after DD1 for us and bought her to hospital to meet them that day. DH updated everyone as soon as he reasonably could after the surgery as we knew they'd all be anxiously waiting. Whereas with DD1 we did it in our own time (though that was still within a couple of hours of her arrival).

I think not telling people is a totally reasonable thing to do.

For anybody who’s asked my previous updates explain why I felt I needed to say and that it wasn’t an announcement or just said out of the blue! I haven’t made a big deal just responded to expectations.

So much Mum guilt before baby is even here! I miraculously had a great nights sleep and whilst I felt a bit guilty yesterday I’m now completely sure its right for everybody they know we won’t be saying anything until baby has arrived. Once baby’s here we’ll call both sets of grandparents and invite them round all together either the day we get home or the following if it’s very late.

To answer a few other posters:

My parents are not pet people, DP’s parents would have happily looked after them but to ensure fairness we have a friend who’s offered so neither feels hard done by or gets to know before the other.

Wanting to labour without people knowing doesn’t mean I’ll be difficult with baby or all PFB. I can’t imagine I’ll care much who comes round or wants a cuddle after we’re settled as long as I’m half decent! Usually I speak to parents every other day and see each other once a week or so.

My birth will be medicalised in some way as I’ll happily take all the drugs offered
and my plan to be in hospital. Wether or not it’s medical it’s not a moment I want to be or feel exposed in or share and this wont change because grandparents want/expect to know.

I completely appreciate others feel different about their own labour and wanted their Mum there and lots of people to talk to etc. I don’t feel that way though. I’m not one for instant updates or a lot of attention and when my Mum has been present in hospital with me in the past her stress which she cannot hide has only raised mine and when I point that out she’ll just say ‘I can’t help it’… she really can’t but that means for me she’s better not involved in that moment!

@Grapes89 it sounds like our mums are very very similar when it comes to medical matters! Mine cried when I told her I needed IVF and I had to comfort her... You don't want to feel that you should be reassuring and comforting someone over the phone when you're in labour and, you know, have other things on your mind! All the best for the rest of your pregnancy 💐

There’s no way I will tell my parents and my in-laws when I go into labour. I find it a bit weird TBH. My sister had to be induced and I hated the not knowing what was going on, ignorance would definitely have been bliss. I just think it’s nice to have that little secret and then phone them when the baby is here and say “you’ve got a grand son/daughter”

Mind you, I also find the tagging of hospitals cringey when friends have gone into labour. It’s over sharing at its worse

@Grapes89 fair enough, my mum is a very stoic type and wouldn’t have dreamed of badgering for updates - if she had been maybe I’d have felt differently but she is very much a ‘worrying doesn’t solve a problem’ person 😄

MIL is very much like that though and (while I love her dearly!!) I find it quite frustrating as it’s not something I have experience of or have much time for… which is precisely why my marriage has a ‘if she gets like that she’s your problem, DH’ rule ;-)

I told my mum I was in labour with my 1st and she was constantly calling the hospital. With my 2nd I would've needed to tell them again so they could take my oldest but as luck would have it they took her for the weekend on the Friday and i had dd2 24hrs later in a very quick labour where she was born on the living room floor. So they were told after the fact lol.

YANBU OP. Me and DP won't be telling any family when I go into labour - luckily his mum isn't the intrusive sort at all, she's always been incredibly respectful of the need for personal space, and mine lives hours away anyway.

The only people who'll need to know are the staff my DP works with, as he's their manager and might need to scarper!

YANBU. I had an ELCS, only told our parents and siblings the date and even that was a disaster. There was an emergency which meant I didn't go to theatre to 1330 and we were tortured with messages, phone www constantly binging even though my partner told everyone he would text when I was going to theatre and then once baby was born and all was ok. It's unnecessary stress and annoyance and if we're lucky enough to have another baby, I will only be telling my mum when I'm going in.

This is my take on it too. Announcing this intention created a drama where there originally wasn't one.

What you say and at what point is your decision, but to announce in advance that you won't be communicating with her was probably not the best approach.

Once you are in labour have an open mind. See how things go. You may feel totally different and you just can't know at this stage.

I assume this whole devastation of not knowing whether your daughter is in labour has only started since the advent of mobile phones and social media and being able to be in constant contact

but of course. It’s so easy to send a 10 second text “XYZ in labour, will update when baby here” and then switch phone off or whatever. I don’t see what the issue is with that. One of my labours was an induction and I had daaaaaayyys of texting in pain and bored. The next was 3.5 hours and I texted a few people in the beginning and then when baby was here. I just don’t like the sort of “we aren’t telling you nah nah nah nah” attitude