'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

[LubaLuca]

@Beauty3102

Where did OP say she invited them?

In the op.

[SW1amp]

@Beauty3102

Where did OP say she invited them?

In the OP, where she says “Come visit us in * instead, we say.”

[ilovechocolate07]

Maybe it will all fall through at the lastminute.com but you'll be really lucky and manage to find something else in a diff country!?

[Poppingmad123]

you invited them op!

”Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.”

Day 1 and 10 are usually write-offs. So book something in with them on days 3, 6 and 9 now so it covers your normal 3 days and so that the intinery and expectations are clear from the outset.

It doesn’t need to get messy but you do need to be clear what you want, not say one thing and mean another. It’s not fair on others, they’re not mind readers. If you choose not to be clear, because you fear something, then it really is your own doing. Sorry op but I can’t understand why you invited them when you know how desperately you needed this break. I wouldn’t have even told anyone till the last possible minute!

[Notmrsfitz]

It’s all very dramatic.
obviously I don’t know the ins and outs of why you have chosen to go away for such a length of time but, you did invite them - 3 days isn’t a very long time to be anywhere and if they were thinking they had 3 days with your family then they may think the other days could be used to look around and have a break for themselves.

I just find the whole thing very dramatic and think you may be making it worse in your catastrophising of the situation.

just enjoy 3 days with them and plan stuff for the other days without them.

[pollymere]

I would make plans for six of the days they are there. Tell them it's lovely that they're coming on holiday as well but you've made plans for certain days. Maybe work it out so you see them every other day or a couple in a row then a break. Make some plans that fall through or things that need booking ahead or they'd hate. You can also say that your smallbee needs downtime to enjoy their visits and say it will be much better to only see them then if it's easier. If you say you won't disturb them for the first day so they can settle in, you'll only have to manage four or five days then.

[Coffeepot72]

OP, you said 3 days but they booked 10. So you’re quite within your rights to be unavailable for 7 of their 10 days. I would do what has been suggested earlier, and take a trip elsewhere so that you’re literally out of town and not getting dragged into stress, guilt and drama.

Alternatively, bite the bullet and say you really need that month, so would they mind changing their plans? We all know that their promises of keeping a low profile won’t work.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@SW1amp

In the OP, where she says “Come visit us in * instead, we say.”

As in July, not June I think she meant. Not as in Naples instead of Scunthorpe

[Mfsf]

I would make sure they would never invite themselves again , I would just use them as babysitter for those 10 days and give you and hubby some time lol

[LoisLane66]

Don't they get it? I'm afraid you shot yourself in the foot and it wasn't a rubber bullet. You'll be limping for the whole of the time they're there. Knocking you up earlier than you might want to be up and organising days out blah di blah di blah. You know exactly how it will end up, so the only thing to do is to make it absolutely crystal clear (not, from what you've said, that it'll make any difference) that 3 days interaction IS ALL you are prepared to share no matter what she wants or how much of a strop she goes into. It's YOUR life and YOUR relationship on the brink. Will it be MiL or YOU? The power is in your hands.

[SleepingStandingUp]

@SleepingStandingUp

As in July, not June I think she meant. Not as in Naples instead of Scunthorpe

Ah no, it was Naples not Scunthorpe. My bad.

Op just day 2-4 of their stay to do something with them, get them to baby sit over night etc and then go on an adventure for a few nights to a different town days 5+. If they're trusted, you could even do a few nights with just hubby 5-7 and ask them to have the little one.

[RedMake88]

Such a tough and sorry it’s such a horrible time for you. I’m sorry you’ve suffered so much trauma.

I’m sure as loving parents and grandparents they are aware of your trauma and what a tough time it’s been, perhaps when they do come you can space out contact. I know when you ‘invited’ them it was out of politeness. It’s a shame it’s too late now. Wishing you well and hope this time away does you all good.

[SimpleShootingWeekend]

To the best of our knowledge they haven't mentioned any plans of going sightseeing or spending time away from the OP

apart from when they said they wouldn’t intrude and keep a low profile and keep out of the way. Does the OP want screenshots of tickets and restaurant bookings to prove these ghastly people won’t darken her door? Maybe they just want to potter about. Maybe they haven’t nailed down their itinerary yet. Maybe it’s a holiday and they want to relax and enjoy it.

You can invite someone to visit for 3 days but you can’t dictate how long their overall trip will be. The OPs parents are adults, organising and paying for their own holiday, literally spelling out to her that they will stay away, and are only going at the OPs suggestion but it’s still not good enough. I can’t believe actual adults think they can suggest a 3 day meet-up but then dictate the travel arrangements and not allow any free time outside of it.

FWIW I wouldn’t want my mum holidaying near me either because I would feel obliged to suggest things and meet up and would just know she was “there” which does take a certain amount of mental energy but that is my fault, not my mums and easily avoidable by not contorting myself into martyrdom and self sabotage and setting grandma up for a fall.

Please don’t send your mum a message starting “I am somewhat dismayed…” She’ll think you’ve been kidnapped and a robot is using your phone and then she really will come and knock on your door.

[LoisLane66]

I think you're a people pleaser and that will get you into many situations which are hard, if not impossible, to get out of.
It's reading things like this which make me glad that my in-laws lived in Australia and my mum hated travelling anywhere.
So sorry that some of your precious time will be eaten up by an overbearing MiL regardless of her good points which are, in any case, reduced due to the strings attached to them. I wouldn't be having any of it but as long as you won't rock the boat, you will just have to live with it. What a shame that you're living YOUR life under the conditions which OTHER people impose.
Wishing you the best holiday you can manage. 💐

[tomatoandherbs]

I think you're a people pleaser
on the basis of the message that the OP sent in inviting them, I’d say “people pleaser” is only of the last descriptions I’d use in relation to this op!

[rogueone]

well you were fools to send an invite- you either want time to yourselves or you dont. Telling folks who have a place close by who choose to come unreasoanlbe for doing a tenday stay is ridiculous. You should have said nothing. My DH and kids and i are going to our inlaws apartment on holiday which they said we could use ( my DH their son is terminally ill) they have not been offered a hint of coming too as we as a family need the space and a break. You were foolish to extend an invite . My advice to you now is to use them to look after your DC so you can get a break

[Winnipeg23]

Can you cancel the whole thing citing a totally different reason and abandon the plan. Then in a couple of months rebook something different..and don't extend invite.
The stress of them coming is obviously going to eat away at you and you sound like you really don't need this.
Or else apologize, pay any cancellation charges for them, and say for your mental health you need time alone with the family. If they are caring they will respect your need for space.
I don't think you can go through withthis. I'm feeling ur pain and I don't even know u.
Sending love.

[Mumontour85]

Are these your parents or your in-laws? If inlaws, your partner needs to be having this conversation, it should not be om you. This is an occasion where I think honesty will be best. Tell them what you need and put your foot down.

If you can't change your plans and they won't change theirs, all you can do is make yourself really busy (or just take the batteries out of the doorbell!) for their ten days and make it very clear and pointed that they are gatecrashing your peace and ruining the whole point of your holiday.

Alternatively, free child care for a week out of your month away........ could be a good thing?!

[SlatsandFlaps]

@Ismellspring
How did they take the news OP?

I'm sure if they're frequent travellers that they can find an alternative

[Nanny0gg]

@ivykaty44

I would actually tackle this before you go away

Firstly message them and say

I am somewhat dismayed that you've booked a place around the corner, we are going away to get away for the month and you need to understand our phones will be off and we will be out doing our own stuff. I want to communicate this to you now as I don't want you to arrive and have other thoughts about us all getting together when you arrive as that just not going to be the case. I'm being as up front and honest as I can as so not to upset you further down the line.
By letting you know this is our plan it gives you chance to establish whether you still want to pursue this holiday and also make your own plans if you continue. I can't be fairer than that, at least now you'll understand why we are not going to be seeing you whilst away and not take offence.

The OP initiated them...

[eastegg]

@ApolloandDaphne

You invited them to visit. They are entitled to book 10 days rather than just 3 given it probably involves flights from what you have said. You can't dictate how long people plan to go on holiday. You have a whole month there so still plenty of time to relax and they are not going to be staying with you. Why don't you plan sightseeing for when they are here so you can all be out and about leaving the rest of your time there for being more relaxed?

This. We don’t know that they are planning on seeing OP and family for more than 3 days. Totally reasonable for them to book longer to make the trip worthwhile for them. And if the answer to that is ‘but there’s no way they will stick to 3 days, I know what they’re like’, then the OP should never have invited them should she?

Sorry OP, but I think YABU.

[Scoobydoobydo]

Was your invite vague?
or did you say, you must come for THE WEEKEND?

stop stressing and suck it up, you still have 3 weeks to yourselves

[StaunchMomma]

I think I'd be booking excursions or a trip-within-a-trip so as not to be around for them.

Let them have their three days then go out or away yourselves for the remainder of their stay - if they complain tell them you thought they were making a holiday of it for themselves, seeing as you'd suggested they only visit you for 3 days, and you don't want to be an imposition on THEIR holiday.

Don't let them ruin the whole trip for you, OP.

[KarmaStar]

It's just ten days in their own accommodation.You invited them,perhaps they wanted a holiday.
You sound very dramatic and woe is me.
many thousands have been,are still ,suffering greatly,have lost everything and would love a family holiday.
change your mindset,be grateful and enjoy the holiday.

[Hmm1234]

Sounds like they’re offering to do childcare which seems nice. Can’t you and DP go off and do your own thing