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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding drama

303 replies

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 09:31

Myself and my DP are getting married aboard just after summer. My family have known we were planning a destination wedding for around a year now, and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

Our official marriage will take place in England, then we are flying out the next day for the abroad wedding. The only 2 people attending the English ceremony is my DPs DGF and DD as witnesses. The reason we're only having these 2 people is because my DPs DGF is paying for that part of the wedding, and we need 2 witnesses.

My DSis has asked if it would be possible to attend the ceremony in England due to her financial situation and the fact that she has her own wedding to pay for next year, but we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special, we're just going out for a meal after and then going home to pack up.

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Note from MNHQ - please read OP's second post before responding.

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 10/05/2022 10:28

RitaFaircloughsWig · 10/05/2022 10:26

and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it I can't believe that someone would even say this!

Bugger that 🙄

cutebutscary · 10/05/2022 10:28

I think if you book a destination wedding you need to be prepared that people DONT want to spend their own money on it . Of course they will prioritise things they are buying for themselves and you have no right to judge them for it . As you are having a uk wedding I think it's unreasonable of you to forbid people to come to that, yet expect them to pay to attend your wedding, which on the face of it, isn't a priority. It's a bit much to expect people to do tbh

MissBattleaxe · 10/05/2022 10:29

I'm speechless OP. Your poor sister is saving for her own wedding and you clearly have no sympathy or understanding of that.

There is a cost of living crisis. Many people only get 4 weeks annual leave a year. You have absolutely no right whatsoever to criticise anything they spend before your wedding or EVER.

Financial problems are incredibly stressful and you being snotty about people not coming to your party is ridiculously egotistical. Read the room. If people haven't got back to you it's probably because they're wondering how to tell you that they can't come.

Passports cost a fortune as do flights and accommodation. There are laws in which you can't travel if you have less than six months on your passport. Some people have kids which will make it even harder for them to come. You are giving everyone a financial and logistical headache.

Just enjoy your "aboard" wedding with the groom (because it's the start of a marriage not a popularity contest) and maybe have a party for the poor sods who couldn't meet your ridiculous demands. And spare a thought for your sister who is getting married herself next year.

NamechangeFML · 10/05/2022 10:30

Oh i see ...
your just pissed off your SIL has the audacity to be getting married before you, after waiting through covid?

just fucking go ... sounds like youll enjoy a bloody holiday....

GrendelsGrandma · 10/05/2022 10:30

Ah right, reverse time! Have you ever stated to your DB that you do not want to go? I think you might be unreasonable if you're stringing him along when you know you can't go, telling someone that sort of thing is best done the earlier the better. Destination weddings should be - we're going to Spain next June, it'll cost you about £1k pp, do you want to come? And then guests can decide for themselves.

I don't get the bit about the DGF paying for the UK bit - if it's just a registry office ceremony, they don't cost much at all. Nice of him to pay for it but I don't see why it's an issue.

NewandNotImproved · 10/05/2022 10:31

Reverses are trolling. Making up pathetic little stories to elicit responses mean you should be banned.

MajesticallyAwkward · 10/05/2022 10:31

YANBU to just not go to either. Destination weddings are so selfish anyone planning one has to accept that not everyone will go, no one cares as much as the couple getting married. Your issue isn't the destination wedding, it's dealing with your db and his fiancé.
Do you generally have a good relationship with them?

YABU to post as a reverse, you would have gotten much better advice posting as yourself.

alltheteeshirts · 10/05/2022 10:32

It's fine for them to exclude you from the English ceremony. Don't take it personally - they're doing that to everyone apart from witnesses.

It should also be fine for them to accept you have no intention of going to their destination wedding... I suspect, however, they'll get pissy about it.

If you're not going to go, I think you should tell them now.

Velvian · 10/05/2022 10:35

Just tell them you're not going. They don't get to tell you how to spend your money.

MissBattleaxe · 10/05/2022 10:37

"But then I like my friends and family so I’m happy to prioritise them unlike many here!"

This makes me fume with rage. Since when does your financial position illustrate how much you like someone? I love my family and they love me and that's why none of us would demand we attend overseas weddings/parties and get snotty when people didn't go into debt for them.

If you can afford it and want to go, great, but don't ever, ever think that the people who can't don't love the bride and groom.

Have you ever lain awake sweating about how overdrawn you are or how you're going to pay your bills? If not then shut up about how people should go to overseas weddings in order to prove they like someone.

NamechangeFML · 10/05/2022 10:39

@MissBattleaxe its a bull shit reverse and its her sister in law and brother

scruffanddodge · 10/05/2022 10:39

YAB very unreasonable. But you won’t know that because I suspect you aren’t coming back.

you chose to get married abroad and, in my opinion, disgracefully announced that people would have to save. You then said people were spending money on other exes vie things rather than savings. I mean, have you actually read and digested how you are coming across?

I suspect your wedding abroad will be very quiet. I hope you like being on your own because I suspect you will be.

scruffanddodge · 10/05/2022 10:41

scruffanddodge · 10/05/2022 10:39

YAB very unreasonable. But you won’t know that because I suspect you aren’t coming back.

you chose to get married abroad and, in my opinion, disgracefully announced that people would have to save. You then said people were spending money on other exes vie things rather than savings. I mean, have you actually read and digested how you are coming across?

I suspect your wedding abroad will be very quiet. I hope you like being on your own because I suspect you will be.

Bollocks. A reverse. Why bother.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2022 10:41

Totally unreasonable.
You want the "destination wedding" and you have TOLD people to save up for it - well, maybe they have other things they'd rather spend the money on! I know I would.
Depends whether the "showy" wedding abroad matters more to you than your family, really - just let them come to whichever version of your wedding they can manage and stop being such a bridezilla.

WimpoleHat · 10/05/2022 10:41

I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it

Gosh - that’s something….

Just seen that this is a reverse, so on that basis YANBU at all. Just politely decline the abroad leg on the grounds of cost and time.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/05/2022 10:43

Careless of me not to have read all your messages first.
I hate reverses, but in this case everything I said applies to your brother and SILtb.

Zilla1 · 10/05/2022 10:44

Have seen the update. Presumably the exclusion for the legal wedding is to avoid guests they rather travel just going the the legal wedding and not travelling. The 'because DGFIL is paying' is no reason but presumably what someone not too bright would think of rather than saying the truth. Unless the DGFIL is all 'my precious' about things he pays for in which case your DSIL should be careful if he's provided the ring.

OP, I wouldn't attend the legal ceremony and send your apologies about the destination wedding. Cost of living crisis and such like.

Good luck.

tkwal · 10/05/2022 10:45

Your "real" wedding will be in England. Your marriage begins as soon as you are wed.what you are having abroad is a honeymoon with added fuss. You are being unreasonable not letting others attend the real ceremony and expecting to fork out to go to a destination of your choosing . I'm sure everyone wishes you well but , in my opinion you have your priorities wrong

LindaEllen · 10/05/2022 10:47

womaniswomaniswoman · 10/05/2022 09:38

You've made it really easy for people to back out because the abroad wedding comes off as a bit pointless? If you're already married, it's a lot to ask of people to use up holidays and savings.

Exactly this. It isn't even your wedding if you're already married!

What makes you think you have the right to tell people they have to travel abroad, for any reason? It's a lot of money, and a lot of effort, however you look at it.

If me and DP were expected to go abroad at the moment our hearts would sink because money is so tight right now. Stop thinking about yourself for a minute, and think about it from other people's points of view.

Even if they DID have the spare money to save from when you announced your wedding, that doesn't mean that they would want to spend their savings on your wedding. There are probably many, many things they would rather save up for before a pointless few days abroad.

Doidontimmm · 10/05/2022 10:49

I honestly don’t think you realise how entitled you sound. Having a wedding abroad no matter how much notice is a huge expense for people and it may be it’s not their priority especially since it’s not actually a wedding just a trip abroad/blessing? The actual marriage is in England. I don’t think this has gone down well hence people not booking anything.

Luculentus · 10/05/2022 10:49

You seriously want to tell your sister that if she can't fork out a fortune and use up holiday for your destination wedding she can't see you getting married? Well, it's one way to bugger up your family relationships for ever, I suppose.

NotSorry · 10/05/2022 10:49

it was obviously a reverse the minute I started reading it

Gonnabegrandma · 10/05/2022 10:50

Wow YABVU why would people want to spend lots of money to come and see a pretend wedding abroad !!!! Wedding in the U.K. is your wedding !!!!!

MissBattleaxe · 10/05/2022 10:50

It took me so long to write my reply that it was outed as a reverse by the time I posted. What a pain in the backside. I hate feeling conned. I still stand by everything I said about destinations weddings though. Just an overpriced egotistical popularity contest that shows contempt for those trying to make end meets.

Here endeth the lesson. I'm off.

SunshineCake · 10/05/2022 10:51

FGS destination weddings are so self centred and selfish.
Someone wants to celebrate with you and you are going to say no. Bloody hell.