Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'They need to spend time with us alone'

775 replies

Loco323 · 09/05/2022 15:20

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... Hmm what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

OP posts:
RocketsMagnificent7 · 11/05/2022 08:04

Once you become seriously involved with someone who has DC they are part of the package.

They are for the OP (and stepparents in general) to be kind to and make welcome, they are still not her responsibility.

She gives them time, includes them in the family and appears to care for them, the only thing she isn't willing to do is prioritise them above her own children, when her two are already seen as lesser by their father. She is doing absolutely nothing wrong.

angielou791417 · 11/05/2022 08:04

Imagine if you and your DH split up and your children were, one day, the older ones in the same situation, wouldn't you think it was lovley of your DHs new partner to make special time for your children to make sure they're feeling included and loved?

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 08:04

They are "part of the package" but still not her children. They don't come to be parented by their parents spouse, they come to be parented by their parent.
All children deserve to be the top priority of their parents, SDC and DC alike. They are all just kids and they all have two parents, not three or four or six (because some people really do believe that once you have gone there, you have collected a new "bonus DC" 😖for life).

RocketsMagnificent7 · 11/05/2022 08:06

beallrightdahlin · 11/05/2022 08:01

You don’t give much of a about these kids, do you? At least own it!

Oh dear.

Go on just fun exactly how have you drawn this conclusion? Because it's not based on anything the OP has said.

How does 'not willing to give my own children even less than they're already getting but happy to do occasional days out with SC' amount to not giving much of a shit about the SC?

Gingernan · 11/05/2022 08:07

I think that's an excellent idea. You will reap the rewards of that and really get to know them better. And certainly take the 2 of them out with your husband if your parents don't mind having the little ones. I'm a single grandma and do have my oldest grandchildren for a day or 2 but have a great time having them individually from time to time.
My stepmum was fabulous and a wonderful role model for me growing up.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 11/05/2022 08:07

user1492757084 · 11/05/2022 08:02

Try it once or twice. Say, for the birthday of one of them. Why not be generous to his suggestion every now and again? There is nothing to lose. Don't commit to a regular outing but do focus on the older two every now and again. You might have fun.

Read the OP's posts!

She has said countless times she is happy to do this, it was in fact her suggestion rejected by her husband.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 11/05/2022 08:12

angielou791417 · 11/05/2022 08:04

Imagine if you and your DH split up and your children were, one day, the older ones in the same situation, wouldn't you think it was lovley of your DHs new partner to make special time for your children to make sure they're feeling included and loved?

At the detriment of her own young children?

OP already makes time for the SC. She includes them as part of the family.

Why are they more deserving of 'special time' than OP's own children?

Surely, to make them be a proper family they all deserve the same treatment? The SC being made higher priority will damage all four children in the long term. And maybe they won't want OP there, maybe they actually like the time with just their dad!

Gingernan · 11/05/2022 08:13

If it goes well, you have collected another d c (dear child?) What is this Agatha Christie mumsnet language about) haven't you? They are part and parcel of your life when you become a step parent.

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 08:19

I collect fridge magnets.

I do not collect other people's children.

Lalliella · 11/05/2022 08:26

YABU. This would be a nice thing for you to do for your DSCs. They had a lot of upheavals in their young lives. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to make them feel special once a month. Plus you could do things that are more age appropriate for them.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 11/05/2022 08:26

Gingernan · 11/05/2022 08:13

If it goes well, you have collected another d c (dear child?) What is this Agatha Christie mumsnet language about) haven't you? They are part and parcel of your life when you become a step parent.

Where has the OP stated she doesn't want them as part of her life?

Seriously, what is wrong with people, having to make up their own version of events, rather than just reading what the OP is writing.

starfishmummy · 11/05/2022 08:26

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/05/2022 15:33

I don't see why giving up one afternoon a month to make your husband abs two little kids happy. I think it's a nice idea, and if more step parents did it maybe we would have less threads about blended families not getting on.

You sound disinterested to me, I'm sure your husband is disappointed. You know how much you love your own children, so you just understand how much he loves them and wants them to have a bond with you?

Dads can't win really. If he wasn't making an effort he'd be called a shitty dad. And when he tries, the new woman shoots the idea down in flames.

Well said.

I really have no kdea why mumsnetters get together with men who have kids and then refuse to have little to do with them.

Lalliella · 11/05/2022 08:28

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 08:19

I collect fridge magnets.

I do not collect other people's children.

What a vile thing to say. The DSC are people, who are in this situation through no fault of their own.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 11/05/2022 08:28

Lalliella · 11/05/2022 08:26

YABU. This would be a nice thing for you to do for your DSCs. They had a lot of upheavals in their young lives. I don’t think it’s too much to ask to make them feel special once a month. Plus you could do things that are more age appropriate for them.

What about her own two children? When do they get to be made to feel special?

The SC will feel more special if they continue to be treated as part of the family, not some higher beings.

RocketsMagnificent7 · 11/05/2022 08:29

Well said.

I really have no kdea why mumsnetters get together with men who have kids and then refuse to have little to do with them.

Someone else making up their own version of events.

The OP has plenty to do with her SC. Where has she refused to have little to do with them?

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 08:31

That's my point. They are people, not collectables by virtue of their parents relationships.
Another comprehension fail.

Fraaahnces · 11/05/2022 08:32

@Loco323 YANBU… Engaging with the “Mumsnet Inquisition” is pointless for Stepwitches. You’re going to be tortured and burned despite the logic hurled their way.

Your DH needs reminding that he was an equal participant in the creation of ALL of his offspring. He needs to be told that he isn’t entitled to “not want to go anywhere” and leave his older DS’s bored shitless.

I am presuming that he was involved in your choice to have two more kids. He needs to be told that they are not the steak knives thrown in for free when you purchase a new kitchen.

He needs to own his failings as a parent to both sets of kids. You and his ex may need to gang up. (Hope things are ok between you two. It sounds like there is a good working relationship, at least.)

'They need to spend time with us alone'
GCAcademic · 11/05/2022 08:51

angielou791417 · 11/05/2022 08:04

Imagine if you and your DH split up and your children were, one day, the older ones in the same situation, wouldn't you think it was lovley of your DHs new partner to make special time for your children to make sure they're feeling included and loved?

Well, the new partner would be a stepmother and therefore, by default, in the wrong, if she tried to do this. She would be controlling / imposing herself on DH's precious time with his children / stepping on their mother's toes.

Original poster
Loco323 · 11/05/2022 08:55

If the 4 DC belonged to you both there are days out not suitable to toddlers.

You would be happy to allow the older DC a day out without toddler/baby in tow.

Thank goodness we do this already AND I've said I'm happy to do the second!

OP posts:
Amitriptyline · 11/05/2022 09:02

MintyMoocow · 09/05/2022 16:40

It should be against the law to get into another relationship if you have children from a first relationship.
This sort of thing is so bloody damaging to kids! No wonder so many are screwed up.
If you are not prepared to treat step kids EXACTLY as you would treat your own, then bloody don’t take them on at all.

Just wow.

She is treating the step kids exactly the same as her own. Her own don't get once monthly outings that exclude the step kids, remember?

Longleggedgiraffe · 11/05/2022 09:06

I'm a Stepmum of three and had another two step children from a previous marriage. I can't for the life of me see why you should think it doesn't involve you. You married their father. I'm absolutely appalled by your attitude. Spending time with them should be on your priority list. As for 'not shipping off your own children'...you're not shipping them off, you'll be giving them quality time with their grandparents.
What you have done is set up an 'us' and 'them' scenario, placing your husband's children well below yours in order of priority. These kids didn't ask for a Stepmum, but they've got one and you don't seem to be making any effort to make sure they've got the nicer version.
Please try and find time for them, they don't deserve this.

loopylu26 · 11/05/2022 09:08

Longleggedgiraffe · 11/05/2022 09:06

I'm a Stepmum of three and had another two step children from a previous marriage. I can't for the life of me see why you should think it doesn't involve you. You married their father. I'm absolutely appalled by your attitude. Spending time with them should be on your priority list. As for 'not shipping off your own children'...you're not shipping them off, you'll be giving them quality time with their grandparents.
What you have done is set up an 'us' and 'them' scenario, placing your husband's children well below yours in order of priority. These kids didn't ask for a Stepmum, but they've got one and you don't seem to be making any effort to make sure they've got the nicer version.
Please try and find time for them, they don't deserve this.

Read the thread instead of being instantly judgmental. She does spend lots of quality time with her DSC, and had mentioned multiple times she enjoys that time

RocketsMagnificent7 · 11/05/2022 09:09

Longleggedgiraffe · 11/05/2022 09:06

I'm a Stepmum of three and had another two step children from a previous marriage. I can't for the life of me see why you should think it doesn't involve you. You married their father. I'm absolutely appalled by your attitude. Spending time with them should be on your priority list. As for 'not shipping off your own children'...you're not shipping them off, you'll be giving them quality time with their grandparents.
What you have done is set up an 'us' and 'them' scenario, placing your husband's children well below yours in order of priority. These kids didn't ask for a Stepmum, but they've got one and you don't seem to be making any effort to make sure they've got the nicer version.
Please try and find time for them, they don't deserve this.

🤣🤣🤣

Unbelievable. Yet another with zero comprehension skills.

The father is the one creating us vs them. OP is happy to have family time, occasional days out with the SC. Why should they be given more than her own children? That is what is creating the us vs them. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Youseethethingis1 · 11/05/2022 09:15

"What your husband has done is set up an 'us' and 'them' scenario, placing your husband's youngest children well below the eldest in order of priority.

Fixed that for you.
Spending time with his youngest DC isn't even on the husbands priority list, never mind somewhere near the bottom.
They don't get special trips just them and their parents.
Financial providing for their needs is also not on their fathers priority list, it's on a voluntary only basis if and when he has money left over from paying for their siblings treats.
The person who actually owes complete equality of love and care to all four DC is their father. He is failing miserably and creating s divide between his children.

Original poster
Loco323 · 11/05/2022 09:21

angielou791417 · 11/05/2022 08:04

Imagine if you and your DH split up and your children were, one day, the older ones in the same situation, wouldn't you think it was lovley of your DHs new partner to make special time for your children to make sure they're feeling included and loved?

No I wouldn't expect her to send her own kids away every 4 weeks so she could spend special time with mine. Genuinely I wouldn't.

Be nice, kind and welcoming sure, and I am that. Every now and then take them out, lovely. But not regular scheduled off 'special days' where her parents are expected to provide childcare and she's expected to lose time with her own children regularly, no I certainly wouldn't expect that. I think any mother who does expect that from their child's step mother is.... A name I won't say here 🙂

OP posts: