'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

I think a lot of the YABU replies I've responded to though have complete misinformation or downright made up things in them though.

There's a lot of hyperbole, things like 'you never want to spend time with your husbands children' or 'you can't even spare once in a blue moon' and people keep on saying these things as if that's what I've said.

Yes I do reply defensively to them because it's completely false, I won't just accept poster's acting like I've said really negative things, very obviously designed or worded to make it sound a hell of a lot worse than it is, when I haven't said them.

People can disagree on the main point which was that once a month is too frequent, I'll agree to disagree after thinking about this and seeing the vote etc.. but I won't just not reply to completely fabricated shit. In fact a lot of the YABU poster's are telling me to do things I've already said I will do! I.e. not once a month but maybe occasionally - I've already agreed with this!!

Well most don't think I am being so...?

If I was one of those OPs where everyone were telling me I was wrong and I repeatedly said I wasn't then fine, but 64% of 2228 people don't think I am being so it's a fair assumption surely?

Ignore me, wrong thread!!

Yes I asked. And the answer was that MOST people don't think I'm unreasonable so I'm not sure why everyone's so upset that I have taken that to mean that I'm not being unreasonable.

Sorry op, ignore me I've posted on the wrong thread. I infact don't think you're unreasonable whatsoever

Oh FFS so sick of the thread police. No one is forcing you to read is it? OP can post whatever she likes.

Yeah, this has very strong man expecting other people to do his childcare for him energy.

you're not shipping them off, you'll be giving them quality time with their grandparents.

OP will decide when it’s best for her children to have quality time with their grandparents.

I wonder if you’d be so happy for them to have quality time with their grandparents on a day when dscs aren’t doing anything.

Tbf your DH is the one who created 4 DC.

I hope he's learnt a lesson from this not to reproduce again if this relationship fails and not expect his next woman's family including parents to be inclusive of 4 DC.

He does sound a bit selfish, this will be a problem for years between you both blended family are tough.

I would suggest he needs to rein in his spending on the DSC because he'll need to be paying a childminder/babysitter for the little ones while he's taking the bigger kids out with you, as it's completely unreasonable to suggest your parents look after your little ones so often so he can assuage his own guilt. I get what he wants to do, but once a month is quite frankly too often for a lot of families to manage for a 'nice day out' for all their children. And the compromise does naturally come with the younger ones as they don't care so much, but that doesn't make it fair.

These children don't seem like some woebegone step children made to sleep in a cold basement and never treated like family. Not everyone is traumatised by living in a blended family.

Tbf OP until all the usual suspects turned up telling you you have a DH problem (which is code on this site for how dare a man actually ask for something), people were saying YABU. And you were still saying no I'm not, so you already clearly thought you weren't.

Also the majority aren't always right, you only have to look at our government to see that.

Plenty of posters on here just like to rile the OP up and cause a rift just for shits and giggles. In which case, job done. Meanwhile in real life people in decent relationships actually do things they're not always 100% on board with because they know it's important to their partner.

But whatever.

@EmeraldShamrock1

And she created two DC and two SC

Does your looking after those children mean you don't have time to actually read what is written in front of you?

To use your words, I'm absolutely appalled that someone with such poor comprehension skills is involved in bringing up children.

You have completely and utterly created your own narrative that has nothing to do with OP.

She's trying to make sure the SC are treated the fucking same as her kids, not differently.

Fucks sake.

Also the majority aren't always right, you only have to look at our government to see that.

Ahh but you are let me guess?

Tbf OP until all the usual suspects turned up telling you you have a DH problem (which is code on this site for how dare a man actually ask for something), people were saying YABU

The vote (it's at the top of the page), has actually consistently been more in favour of me not being unreasonable for the entirety of the thread. I'm assuming 'the usual suspects' don't make up over 60% of the people who've voted.

Fantastic. He can contribute equally to their joint children and do nice things with them when his older children aren't around then, since he knows it's important to his partner!

The idea that people are just making up that she has a DH problem is absolute bullshit, btw.

Please explain how being willing to spend occasional days out with SC while not wanting to commit to 25% of weekends is unreasonable?

How is that fair to the OP's two young children who don't get the same? How is that in any way reasonable?

I think we are about to be told again that the younger children don't require financial support or quality time with their father because they sleep under the same roof as him full time and anyway they will always be too young to notice their father is playing favourites, no matter how old they get.

Waits patiently

Surely the bottom line is your dh can't tell you what to do in your own time? Not sure I would give up time with my own dc to see ones that weren't mine...

@FabulousKilljoys i don’t think the dh was at all unreasonable for asking

its the fact the op went back and said can we make it a few times a year rather than a strict timetable and he refused to consider… that makes him a bit of a twat

so I don’t see it as a SC issue anymore. It’s a firmly Dh/marriage issue

In particular he can't tell her to enlist other people in service of that!

Fuck me some people are as thick as mince.

YANBU in the slightest OP.

Originally, I read OP post and agreed NOT BU. The more I read, the more I changed my mind - not so much about the initial question, but more about what a seemingly awful and negative attitude OP seems to have towards DSC.

You can tell yourself you're a decent, fair, good SM but the way you talk about them etc is really sad. And they may seem OK and happy but children are sensitive and step children, even more so. They will definitely be getting your vibe and picking up on the resentment that, you can deny all you want, is clearly there.

Your DH was their dad before he was you DH. They didn't choose for him to leave them. They didn't choose for him to remarry. They didn't choose for him to have new children who he lives with and hasn't left. This is their reality. They've had zero say in it.

And even though you've stated you are not their second mum, and from your numerous, lengthy posts, it seems clear you have no interest in that role - it doesn't mean that DSC don't see you that way, especially the younger one.

Also, you are either deluded or purposefully minimising the reality of the DSC's situation! You really think his older DC get more 'quality time' than your DC?!?

He left his older children.
He no longer lives with his older children
He lives with YOU.
He lives with YOUR children.

"Yeah okay he might have tea with the youngest more nights of the week after work and the business of getting everyone ready for bed, fed, bathed and whatever." this - right here - THIS IS QUALITY TIME. MOST CHILDREN WOULD CHOOSE THIS OVER EVERYTHING ELSE - to live day to day with their parent(s)

" But actually end of the week, focused, quality time... They 100% get more of that" THEY'D SWAP IT IN A HEARTBEAT TO HAVE THEIR DAD LIVE WITH THEM.

Whether or not you want/agree to spend regular quality time alone with your DH and DSC seems irrelevant by the end of this thread. The more pressing matter may be for you to speak with a completely neutral 3rd party (professional, maybe) to work through your denial of how you view and think about your DSC.

The tit for tat stance seems churlish and totally immature. The lack of acknowledgement of the actual set up and what constitutes quality time is what's frustrating a lot of people who've replied to you and, comes across at totally inconsiderate of the DSC on your part.

It's always 'funny' (not haha) to see AIBU posts from people where it's clear very early on that the OP has zero interest in what others think as they already made up their minds and they come to MN with the sole aim of their unreasonableness being justified.

The short reply - YABVVU and I feel so sorry for all the children involved.