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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To judge them a bit?

320 replies

Judgeygem · 10/05/2022 18:49

My friend is 30 and on paper has a life I would envy, has a gorgeous house so much so it has its own Instagram account and lots of followers, goes on nice holidays a lot, plenty of money, cute kids, always dresses nice, always has her nails done! I went to her wedding last year and it was lovely and clearly expensive but I just couldn’t get over her husband. She’s 30 and he’s 45! He is handsome and younger looking than his age but I couldn’t grasp why such an attractive vibrant women would marry someone who’s going to be an old man so soon? I saw them today and couldn’t help but judge them a bit, though they look very happy. AIBU? Why do women shortchange themselves in this way?

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 10/05/2022 21:32

dottymac · 10/05/2022 21:29

She's not short-changing herself if she's happy. They're a happy couple so it sounds like it's the jackpot 🤷

^
And 45 isn’t old! Cheeky!🤣

EarringsandLipstick · 10/05/2022 21:33

“Better to be an old mans darling than a young mans slave.

Such a grim expression, in every way

brookstar · 10/05/2022 21:33

Beepbopblop · 10/05/2022 21:31

I don’t think I would be encouraging any daughter of mine to enter a relationship with a man 15 years her senior, I am sorry and accept that I am I lthe minority apparently 😳🙄.

I think a lot of people on here are getting triggered because you said 45 was old, it’s not, but compared to 30 it is in terms of personal relationship maturity. Although I just don’t get massive age gaps, it’s impractical for many reasons, and some how I think at least one or both are in it for their own convenience rather than a real bond.

What do you class as a 'massive age gap'?

EarringsandLipstick · 10/05/2022 21:33

GoonersGirl · 10/05/2022 21:26

My late husband was 15 years older than me…. Cancer took him from me (and our DS) at age 50.
We were blissfully happy and although it is 21 years ago, I miss him every single day. Our age gap meant nothing to us and he was way fitter and more sporting than me. The cancer was one of the ‘silent’ ones and he was given just 4 weeks to live upon diagnosis.
He was the finest of men, as a husband and a Daddy.
Maybe your friend feels the same way? If he is ‘the one’ then any age gap is irrelevant.

What a lovely post.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐

TweetingFromTheRoof · 10/05/2022 21:34

My parents have a ten year age gap, they met when she was 20. This was in the 60s, they have been happily married for 59 years this summer. I don't think 15 years is that much of an age gap.

THISYEARYEAR · 10/05/2022 21:34

You sound crazy OP.

brookstar · 10/05/2022 21:35

GoonersGirl · 10/05/2022 21:26

My late husband was 15 years older than me…. Cancer took him from me (and our DS) at age 50.
We were blissfully happy and although it is 21 years ago, I miss him every single day. Our age gap meant nothing to us and he was way fitter and more sporting than me. The cancer was one of the ‘silent’ ones and he was given just 4 weeks to live upon diagnosis.
He was the finest of men, as a husband and a Daddy.
Maybe your friend feels the same way? If he is ‘the one’ then any age gap is irrelevant.

I'm so sorry to hear this.
It sounds like he was a lovely man Flowers

Stravaig · 10/05/2022 21:38

You never know what's just around the corner, OP! At age 28 I met a great love of my life, when he was 53. He's dead now, I still miss him, and grief is the most exquisitely painful thing. Yet I don't regret it. My relationship with him nourishes me still.

AnAfternoonWalk · 10/05/2022 21:38

Beepbopblop · 10/05/2022 21:31

I don’t think I would be encouraging any daughter of mine to enter a relationship with a man 15 years her senior, I am sorry and accept that I am I lthe minority apparently 😳🙄.

I think a lot of people on here are getting triggered because you said 45 was old, it’s not, but compared to 30 it is in terms of personal relationship maturity. Although I just don’t get massive age gaps, it’s impractical for many reasons, and some how I think at least one or both are in it for their own convenience rather than a real bond.

I agree. I think some are getting triggered as if they were the subject of op’s post or getting hung up on the age because they are that age. Has nothing to do with being 45 itself but the age gap in relationships.

josil · 10/05/2022 21:39

I completely agree with some posters saying they would not want their daughter in a relationship with someone 15 years older but this is her best mate not her daughter!!!

That is what it reeks of jealousy and OP hasn't even pointed out why it bothers her he is older, she has no logical reason it's not like she is looking out for her friend or at least she hasn't mentioned such.

Also a poster mentioned some of us maybe triggered for OP thinking 45 is old, no I'm mid thirties and still think the thread is mean spirited or at least the OP is.

josil · 10/05/2022 21:40

Stravaig · 10/05/2022 21:38

You never know what's just around the corner, OP! At age 28 I met a great love of my life, when he was 53. He's dead now, I still miss him, and grief is the most exquisitely painful thing. Yet I don't regret it. My relationship with him nourishes me still.

Now this age gap I do see as troublesome, sorry for your loss but I would be very annoyed if my daughter dated a 53 year old bloke at 28.

Sleepeatrepeat · 10/05/2022 21:40

Wow you are a real treat. I am very glad you are not my friend although you don't sound much of a friend to this woman to be honest.

My exh is 23 years older than me. We had tons in common, he looked and acted much younger. Our divorce had nothing to do with the age gap. He would have been an abusive twat regardless of whether we were the same age or not.

Current dp is 12 years older than me. He is into gaming, keeps fit and goes to the gym frequently. He has more get up and go than me!

I would stop being jealous of your "friend" and work on some self improvement

onehereoneabove · 10/05/2022 21:41

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 10/05/2022 21:16

There are a lot of advantages to marrying an 'older' man in one's 20's - and by that I mean 10+ years older.
They are more advanced in their career, so are bigger earners, are mature, have more life experience and probably are more 'stable'.

The downside is that generally women outlive men and these women could be widowed much sooner than usually is the case. Or, they could end up being a carer for someone who's health is deteriorating.

In addition male fertility generally starts to reduce around age 40/45 years when sperm quality decreases. Increasing male age reduces the overall chances of pregnancy and increases time to pregnancy (the number of menstrual cycles it takes to become pregnant) and the risk of miscarriage and fetal death.
Children of older fathers also have an increased risk of mental health problems (although this is still rare). Children of fathers aged 40 or over are 5 times more likely to develop an autism spectrum disorder than children of fathers aged 30 or less. They also have a slightly increased risk of developing schizophrenia and other mental health disorders later in life.

So, as far as starting a family is concerned, a younger man is a better bet .....

I lost my baby at 17 weeks back in March, dh is 42. I hadn’t even thought that could of caused it. I wish I hadn’t read this comment as we were hoping to try again

AnAfternoonWalk · 10/05/2022 21:41

EarringsandLipstick · 10/05/2022 21:33

“Better to be an old mans darling than a young mans slave.

Such a grim expression, in every way

Yes it is grim. A woman doesn’t have to be either, how misogynistic. Terrible quote.

SkerryVore · 10/05/2022 21:42

I would consider it common sense that a 15 year age gap at the age of 17 is a different matter to the same age gap at the age of 30.

eastegg · 10/05/2022 21:42

45 and going to be an old man soon!
Good luck with the thread OP.
Do you worry about her being immature because she was a child so recently?

Beepbopblop · 10/05/2022 21:44

I am fiercely protective of my friends, lien I would be a daughter and would wonder why a man 15 years her senior would be interested in her.

especially if the man was extremely wealthy like OP is alluding to, I would be asking her to give her head a wobble, and does she really fancy this man as a potential life partner given how harder life will be married to a man literally old enough to be her dad

EllaPaella · 10/05/2022 21:44

Going to be an old man soon? At 45?? Give over..

GoonersGirl · 10/05/2022 21:44

@brookstar

thank you, and yes, he was the loveliest man. I was lucky to be married for 16 years, and am very much of the ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all’ school of thought! We were engaged & married within 6 months of meeting as we were certain that we were each other’s ‘one’…. ♥️

@Stravaig
I hear you!! 🙌

rea2022x · 10/05/2022 21:45

I was going to leave a comment but looks like I don't need to 🤣🤣

Alicesweewonders · 10/05/2022 21:46

Just to say OP you'll look back on this thread in a few years and cringe!

Cos I tell ya, my 30's flew and 40 won't be long a knocking on your door. You may as well grab a shovel now.

Excited101 · 10/05/2022 21:46

DP is 20 years older than me. It’s no shock that he’ll probably die well before me, become a lot less active, possibly need caring etc. I wish every day I could have fewer years in between us but I can’t change it. The alternative is to not be with him, and for what? To be on my own? Why would I pick that?!

You’ve got NO idea what your friend went through to meet him, clearly. And you’ve got no idea how conscious she probably is of the age gap. I know I am.

Wind your neck in and count yourself VERY lucky if you get to be with someone who you’re likely to have your whole life with.

Beepbopblop · 10/05/2022 21:48

Sleepeatrepeat · 10/05/2022 21:40

Wow you are a real treat. I am very glad you are not my friend although you don't sound much of a friend to this woman to be honest.

My exh is 23 years older than me. We had tons in common, he looked and acted much younger. Our divorce had nothing to do with the age gap. He would have been an abusive twat regardless of whether we were the same age or not.

Current dp is 12 years older than me. He is into gaming, keeps fit and goes to the gym frequently. He has more get up and go than me!

I would stop being jealous of your "friend" and work on some self improvement

I am sorry for your abusive ex but I very much think the fact he was at least two decades older than you played into his abusiveness. I think you are bing disingenuous to think that this would of played ZERO part

Stravaig · 10/05/2022 21:48

@GoonersGirl ❤️🙌

OnceUponAThread · 10/05/2022 21:50

Beepbopblop · 10/05/2022 21:31

I don’t think I would be encouraging any daughter of mine to enter a relationship with a man 15 years her senior, I am sorry and accept that I am I lthe minority apparently 😳🙄.

I think a lot of people on here are getting triggered because you said 45 was old, it’s not, but compared to 30 it is in terms of personal relationship maturity. Although I just don’t get massive age gaps, it’s impractical for many reasons, and some how I think at least one or both are in it for their own convenience rather than a real bond.

If my mum had reacted like this when I started dating DH, we'd be no-contact.

Firstly - when I was 30 - I was beyond old enough to make my own life choices.

Secondly - I expect my mum to trust me when it comes to matters of my heart, and to be supportive not judgmental.

Thirdly - I would hope my mum is smart, compassionate and understanding enough to see beyond age to the person behind it.

Fortunately, my mother and DH get on well and have a great bond. And she's been supportive throughout.