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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama

303 replies

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 09:31

Myself and my DP are getting married aboard just after summer. My family have known we were planning a destination wedding for around a year now, and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

Our official marriage will take place in England, then we are flying out the next day for the abroad wedding. The only 2 people attending the English ceremony is my DPs DGF and DD as witnesses. The reason we're only having these 2 people is because my DPs DGF is paying for that part of the wedding, and we need 2 witnesses.

My DSis has asked if it would be possible to attend the ceremony in England due to her financial situation and the fact that she has her own wedding to pay for next year, but we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special, we're just going out for a meal after and then going home to pack up.

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Note from MNHQ - please read OP's second post before responding.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/05/2022 09:34

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Feel free to tell them anything you want. They are also free to not attend either of your weddings, which is exactly what's going to happen.

HappyCup · 10/05/2022 09:35

Has anyone else asked? If not then it’s not ‘people’, it’s your sister.

How would you feel if she had to miss your wedding entirely due to finances? If it’s a case of coming to the English ceremony or missing out completely which would you rather she do?

Shoxfordian · 10/05/2022 09:36

The wedding in England is the wedding because you’re legally married afterwards; yabu really but if you say no then she probably won’t come to either

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 10/05/2022 09:37

This

WildCoasts · 10/05/2022 09:37

You can say no but so can they. If you choose an abroad wedding, you accept people might not come or not be able to afford it.

IncompleteSenten · 10/05/2022 09:37

Is this a reverse?

Coldnoseandtoes · 10/05/2022 09:37

You can invite anyone you like to the event abroad, they're under no obligation to attend. If they don't want to pay for passports, travel, accommodation and spending money to attend, that's their choice. Similarly, you can invite anyone you like to your actual legal wedding, if you don't want your family there, that's your choice.

rainyskylight · 10/05/2022 09:38

You are being so completely unreasonable I don’t know where to start. The cheek of you announcing to friends and family to start saving for your wedding. Appalling.

WarrickDavisAsPlates · 10/05/2022 09:38

You can tell them that they can't attend the English ceremony (say you've booked the smallest room so can't accommodate more people or something, if you want to blame something else.)

Just remember that them not attending the English ceremony won't mean that they will be able to attend the one abroad.

Also don't be annoyed that people haven't prioritised your wedding in their spending. They need to live their own lives and I know I have things more pressing to spend money on than a holiday, it doesn't mean they don't love you or care about your big events, sometimes you just have to make choices with these things.

womaniswomaniswoman · 10/05/2022 09:38

You've made it really easy for people to back out because the abroad wedding comes off as a bit pointless? If you're already married, it's a lot to ask of people to use up holidays and savings.

L1ttledrummergirl · 10/05/2022 09:38

So you're getting married with no guests but expect people to pay a fortune to travel somewhere they may have no desire to visit for a farce.

That would be a firm no from me.

StrangeCondition · 10/05/2022 09:39

Lol, be prepared for very few people at your 'abroad wedding'

SpinMeRightRoundBabyRightRound · 10/05/2022 09:39

This is a reverse, yes?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 10/05/2022 09:40

If you have a destination wedding, then you cannot get pissy about people not being able to / not being willing to spend copious amounts of money and annual leave on attending a not-a-legal-wedding.

They are entirely in their rights not to want to travel and spend money on this.

You need to make your peace with the fact that if you want it abroad, not everyone you want there can be there.

What you then do about the UK ceremony is secondary.

user1471457751 · 10/05/2022 09:40

Well the English ceremony is your wedding because you will be married after it. The abroad bit is just a pretend wedding and a party.

You can say no to people coming to the English ceremony but you can't force them to spends hundreds, if not thousands , of pounds to go to your wedding abroad

Izzy24 · 10/05/2022 09:40

rainyskylight · 10/05/2022 09:38

You are being so completely unreasonable I don’t know where to start. The cheek of you announcing to friends and family to start saving for your wedding. Appalling.

This says it all !

SlatsandFlaps · 10/05/2022 09:41

You can't really have both. If you're getting married in England then that is your wedding. What you're having abroad is a blessing. Just have everyone come to the wedding here and just have you & him (& whoever has already paid etc) at the blessing

Lolllllllllllll · 10/05/2022 09:41

How much will people have to pay to attend your wedding? A lot of people are feeling the pinch.
I think it’s seems mean but I guess if you let one person then it might be tricky not to let others.
It’s unfair to criticise her for spending money on other things and not your wedding.
mis this a reverse?

smooshraspberry · 10/05/2022 09:41

I'm sorry, but YABU. Regardless of how far in advanced you booked, some people take umbrage with being told how to use their money and precious holiday time. On a destination they may not have even wanted to go to. So you should never expect anyway to make a destination wedding. Just because it's your dream place to get married, doesn't mean it's their dream place to attend a wedding.

However, I will grant you that it's rude to keep you hanging. Ask for a straight up answer. If you don't want to treat the UK one as a wedding, then don't.

DysmalRadius · 10/05/2022 09:42

'I want people to spend the money they earn on me, and I'm annoyed that they want to spend it on other things that don't even benefit me. AIBU?'

Yes. You are.

2022sucksalready · 10/05/2022 09:42

Is this a reverse?

You told people they need to save up to attend your (fake) wedding abroad? That would be a big nope from me. If I’m spending money on a holiday it’s one I want, not one foisted on me by someone who thinks they are special enough to expect all and sundry to shell out a ton of money and waste annual leave for this sort of nonsense.

The wedding before the giant waste of money abroad IS the wedding.

SlatsandFlaps · 10/05/2022 09:43

Your guests will understandably want to be there when you legally get married - ie: in the UK!

PurassicJark · 10/05/2022 09:43

You're having two weddings? Even the royal family aren't that extravagant. There's no wonder no one wants to come, they aren't invited to the official one, why bother going to the unofficial one? You can't force people to save money to go abroad for your wedding. If they don't want to go, they don't want to go. Should have had the full actual wedding in England.

Choufleurfromage · 10/05/2022 09:44

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 09:31

Myself and my DP are getting married aboard just after summer. My family have known we were planning a destination wedding for around a year now, and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

Our official marriage will take place in England, then we are flying out the next day for the abroad wedding. The only 2 people attending the English ceremony is my DPs DGF and DD as witnesses. The reason we're only having these 2 people is because my DPs DGF is paying for that part of the wedding, and we need 2 witnesses.

My DSis has asked if it would be possible to attend the ceremony in England due to her financial situation and the fact that she has her own wedding to pay for next year, but we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special, we're just going out for a meal after and then going home to pack up.

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Note from MNHQ - please read OP's second post before responding.

The term and concept of destination weddings should be consigned to the pits of hell. Why not just say you are going abroad to get married. After all, everywhere is a destination, even if you're only getting married at the church at the end of your street
In today's climate, unless you and your friends are on mega salaries or independently wealthy, it is unlikely that many will be able to splash out on what pprobably would be the quivalent of their annnual holiday, to a destination not necessarily of their choice or at a time not necessarily suitbale for them.
So don't be surprised if many don't make it, and I think it is sad that you are determined not to let people celebrate you wedding in this country which may be all they can afford

Heyisforhorses · 10/05/2022 09:45

If you want your sister to see you getting married, suck it up! If she, and others, can only see you getting married abroad you are going to sacrifice people attending and it'll cause a rift that will never or take a long time to heal. Your day is important to you both and your DD, thats all everyone else is happy for you but their own lives come first.