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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding drama

303 replies

Hiimblahblah · 10/05/2022 09:31

Myself and my DP are getting married aboard just after summer. My family have known we were planning a destination wedding for around a year now, and I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

Our official marriage will take place in England, then we are flying out the next day for the abroad wedding. The only 2 people attending the English ceremony is my DPs DGF and DD as witnesses. The reason we're only having these 2 people is because my DPs DGF is paying for that part of the wedding, and we need 2 witnesses.

My DSis has asked if it would be possible to attend the ceremony in England due to her financial situation and the fact that she has her own wedding to pay for next year, but we really don't want our wedding to be the English one. We're not really treating it as anything special, we're just going out for a meal after and then going home to pack up.

AIBU to tell people they can't attend the wedding in England?

Note from MNHQ - please read OP's second post before responding.

OP posts:

Mammy55 · 10/05/2022 09:46

If you are just doing the most basic wedding package of two witnesses, your sister won’t be able to just come without upgrading the package which you can’t do for just one person. We had this wedding and I tried to add a person on and was told it need to pay for a minimum amount of guests and it was around £200 extra. Just a heads up. If this is a registry office wedding like ours which I presume it is.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 10/05/2022 09:47

I think we can all see where this is going.

Clue: it's not abroad for a big wedding.

CornishPorsche · 10/05/2022 09:47

This is why destination weddings are so divisive.

Imagine being told you have to save up thousands of pounds to pay for a trip you didn't ask to go on, with people you might didn't want to holiday with, to a location not of your choosing, on a date you have no say in, then having to take time off work because you've been told to and then still having to pay for posh frocks, food, drink, accommodation, flights etc to accommodate the people who made the original demand.

Nope.

2pinkginsplease · 10/05/2022 09:47

I'd be pretty annoyed to travel abroad spending a fortune for a pretend wedding when you've already had the legal ceremony here.

Accommodations and flights for a family of 4 is extortionate for basically a party.

takeasadsongandmakeitbetter · 10/05/2022 09:47

Expensive wedding abroad only really work if you are willing to pay for everyone you want to attend or if you and your guests are all incredibly wealthy.

Totally unreasonable to ask people to pay to come to your wedding- especially if you have an actual wedding locally which people could attend!

So yes, you are being very unreasonable- sorry OP

Winterfellismyhome · 10/05/2022 09:47

Are you the sister?

ShirleyPhallus · 10/05/2022 09:48

IncompleteSenten · 10/05/2022 09:37

Is this a reverse?

Has to be, no one is this dense surely

HSKAT · 10/05/2022 09:48

I would hate to be told to save for a destination wedding.
I think it's a big ask for people getting married abroad.

So you'd rather your sister not see you get married at all?

Unanananana · 10/05/2022 09:49

rainyskylight · 10/05/2022 09:38

You are being so completely unreasonable I don’t know where to start. The cheek of you announcing to friends and family to start saving for your wedding. Appalling.

Maybe you'll get some Brasso for those necks of yours as a wedding gift?

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/05/2022 09:49

As I understand it , you are not allowed to refuse anyone attendance at a legally binding wedding ceremony. That's why registry offices/churches post notices/banns.
Whether they are invited to any additional ceremony or reception is a totally different matter.

Hulahihi · 10/05/2022 09:50

YABVVU to demand people pay to attend your wedding abroad. Pay for their flights and accommodation if you want them there.
I suspect most of hour family won't be able to attend with the rising cost of living people are having to cut back so you should rethink the UK wedding.

heldinadream · 10/05/2022 09:51

So actually you're having a wedding that you're NOT inviting anyone to (except the poor elderly sap who's paying for it) and then a honeymoon that you ARE inviting everyone to? Jesus f Christ.
Is this a reverse or have you completely lost the plot?

BadLad · 10/05/2022 09:52

I had given them a heads up that they would need to start saving from when we first announced it. Several of them still have not booked flights, accommodation, or got their passports, which is upsetting as I know they've spent money on other expensive things in the meantime.

If you really did tell them that they would have to start saving, you are my all-time favourite mumsnetter by a long way.

BreathingDeep · 10/05/2022 09:52

It's a bit much to have a wedding at home and not let family and friends come to it so that instead, they'll fly out for the next stage. The fact is, the English bit is your wedding, and you are celebrating it with a meal, even if it's not the big party you have planned abroad.

It's also a bit off that you're complaining that people are spending their own money on things other than hotels, travel or passports for your wedding. It's your priority, not anyone else's, I'm afraid, and they're entitled to spend their own money on whatever they deem a priority.

It's harsh but you have to ask yourself - what's more important: the location or the people you celebrate it with?

darlingdodo · 10/05/2022 09:54

The way you've couched the OP definitely has the ring of 'reverse'. Are you the sister?

darlingdodo · 10/05/2022 09:55

And if it's not a reverse, you sound a bit dense, tbh.

Musicaltheatremum · 10/05/2022 09:56

Let your sister come. Try not to be so precious about it. I got married 3 days ago in our home city. People came from far away but it's an easy place to get to and lots of good accommodation. We had no presents, no hen or stag do we even invited my step daughters new boyfriend to the ceilidh afterwards half an hour before the ceremony so he wouldn't be twiddling his thumbs. We then gave a sandwich lunch the next day to the 20 people who had travelled far to see us. I realised that enjoying everyone's company was so much better than making it all about me. Much better than my first wedding. We even stayed at home and had 5 guests in the house with us after the wedding.

Enjoy and relax and be flexible...it works so much better.

WildCoasts · 10/05/2022 09:56

Audacity aside, you might find a lot of people are not yet comfortable with plane travel due to Covid.

SVRT19674 · 10/05/2022 09:56

To me the marriage is the first one, the other one is an expensive party. YANBU to want a party in whatever other country in the world not your own, YABU wanting everyone to shell out at what is for most a difficult time for many reasons. My husband´s first cousin married a Venezuelan in Isla Margarita and was put out only his mum went (we´re in Spain) and now he is marrying his second wife in Cartagena de Indias (Colombia), we have wished him well and stayed put.

TeaStory · 10/05/2022 09:57

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/05/2022 09:49

You can’t exclude someone from a church but you can refuse them entry to a registry office ceremony. The announcements are made so there is a chance for a member of the public to object to the marriage (eg if one of the people getting married is already married to someone else).

OP, I agree with everyone else. You have some nerve telling everyone they “need” to save up to go on your holiday and party with you.

SoManyTshirts · 10/05/2022 10:00

MrsMoastyToasty · 10/05/2022 09:49

This. Otherwise how could anyone exercise their right to raise valid objections?

saggyhairyass · 10/05/2022 10:00

YABU. People can spend their hard-earned money how they please, and why should they spend it on a pretend wedding abroad when they could attend the legal one in England for much less?

My wedding was in a register office and we had a buffet supper in a pub after, plus disco. People still remark how much fun they had. Our aim was to make it stress-free. Your sister is saving up for her own wedding and plainly can't afford to go abroad for a fake wedding too. You are making things difficult for her.

It's not the venue or the ceremony OP, it's sharing your happiness and love with your nearest & dearest. That's your focal point. So a basic wedding back home is just, if not more important than the Instagram wedding away.

Iwonder08 · 10/05/2022 10:00

Bonkers.. You expect people to 'start saving up' to attend your wedding. If you know your guests will have financial difficulties to pay for your destination wedding then either go and celebrate without the guests or if they are important to you then have the wedding in England.

CJsGoldfish · 10/05/2022 10:01

Completely unreasonable to expect people to travel to a pretend wedding and party. I have no words for how selfish that is. And by telling them to start saving and complaining that they haven't booked anything yet you are confirming your expectation that they do.

Is denying your sister the chance to see you married in the official wedding a way to 'force' her into going abroad? Do people know you will already be married when they travel to see you 'get' married?

Just Wow.

SoManyTshirts · 10/05/2022 10:01

Cross-posted, apologies.
I wouldn’t attend anyone’s destination blessing.

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