'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

Did you actually talk about or mention the length of their visit when you invited them? I mean this gently because you’re clearly going through a rough time - you can’t invite someone to come and visit you and then lose your shit because they have the audacity to….come and visit.

Unless you actually specified that they could come out for a couple of days but you needed space so weren’t up for a visit any longer than three days, then YABVVU.

I think it should be a conversation, if possible face to face, from you and your DP together to them. Text messages, emails etc are not the best idea. You want to set boundaries not just for the month concerned but for a longer period.

If I was asked to come and visit and travel abroad I would not want to stay for just three days and would book longer.

@TiddleyWink Yes, we were very clear. Fell on deaf ears, obviously.

I can imagine the change in atmosphere around the trip for you now that you have lost control of how it will be a little bit. And that you don’t even have the energy to carry out some of the boundary advice you’ve been given.

In your op it seems as though the gps motivations are entirely self centred. Is there any chance that there’s another perspective here, that they are doing it for you in some way? They must be aware of your difficulties for the last 18 months, is there a chance they want to be near you in case you need them?

Omg. Stop being so flipping wet. You're an adult. You invited them. Just make daily plans and suggest the occasional meal as a sweetener. Hardly worth agonising over for 4 pages!

Oh dear, that sounds extremely painful.
If they can't be persuaded to reduce their visit, then I think you will have to pre-plan some stuff that takes you away from your accommodation for at least half of the time that they are there.
Day trips out, pre-ticketed stuff, even maybe a 3 day trip to somewhere else!

As has already been suggested, you could also let DD be with them for a day to allow you and your DH to go out together, just the two of you. I don't know if that's part of your healing but if it is, then that could be a useful option.

I'm sorry that your attempt to be conciliatory has led you to this mess. But perhaps it will help you to see why you need to create boundaries and stick to them, and not let overpowering people take the piss.

Well a couple of days they can take the dc out to do child friendly things, whilst you two have lovely child free days having a leisurely long lunch drinking wine etc. Ditto a couple of evenings out by yourselves.

You could work this to your advantage.

Having read the full thread, I do think YABU as well as making it bigger than it needs to be.

You asked them to come. They are not staying with you. Understandably, they want to stay longer than 3 days & have booked their own apartment. It's close to yours, as otherwise it would be hard to see you.

In terms of them intruding over 10 days, you really just make specific plans that suit you, and do your own thing, go out for the other days. Yes, it might mean saying no occasionally, but that's ok - it's your holiday.

You invited them for 3 days. I assume to stay with you?

They've booked 10 but told you they understand what you need and won't intrude.

Unless you can 100% be sure from previous experience they will turn up at your apartment every day at 8am with expectations then I think you need to consider that they maybe do intend to spend the 3 days you invited with you and the other 7 having their own holiday.

@Sparkl You're spot on, in the first part. Sadly, they're very self-absorbed. Also loving, kind and generous - but always on their terms.

YANBU. They are being totally unreasonable and intrusive. You and your DH need to tell them very firmly that you said 3 days, and will spend 3 consecutive days with them. End of story.

No conversation or further explanation required. Do not entertain justifying yourselves.

Come visit us in instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say.*

Why? Why? Why???

YANBU but you knew what you were like so there should have been no invite of any description at all.

Is anything cancellable, re-bookable?
Can you speak to them and say the 10 days are too much?
Can you say we agreed 3 days so we'll spend 3 days together while you're there but the rest of your 7 days you need to entertain yourselves?

@Fritilleries I'm down, but not out. Bugger off with your rudeness - you read it.

It all sounds very dramatic on all sides.

Whilst they do sound cheeky, you did invite them for a shorter period and
you're incredibly fortunate to be able to have the time and the funds for a full month holiday.

Bonkers to invite them, nut it's done.
Although you have the apartment booked, book one night away, somewhere a bit further that you can do in a day trip.
Day on your own in advance "preparing", two days with an overnight away, first day back "recovering" - four days out of their ten sorted

Also if they love spending time with their DGD could they take her out for a couple of day trips allowing you and your DH some time on your own.

This seems to be the "Get Out of Jail Free" card that you're looking for.

If they intrude on your hospitality longer, say "Ok, so when we get home, which days will you not be seeing us? You see, the purpose of our holiday was to get an entire break from all family, DH's and mine. So, you can either see us here in X location during your 10 day break or when we get home but not both."

When you get home (or actually before you leave) order and install a Ring type doorbell so that you can see who is at the door before you have to open it. Then you can speak to them at the door if they try and visit during the days when they're not supposed to, and you don't have to open the door.

The parents are renting nearby already

Sorry, why on earth did you offer for them to visit? You’re only going for a month?! It’s a long holiday. Also you can’t dictate how long they’re going to have a holiday for. YAB massively U.

Go away for a week of their stay. Book a holiday from your holiday and stay somewhere completely different. Pretend that was always the plan.

If you normally see each other every couple of months, why the need to invite them at all when you're (only) away for one month? If they are as bad as you say and the holiday as urgently needed as you say, I think I would try to rescind the invite.

This is what happens when you leave the responsibility of policing your boundaries to other people. Hopefully, whatever happens on this trip it will be the start of a change in behaviour from you.

The major issue is you’ve sabotaged your own holiday because you’re too scared to up for yourself.

You are definitely NBU. You and your family need space - which means thinking up an excuse ASAP why either they or you have to cancel. If it means losing a bit of cash over this in cancellation policy etc I think it would be worth it!!

Come on. It's absolutely standard to extend visits to a foreign country for a specific purpose (in this case to visit you) to have more general tourism time. It just makes sense, from a financial, time and environmental perspective, if you're traveling somewhere you want to explore (and I assume as a European city it has plenty to see and do) to make the most of the visit.

I have plenty of friends and family who have visited me in my city and stayed longer to explore without me, it doesn't mean either they or I expect me to host/ see them beyond the planned days.

I understand the desire to get away from it all and have some time to yourself but you shouldn't have invited them to visit then.