'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

@AgentJohnson Absolutely spot on. Thank you.

This. Then turn your phones off when you are there outside of those three days.

Do people really write messages like this?

They haven’t gatecrashed if you invited them. You can’t dictate how long they stay in the country. I hope the grandparents have a wonderful holiday.

OP. By the sound of it. Your family have suffered some catastrophic trauma. (Don't know what and don't need to know) . However it is clearly something of great magnitude to need a month away in order to heal . ?

Are the parents/parents in law not aware of this ? Are they not sane enough/emotionally intuitive enough to appreciate why you are there in the first place ?
If they are unaware of the cause of your need to be together as a unit without others. Would it not be beneficial for the child of these parents to explain why you need this time without a long interruption.

Sometimes you just have to speak to people and tell them what you need and why.

I agree - what kind of a person would do that. But then it’s easy to say when it’s not you’re drama to deal with.

Are they your parents or DP's parents?

Reading your posts carefully, I get the impression they are your own parents. You shouldn't have invited then to join your holiday. You didn't need to "soften the blow" of a holiday. But I think you've realised that now.

For your DP's sake, (and assuming they are your parents), you need to take a lot more responsibility for pushing back on them. There should be less "we this, we that". Whoever's parents they are, should be the sole contact and gatekeeper.

You mention a draining 18 months. They have come between you because you are trying to handle them together. But actually you and you alone (or dp alone if they are his parents) should be handling them. Firmly.

And stop inviting people to things if you don't want them!

Ask whick three days they want to see you and tell them you're keeping the other days for yourselves.

There seems to be a lot of drama around this.

Just a thought - if you know the 10 days that they are due to be in the same city and the essentially the same neighbourhood as you (as you mentioned their apartment will be around the corner from the one you're basing yourselves in), can you take yourselves away for a mini-break in your holiday? So you use the apartment as your base for the month but you hire a car or go on a train journey for maybe 5 days away, and see a different part of the country, that will leave just two other days when they are around the corner from you?

Using the example that someone else gave of it being Paris that you're staying in, could you visit Rouen or Bordeaux or anywhere else basically in France or even get on the Eurostar and visit Brussels during the 10 days that they will be visiting? Just let them know you're going on a spur-of-the-moment visit to another place and you'll be back before they leave,

Would that be something you could do? Could you afford to do something like that?

Well why did you invite them then?? They didn't gate crash.

Seriously why would you do that? Why cause the drama and upset?

@Everyoneishappier They know. They just put their needs/wants before those of others.

Fell on deaf ears

I find this phrase offensive, as someone with a severe hearing loss. Please reconsider using ableist language like this in the future, OP.

As to your dilemma, YANBU to want to get away from it all. It's a shame your FIL and DH don't stand up for your MIL more when her choices impact others so much. Can you book activities for most of their days there, and DON'T tell her what you have booked, when?

I'd be stressed and upset about this OP and it would cast a shadow over something I'd planned to specifically not have a shadow.

I agree with others about telling them you'll be around the first 3 days and then I'd make plans to go away somewhere else for a few. That way there's no discussion about day 4,5 etc. But be vague about the location (or outright lie just in case)! And do not make a hint of an invite!! It's not ideal but there must be somewhere outside the city that you'd like to visit - and if you're in a warm city it may be a relief to get to the countryside/coast? If you're further north then the coast is also quite different during the summer months.

Maybe meet them for dinner on the last night?

I'm sorry they have ignored you and are staying longer. There's still ways out of this that will mean you get the time you need, other than the three days. One thing though, if you make a decision quickly about leaving town and book it, then tell them you'll be with them 3 days (or whatever the plan is) you will have control again and this stress you're feeling now will all but vanish. The longer you leave it before getting this settled, the worse you're going to feel and the longer the shadow cast over your special time will be. If there's nowhere you can think of going, pick randomly: there's always things to do and see somewhere new.

@Ismellspring

You've been given lots of good practical suggestions here. Are you going to take any on board?

Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper.

i wouldn’t. Honestly.

Rather than seeing her sulking as a downer, laugh and joke and semi ridicule it. Over the top “uh oh granny is in one of her moooods”.

Do they not acknowledge your trauma as genuine trauma ? Or are they the 'stop making a drama' brigade... because it's better for them ?

You’re there for a month? They’re there for ten days? Surely you’ve still got three weeks on your own?

I don’t understand the drama over this to be honest, you invited them, I’m not sure that you can dictate the terms of that if they’re not staying with you.

To me you have 3 choices
1/ you cancel
2/ you tell them to cancel
3/ you accept it and get on with it , it’s 10 days out of 30 and yeah I’d be annoyed in your situation but if you aren’t prepared to do 1 or 2 then this is your only option . Tell yourself it will be fine tell them you really aren’t going to be available if you don’t want to and look forward to your holiday .

Just make plans during the 10days to do a few things to appease them and make space the rest of the time.
You don't have to be at their beck and call, it's your idea, your holiday and neutral territory so the rule book of mother can go out of the window.
Hopefully they will respect your space and you'll have a great time.

You've got 20 days without them, even if they spend the whole 10 days with you, which they might not.

20 days is loads, it really is. Like most people, I never get more than two weeks' holiday at a time, so be thankful that this time is available to you.

A holiday is a great way to de-stress and unwind but it sounds like your expectations about this break were already unrealistic even before inviting your parents to visit.

You do sound very dramatic and I think you enjoy the drama else why would you invite people you clearly don’t respect very much, to visit you when you’re trying to get away from it all?

In fact, who on earth invites their parents to visit them on holiday unless it’s to use them for free childcare? It makes zero sense.

OP you sound very enmeshed.

have you tried some therapy to help your resilience and boundaries?

both of our sets of GPs have tricky traits, but with clear boundaries and zero guilt over their over reactions we can manage them fine. (I find this easier than DH but he hasn’t had as much therapy as me!)

practically, at this point as week long jaunt to somewhere else in the country for 7 nights of their 10 day trip is probably your best option.

i wouldn’t tell them the specifics of that in advance though, just make my plans and tell them in real time.

get yourself some emotional support. If you are able to detach from them, handling them will get easier.

Have either of you gone back to them and said, hang on, we specifically said three days? If they know what you've been through and why you want to get away from it all, surely you can have a conversation about how 10 days is too much for you and if they do come they can't expect to see you every day?