'They need to spend time with us alone'

[Loco323]

Me and DH have two young DC (toddler and baby). He also has two older DC from his previous relationship who are 9 & 12.

We fell out the other night about something and I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable.

Basically he was saying we need to spend some time with older DC on our own, take them out somewhere or whatever so, in his words, they still feel special to us.

I get what he's saying about feeling special and he does have 1 on 1 time with them a lot, whenever he wants, I'd never stop him. But from my POV I don't know why this needs to involve me.

My parents help out with our DC (for which I'm very grateful!) whenever we need it and have done quite a lot when me and DH have gone out together or with friends so he's saying to ask them to watch our DC whilst we take out the older ones maybe once every month or so.

I've said no. He's okay to have one on one time whenever he wants but I'm not shipping my children off so I can join. I don't see the need. Apparently I don't show them any focus anymore since having our DC... what does he want from me? I'm perfectly nice and get on with both of them really well but I don't think we need loads of one on one time or to make a big fuss about them being special to me.

They don't live with us 24/7 they have a very involved mum so not like they need that from me.

Quite happy to go out as a family but don't see why I need to join these special 1 to 1 trips. AIBU?

It's very telling that at this point pretty much all of the comments wading in to berate OP have blatantly missed almost all of the conversation.

It's a checklist of

• Couldn't you agree to do this once in a while (as if she doesn't and isn't fine with this)
• Couldn't you have fun with them once the children are in bed (as if she doesn't and isn't fine with this)
• All the activities you do with them must be toddler focused
• The younger two must get quality time with their dad all the time
• All parents do this with their own kids

As if all of those things haven't been disproved time and time again throughout the thread.

The thread had got to the point where it's just people batting off the same stupid comments above over and over again. Nobody that has actually engaged with the thread properly and acknowledged that none of these statements are accurate is commenting to criticise OP anymore - because it is blatantly obvious to anyone that comprehends the situation that she is doing absolutely nothing wrong.

@Hutchy16

Like many who post on Mumsnet, she wants to be agreed with by a bunch of like minded women so she can say and think “see everyone agrees with what I want to do” - which is why she posted on Mumsnet and not some forum for step kids or dads with blended families. But even when n a place biased toward them many can’t handle anyone not providing support for whatever the f they want.
in reality she had no intention of hearing anything to the contrary so Im not surprised your post was removed.

Did you really just say 'some forum for step kids or dads with blended families' as if they are different from families with a biological mum and dad?

You do realise Mumsnet is for all right?

Collected another DC? Wtf.

The SC situation isn’t the situation

crappy marriage

@Loco323

But not regular scheduled off 'special days' where her parents are expected to provide childcare

OP, is there a reason why his own parents can't provide occasional childcare (not for these DSC-only days he wants, but just in general)?

It reads like he thinks YOUR parents should provide the childcare because they're YOUR kids?

I can see we have started a thread within a thread by poster who haven’t read the thread, nor OP’s posts.

PaddleBoardingMomma · 09/05/2022 15:33
I don't see why giving up one afternoon a month to make your husband abs two little kids happy. I think it's a nice idea, and if more step parents did it maybe we would have less threads about blended families not getting on.
You sound disinterested to me, I'm sure your husband is disappointed. You know how much you love your own children, so you just understand how much he loves them and wants them to have a bond with you?
Dads can't win really. If he wasn't making an effort he'd be called a shitty dad. And when he tries, the new woman shoots the idea down in flames.

This!

I don't see why giving up one afternoon a month to make your husband abs two little kids happy.

In answer to this, which has been quoted so many of times - what does he do to make OP and their joint two children happy? Because it sounds like all he does is begrudge allowing them things, forget/fail to consider them due to focusing on the older kids, and constantly jump to the defensive whenever OP tries to discuss the genuine problems with his behaviour, shutting down all discussion.

This is not a man who deserves to be "made happy" further.

@aSofaNearYou
I hope you aren't holding your breath expecting a straight answer on that, you will turn purple long before you get one because the answer just doesn't suit the agenda.

Even just looking at the failing to contribute to the things the younger children need because he has spent it all on extravagant gifts for the older kids part - absolutely nobody would be showering this man with praise and saying "aaaw why not just do something to make him happy" if he couldn't pay for his younger kids shoes and coats, or nursery fees, because he had bought himself a load of luxuries. Yet many posters on this thread refuse to even consider that there is a problem with how he treats his younger children.

That right there is what we call obvious bias.

Quite. It's laughable at this point how many people are pulling the "you don't care about your SC" card when it's blatantly obvious that they don't have it in them to care about anything that affects the younger children at all. It couldn't be more obvious that they are only remotely interested in issues that affect step children, yet they have the gall to accuse others of not caring.

‘One afternoon a month’ Says poster after poster, all of them either unable to read or can’t be bothered. If i tell my Dh I’m out for an afternoon he’d be pissed if I came back late that night or the next day. If it were just ‘one afternoon’ they’d hardly need childcare from the ops parents overnight. Stop writing this down to oh it’s just a couple of hours. It’s not.

ifthe op were complaining her parent didn’t want to have her dc overnight once a month mumsnet would tell her she’s the parent and she should suck it up, boone owes her childcare much less an entire night away a month. It’s a huge amount for most parents. We might get parents to have our children one or two nights a YEAR and I don’t think that’s at all unusual. We would treat those nights as special occasions. It’s perfectly reasonable the op doesn’t want to do this so she can parent her sdc!

They live in a different country so my parents do all our childcare (outside of nursery) they are the only people we have to ask. Another reason I don't want to take the piss!

I think a lot of your posts are quite confusing.

I don’t see why you need to get your parents to have your children over night to accommodate a trip out with just the step children.
I don’t see why you can’t see your friends and take the step children out for the day. Why is it one or the other

Why does even a day trip involve you writing off your whole weekend
Why does you seeing your friends right off a full weekend.

The language you use to describe situations definitely infers you are blaming the step children

You call them spoilt
You don’t say Dh spoils them

You say that you aren’t going to “ship” your children off to their gps just so as you can spend time with your SC
What do you call it when you and your Dh spend time together alone. Is that because you have “shipped” your children off to their gps
Why can’t you say that the younger 2 go and visit their gps for a few hours, the day or evening.

With your further updates I think you have 2 problems and they aren’t your step children

The first is your Dh who seems to put his eldest children on a pedestal and a quite reasonable request has turned into a major issue.

The second is how you interpret spending time or doing something with your step children or seeing your friends etc

Why are these allocated whole weekends when a few hours one day each month would be perfectly fine to take dsc out

How are you spending whole weekends with your friend where you can’t seem to do anything else

@Kennykenkencat It's not confusing at all, you misread literally everything you said there 🙄

I don't think she's misread so much as not read OPs posts at all and decided to go off on one 🙄

I think it's a nice idea. I can certainly imagine that in a family of 4 with a large age gap, that creating some extra time with the older kids alone could be really valuable. I think that would be the same regardless of whether they were all your children or some are step children. I think you should listen to your DP in an open minded way about why he thinks this would be beneficial. You seem very dismissive.

Youseethethingis1

what exactly did I mis read.

@Kennykenkencat
You actually agree with the OPs position on this matter and yet you have presented a great big long post demanding answers to things OP has already answered repeatedly as if you want to to join the pile on.
So either to up misread as Sofa suggested or didn't read quite alot of OPs posts, which is what I am suggesting.
But then you actually misread my post as if I said I thought you misread, so maybe I need to rethink my position on this 🤔

I think you should listen to your DP in an open minded way about why he thinks this would be beneficial. You seem very dismissive
I think the husband should be made to explain why he thinks the exact same thing (quality age appropriate time/trips etc) should not happen for the younger children before he starts trying to tell OP why the other set deserve it. He might realise what a knob he's been in time before he makes an even bigger knob of himself. And very dismissive of 50% of his own children.

Those who think this is reasonable? Do you get a childfree night once per month?

i have had one childfree night in the last few years.

i ask because I want to know where this childcare comes from? I want in!

Why have you decided that OPs parents time is hers to 'give'?

Well quite! My DM loves my children and the are now a lot older and require very little entertaining. But I can't imagine she would be up for having them for a weekend each month. She has her own life! I can't help thinking that the dh wouldn't be suggesting this if it meant him having to ask his family for a MASSIVE favour on a monthly basis.

I’m unsure why you even posted on AIBU when clearly you don’t think you are?

Yeah I asked that too. Don’t think I’ve come across an OP in AIBU more adamant that they’re not being unreasonable before 😂