'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

You’ve sounded deranged throughout this thread, but you’ve hit new heights here.

It never ceases to amaze me the paroxysms of spite and hate that some posters will contort themselves into when they spot a stepmother on here.

@Loco323

You are being completely reasonable and your husband is being a first class dick.

He is taking you and your parents completely for granted.

I highly recommend you and he and his former wife attend family therapy together.

His treatment of the children is very likely affecting their mother too. She has to parent them during the week, and I guarantee the 'special attention' and piles of Christmas gifts are not making her life easy. It sets up a competition she is guaranteed to lose because she is the one nagging them to get up for school every day, to eat their ordinary dinner, to pick up their dirty clothes off the bathroom floor, to do their sodding homework, and all the delights of humdrum weekday life while he is busy feeding his ego at weekends.

www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/

They need to get the same treatment in their dad's house that his two younger children get. Setting up a difference in how the two sets of children are treated is horrible. It is all about the father's feelings and not in the best interests of either set of siblings. Saying they only get to have weekends with him while the younger ones have all week is not true when you are both working all week. The younger children should not lose a weekend with their parents, or miss any special days out with their parents in order to facilitate the ego trip your husband is on.

I think having a set time each month is a little strange and is making an unnecessary division between the kids. The time they spend with you should be family time to allow them to develop a bond with their siblings and you as one family. On top of that they obviously need time with their dad. I think, like any normal family, a night at the movies from time to time or doing something with them that isn’t age appropriate for the younger ones is good, but I don’t see that this needs to be a set time each month. The most important thing is for the siblings to bond, all feel loved equally and no resentments or thoughts of favouritism to evolve.

No she doesn’t. The dc are young. They go to bed early. Could you please elaborate on when the op gets quality time with her dc and not her sdc when she works full time and sdc are there most weekends? Is it… evenings? No, they’re in bed. She has however given examples of quality time with her sdc evenings when dc are in bed. Is it, mornings before work? Cue working mums collapsing in hysterical laughter, I’m thinking personally of how my Garmin watch registers the highest stress of the day in the morning rush of trying to get dc out the door and me to work, there’s no quality there. Is it in the post work dinner bath bed sprint while tired children tantrum? The occasional nice moment I’ll grant you. It must be the weekends when the sdc are there too! Ok, there is probably the odd weekend day the sdc aren’t there. But the Dh won’t go on these special outings as his dc would be left out.

My Dc spending one overnight a month with my parents to facilitate quality time with my sdc would be an absolute no from me op. I’d let it all out at my Dh- say I’m done wiht pretending you’re fair. I’m done with supporting you spoiling your older dc, knowing our younger dc will start to realise this, and be aware you want them shuffled out of the way so you get even more older dc special time. Knowing they realise you’ve never taken them anywhere on their own. Knowing they live here so they can perfectly well see daddy can’t be arsed cooking a nice meal unless it’s for his real children. I don’t want to hear another word about can my parents take our dc a full quarter of the quality time we have with them so we can concentrate even more on your older dc. Let me be very clear- I am starting to feel like I need to concentrate even more on our younger Dc, to make up for what they don’t get from their dad. So they know someone always loves them, if it’s just me then they damn well will be loved by me. I won’t spoil them rotten as frankly I think that’s bad parenting and it hurts to watch you, but I’m not going to let them be shoved aside and neglected, and I’m not going to keep loving you while I watch you do that.

I agree. You're 1 big family. Older kids do tend to feel a bit cast aside when it's all about younger siblings. Would it be the end of the world to do something more suited to their age bracket every once in a while? Give them a bit of special attention? For the sake of the odd afternoon? It can only be a good thing, surely??

My Dc spending one overnight a month with my parents to facilitate quality time with my sdc would be an absolute no from me op. I’d let it all out at my Dh- say I’m done wiht pretending you’re fair. I’m done with supporting you spoiling your older dc, knowing our younger dc will start to realise this, and be aware you want them shuffled out of the way so you get even more older dc special time. Knowing they realise you’ve never taken them anywhere on their own. Knowing they live here so they can perfectly well see daddy can’t be arsed cooking a nice meal unless it’s for his real children. I don’t want to hear another word about can my parents take our dc a full quarter of the quality time we have with them so we can concentrate even more on your older dc. Let me be very clear- I am starting to feel like I need to concentrate even more on our younger Dc, to make up for what they don’t get from their dad. So they know someone always loves them, if it’s just me then they damn well will be loved by me. I won’t spoil them rotten as frankly I think that’s bad parenting and it hurts to watch you, but I’m not going to let them be shoved aside and neglected, and I’m not going to keep loving you while I watch you do that.

THIS ^^

Well said, @timeisnotaline .

@Loco323, you mention that the mother of the DSCs does shiftwork at weekends because she makes more money from weekend shifts, and therefore they spend a lot of weekends with you.

She is therefore missing quality time with them, and her parenting experience is a long and unrewarding slog of school mornings and evenings.

Is she short of money? Is this why she takes on the better-paying weekend shifts?

Could your H give her more in child support so that she can afford to spend more weekends with her own children and not have to work constantly?

Children need to be able to do fun things with their own mother. She needs to be able to spend time with them, so that they can see her as a person. Right now she is being denied the time she could have with them apparently because of financial reasons. Is your H in a position to contribute more child support?

I understand OP. You get four weekends a month, usually, half are already gone to other activities (date with DH and you doing one thing for yourself). You work full time so don't get a lot of time with your own children. Of course you don't want to give up a day with them for another weekend commitment.

It sounds like you do a lot with one on one time with the DSC, movie nights and so on. It doesn't sound like DSC are excluded.

I think I would suggest that maybe you can do what he wants here once every three months, or he can settle for having you not involved and he spend one on one time with them himself, or he can give up your date time to be the time you spend with the step-children.

It’s a lovely thing to do and almost certainly what would happen in a house with 2 parents and 4 dcs of those ages with grandparents willing to do childcare. Like almost everyone I don’t see why it can’t be a game night or movie night or doing some project at home while the little 2 are asleep with a “big kids” outing a couple of times a year. Getting a babysitter every month to seems extreme.

You're 1 big family
Of 4 children, all of whom share the one father.
Older kids do tend to feel a bit cast aside when it's all about younger siblings. Would it be the end of the world to do something more suited to their age bracket every once in a while?
OP has repeatedly explained that their "1 big family" time i always suited to their age bracket, the younger ones are just also there.
Give them a bit of special attention? For the sake of the odd afternoon? It can only be a good thing, surely
OP has repeatedly stated that they get "a bit of special attention" when they have movie and board game evenings together when the little ones are in bed. She has also repeatedly stated that an "odd afternoon" when her children are in nursery would be fine. Her twat of a husband wants her to send her young children to her parents one weeken per month for an overnight trip as an "odd afternoon" is not enough for his most important children.
OP has also repeatedly said she would like it to be about her young children SOMETIMES but her husband will not engage if his important children are not present.
Honestly, the rampant fuckwittery spewing all over this thread was amusing at first but really it's starting to get a bit much. Why do people who can't or won't read what OP has actually said feel the need to wade in and rant making themselves look incredibly silly?

*you said it yourself.
If you have to parent, you want to be parenting YOUR kids, not HIS!
In other words, you're entitled to a break , and his kids are not your responsibility.

..
breaking it down, i get you're tired and need a break. So does anyone with small kids. However- it is clear your just not loving being a stepmom or see it as important any more. This is obviously going to cause trouble the Step Kids, and their father... So you do have to find a better solution than just saying no.

Your situation is tough, but can't you give a little. Maybe, accepting your importance as stepmom and showing your engagement will help rebalance things and it won't be needed going forward at the same level*

Yet another with comprehension issues.

OP is engaged with the SC, regularly. She is also willing to have occasional days out with just them, as she has said many times throughout this thread.

And yes, obviously if it's a choice between no time to herself or a well-deserved night off from responsibility, of course she'll choose the latter. The SC are not her responsibility. Her own two children are, even more so because their dad doesn't engage with them.

If the SC get one weekend dedicated to them from both dad and stepmum do the little ones not deserve the same?

Does it not make a more cohesive family if the children are all treated the same? Lots of family time so the children can be together, some 1:2 time where dad takes out the older and OP looks after the younger.

If his concern is genuinely the OP maintaining a strong relationship with his two children and in his eyes that means she has time with just them then maybe he can look after his other two children and allow OP to take the elder two bowling/cinema/out for food? Why do they need both adults when in non-blended families the same wouldn't happen?

You are honestly talking absolute shite.

You really have made up your own narrative and are running with it aren't you? Either that or your reading skills are shockingly bad.

Have you even bothered to read OP's posts? She is a part of their lives, she spends time with them both alone once the little ones are in bed and doing family stuff. She hasn't said she'll never do anything with them, she's happy for the occasional day out focused on just them, she simply doesn't want it to be 25% of her weekends which mean sacrificing time with her own young children.

If you have to parent, you want to be parenting YOUR kids, not HIS!

Is that really so mind blowing?

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

You don’t doubt for a nano second that YANBU. So why waste your time and energy as a full time working mum to two young children, two SC and ongoing tricky tension with you DH on fighting your corner for a group of anonymous posters?

Excellent posts.

I hope the OP feels strengthen in her position and sees the waster her husband is.

The damage this waster will do to their childhood, being reared as an afterthought will be huge.

Her husband is utterly wrapped up in himself, to an extent that he doesn't sometimes contribute to them financially.

I hope the OP has a good look at all she does for him and his children and starts pulling back and focusing fully on hers.

Hard to imagine a man so selfish is sharing the workload.

If you have to parent, you want to be parenting YOUR kids, not HIS!

Is that really so mind blowing?

It is considering that you choose a man with DC.

What did you expect would happen?

If the 4 DC belonged to you both there are days out not suitable to toddlers.

You would be happy to allow the older DC a day out without toddler/baby in tow.

I'm very glad and purposely avoided dating a man with DC thanks to the advice of a wise woman.

The majority of blended families are a disaster.

She probably didn't expect this, because this is frankly a ridiculous suggestion and not the norm at all.

Considering you have no experience of this why not take it from many people who actually do?

Also have you actually read any of the op posts? She's REPEATEDLY said she doesn't have a problem with doing it, it's the frequency that's, quite rightly, the issue.

RTFT Ffs.

Christ the trolls came out on this one! However, remember stepparents CANNOT QUESTION ANYTHING on MN! 🤐

And to the PP saying you should treat DSC “EXACTLY” like your own kids, pop onto the stepparenting boards on here for how much the actual mothers of Stepkids just loooove that. 😂

OP I think you’re completely correct. Spending time with all 4 children IS quality time. And the occasional (not monthly) day out with just the DSC is also fine. But scheduling it into what sounds like a pretty busy life is pointless pressure.

It does sound (from limited, obvs one-sided info here) as though your DH is harbouring an excessive amount of guilt about his split from DSC’s mother. Might be worth getting a little counselling to process that, as it sounds like he’s a really trying but maybe struggling with his emotions about having a new family. It’s almost as if he doesn’t want to enjoy anything or feel happy if the DSC aren’t there. I think talking it out with someone could really help him. 🍀

But the SC aren't the OP's responsibility, her children are. And seriously, how many times does the poor woman have to say she's happy to do occasional days out that are appropriate for the SC?!

Are you honestly saying she should prioritise the SC over her own two, because that's how it sounds.

What did you expect would happen?

I suspect OP expected that her husband would treat her children with him with as much care and concern as his first two and it's come as a huge disappointment to find out that he seems to be incapable of that.

So then for the man who demands so much of her, including bearing the financial responsibility for their children when he has blown his money on treats for the others, to then demand she take even more away from her children to give to his must feel like a fucking brass neck too far.

I'm not sure you needed the word "critical" in there, TBH.

But the SC aren't the OP's responsibility, her children are.

Once you become seriously involved with someone who has DC they are part of the package.

And seriously, how many times does the poor woman have to say she's happy to do occasional days out that are appropriate for the SC?!

That's fair enough as she should do as she committed to a man who has DC.

I personally wouldn't like the situation myself but I wouldn't get involved with a man with DC adding more DC.

You don’t give much of a about these kids, do you? At least own it!

Try it once or twice. Say, for the birthday of one of them. Why not be generous to his suggestion every now and again? There is nothing to lose. Don't commit to a regular outing but do focus on the older two every now and again. You might have fun.

…much of a d*

(sorry this deletes asterisks)