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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama

303 replies

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 09:31

Myself and my DP are getting married aboard just after summer. My family have known we were planning a destination wedding for around a year now, and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

Our official marriage will take place in England, then we are flying out the next day for the abroad wedding. The only 2 people attending the English ceremony is my DPs DGF and DD as witnesses. The reason we're only having these 2 people is because my DPs DGF is paying for that part of the wedding, and we need 2 witnesses.

My DSis has asked if it would be possible to attend the ceremony in England due to her financial situation and the fact that she has her own wedding to pay for next year, but we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special, we're just going out for a meal after and then going home to pack up.

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Note from MNHQ - please read OP's second post before responding.

OP posts:
WarrickDavisAsPlates · 10/05/2022 10:02

I missed that the Grandfather was paying for the ceremony! I assumed he was attending as he was maybe not up to travelling.

Are you in the financial position to be having a holiday/wedding party abroad? If DHs grandfather is having to pay for the legal ceremony (which is the real wedding) then wouldn't it be better to just have a local wedding with the people you want to celebrate with and cut out the faff?

Some guests may feel that as you're getting married in England you're expecting them to fork out a lot of money to attend a belated wedding reception.

TheDivineOddity · 10/05/2022 10:02

Wholeheartedly agree with much of what is being said on this thread but fwiw
it strikes me that a big problem with the 'destination wedding' thing is that the guests you'll end up with are those who can afford the time and money and they aren't necessarily the people you really want to be there when you get married.

countrylifer · 10/05/2022 10:02

we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special,

Hahaha 🤣

This bit is your actual marriage - "nothing special"?! Have you lost a bit of perspective on what a wedding is actually about?

CopperLily · 10/05/2022 10:03

Surely this had to be a wind-up?

gamerchick · 10/05/2022 10:04

Has to be a reverse. Either way I'd tell the persons getting married to get stuffed and hope they have a good time. Happy nuptials.

SoupDragon · 10/05/2022 10:05

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

That's fine.

What you can't do, however, is expect people to fork out £££ to go to a place of your choosing to see a "fake" wedding.

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/05/2022 10:08

Wow!
If this is true YABVU .
You don't want people to attend your actual wedding but do want them to pay for the privilege of attending your party abroad.
You have massively lost perspective.

NamechangeFML · 10/05/2022 10:09

No. I had this. Even though the ceremony was abroad and been and gone, family members wanted to come to the registery office ( like you, basic/witnesses)
nope. Attend or dont. Youd given them ample warming

TheLadyDIdGood · 10/05/2022 10:10

I've turned down 2 destination weddings abroad because I'm in the process of buying a house. I need to save as much as I can so my priority isn't to spend £££ making someone's wedding photo look pretty.

I'm attending only one wedding this year of a close relative and it's a UK based hotel wedding. You are being extremely unreasonable in dictating that people save for your reception abroad. People have other financial priorities & particularly during the current financial climate your request isn't reasonable or at least compassionate towards others.

SickAndTiredAgain · 10/05/2022 10:10

I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

You're taking the piss, right?

Fitterbyfifty · 10/05/2022 10:11

rainyskylight · 10/05/2022 09:38

You are being so completely unreasonable I don’t know where to start. The cheek of you announcing to friends and family to start saving for your wedding. Appalling.

This x 100!

GrendelsGrandma · 10/05/2022 10:11

Have you actually asked your family if they're coming? Are you sure they want to spend a lot of time and money on your wedding? That's a risk you take when you do a destination wedding. They only really work for the couple, for older people who don't like to travel, kids who are tricky to travel with, working people who have precious little leave, people on tight budgets - it's a horrible vanity show where you go through hardship to prove how much you love your family member.

Have a party in the UK. Confirm numbers for the overseas bit. Don't be precious. If your sister can't afford it, sub her, let her come to the UK bit or just realise that it doesn't matter much in the grand scheme of things.

TheLadyDIdGood · 10/05/2022 10:12

It's not even a wedding, it's an expensive reception party abroad.

BruceAndNosh · 10/05/2022 10:12

CornishPorsche · 10/05/2022 09:47

This is why destination weddings are so divisive.

Imagine being told you have to save up thousands of pounds to pay for a trip you didn't ask to go on, with people you might didn't want to holiday with, to a location not of your choosing, on a date you have no say in, then having to take time off work because you've been told to and then still having to pay for posh frocks, food, drink, accommodation, flights etc to accommodate the people who made the original demand.

Nope.

... and a present

NamechangeFML · 10/05/2022 10:12

And dont let any twits on here tell you standing signing a book in a dingy office is "the real wedding" lol. eyeroll
your wedding is your commitment to each other , promises, hope for the future- to be heard and celebrated by your friends and family

PansyPetunia · 10/05/2022 10:13

Hahaha

Oh my god! The entitlement!

But how dare these guests buy expensive things for themselves/home/kids and not be throwing every penny into saving to go to some micro managed wedding abroad!

PansyPetunia · 10/05/2022 10:14

Annnnd we have a sock puppet!!

Hi op! I see you..

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/05/2022 10:14

Hilarious.

Phobiaphobic · 10/05/2022 10:14

rainyskylight · 10/05/2022 09:38

You are being so completely unreasonable I don’t know where to start. The cheek of you announcing to friends and family to start saving for your wedding. Appalling.

This. Your narcissism and lack of empathy is off the scale, OP.

MintyCedricRidesAgain · 10/05/2022 10:15

The only one causing drama here is you...by being a petulant, demanding Bridezilla with a complete lack of awareness.

We're just coming out of a pandemic and hurtling into a massive recession...and you have the bloody cheek to demand people save up to spend a fortune to attend your 'destination wedding' which isn't even an actual wedding?

I think the phrase 'are you on glue' has never been more appropriate.

Fedupbuyer · 10/05/2022 10:15

My sil has announced that she is getting married in Greece next year,it’s going to cost us to the tune of 5k plus!not impressed at all,iv froze my arse off to save money on heating!

FetchezLaVache · 10/05/2022 10:15

CornishPorsche · 10/05/2022 09:47

This is why destination weddings are so divisive.

Imagine being told you have to save up thousands of pounds to pay for a trip you didn't ask to go on, with people you might didn't want to holiday with, to a location not of your choosing, on a date you have no say in, then having to take time off work because you've been told to and then still having to pay for posh frocks, food, drink, accommodation, flights etc to accommodate the people who made the original demand.

Nope.

While, in the case of OP's sister, trying to save up for your own wedding!

Double nope.

Brainwave89 · 10/05/2022 10:15

Nice to have a wedding abroad, but it is a very significant cost to attend. A number of family members may decide they cannot afford it, and I really do not think that it is for you to judge that they should prioritise your wedding or say a new car or a family holiday elsewhere. You have to accept that less people will attend (unless you are paying) and that the trade off will be the nice picture on the beach. I do not think you can be cross with their decision.

Pinkywoo · 10/05/2022 10:15

You want other people to start saving for your wedding? That would be a firm no from me, especially as you're not actually getting married there!

reverse?

MingeofDeath · 10/05/2022 10:16

Destination weddings are indulgent and as selfish as f.

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