'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

[me109f]

They are staying separately, and now you have a childminder for a few days if you need it. Take advantage of some private time for yourselves.

[wanderingscot]

• get some free babysitting too! (Was the end of my post below.
  Technical issues on Mumsnet

[wanderingscot]

@Ismellspring

Hi All
Thank you again for your huge range of responses. They've given me, as I said earlier, some perspective.
Please don't worry, no grandparents have been harmed (nor will be) during this process! They remain blissfully unaware of my feelings - I've had years of practise. They are looking forward to joining us and we shall ensure they have a great time. We will not be hiding behind closed doors or turned off phones.
We shall, however, choose our words far more carefully in the future and clarify all details together.

This is the best possible, most measured response I've seen on Mumsnet for a while OP.
Many people take situations like this to stir up the drama and division and that's helpful to no one. I'm sure you'll be clearer with them next time.
Hope you all have a good holiday. And you might get some free babysitting too! 🙂

[Greentee123]

I like the sentiment but this is unhelpful and have been in a similar situation. This is just getting more involved with the parents’ unwelcome intrusion on the trip and requires energy. I would avoid getting involved in this way like the plague.

[AmberMcAmber]

You’ve just described my MIL in far more polite language than I’d use!
I think you need to set some ground rules… “we can do X on this day, Y on that” etc (don’t be too prescriptive, leave some options open for on the day) but also lag the ground for their holiday time… ask them what they plan to do on ‘their’ holiday - might help them realise that while they might be nearby, it’s not a large family holiday

[RainbowGurl44]

You are not being selfish at all. Your mother-in-law is being selfish, with the clear intention (despite her claims) of trampling boundaries. What you have described about her strongly smacks of a personality disorder (at least as defined in the U.S.). If the plans can't be changed, then plan on firmly enforcing your boundaries no matter what it takes. It may be stressful at first, and do expect a temper tantrum followed by a self-thrown pity party. (Handle it like a child's tantrum since that's essentially what it is! In other words, ignore it.) People eventually learn whose boundaries they can cross and whose they can't.

To respond to other people's comments, if they couldn't come for just 3 days, then they should have declined the invitation altogether.

[N1no]

I can absolutely understand that you don’t want to see them for more than 3 days. That’s my maximum too after that I want to shoot myself at next comment about I breastfeed. I think it’s going to be very difficult to implement this rule though. Good luck!

[Summerholidayorcovidagain]

Just get dh to text and ask them which 3 days they want to spend with you so you can make some plans for yourselves the rest of your holiday.. Surely as simple as that?

[LaDamaDeElche]

Could you suggest your DD staying with them for a week to have some one-on-one grandparent time and you and your DH have some couple time. Then they’re would only be three days left and you could do a dinner with them or lunch and sightseeing and you wouldn’t have to spend a lot of time with them stressing you out. I’m assuming your DD enjoys spending time with them? You’d still have the rest of the holiday to do stuff with your DD. Could be a compromise.

[lisa231989]

They've probably booked 10 days so they can have a holiday as well - you cant assume they want to spend the whole 10 days with you. Dont go to all the expense/stress of rebooking somewhere else, especially as you were the one that invited them. To be honest, if someone invited me somewhere and then said "you can only come for 3 days" I'd be a bit miffed! Just tell them you can see them on certain days as you've got other plans 😊

[Ineke]

If you invited them for three days, keep it to that. Let them know that you want family time without them after the three days are up. Could be that they also only want to be grandparents for three days and the rest of the time want their own space too. You are never too old to want a romantic get away also, without family.

[Neverendingdust]

You offered an invitation and they took it, you only have yourselves to blame. Think of it as free childcare for 10 days.

[Roxy69]

@toomuchlaundry

Why did you suggest they come, if you are trying to get away from everything?

That was you shooting yourself in the foot. Should have kept quiet until it was over.

[sue20]

I had to respond here, I so understand your feelings. I too like to offer but then feel taken advantage of. You say they are kind, loving generous but on their terms. That isn't kind, loving or generous because those words imply thoughtfulness, empathy and sensitivity towards those they deal with. Not sure why you don't seem to have specified whether or not they are your parents, it would make a difference to the way you deal with the situation, but it's coming across as your DHs parents, so really it should be DH stepping in to deal with it if possible. As I say, I've been here, generally it hasn't turned out so annoying as it feels in advance. You say they've booked a place near but with the promise they will only expect 3 days from you. Presumably you don't trust this or even yourself not to feel invaded just with their near by presence. Then there's the guilt if you assert yourself, and the possible fallout. Of course there is also the issue of your daughter's perception of any fall out, and of the family holiday dynamics. Sorry for the analysis, but I think the ideas of arranging other stuff all quite difficult to gauge how it will feel when it comes to it. I think best to believe their protestations that they are just planning 3 days contact, remember yes that 2 days will be taken out by their travel and wing it as it comes, try not to worry too much in advance because it will affect your behaviour not to mention anxiety level. Just remember it's your immediate family's holiday and act with trust that they are going to arrange themselves for their own extra time. If they betray that deal when it comes to it, try to stay determined and cool to plan your days but stay kind to avoid later hassle. Good luck, I think it will be fine in the end.

[Blueberrywitch]

Just say that you’ve slightly adapted your holiday plans now so will see them for the long weekend but are off on a tiki tour of the countryside on X dates. Try not to live in regret and let this ruin your holiday, you still have the majority of the time without them in blissful freedom. Just adjust the vision you had and look forward to that instead.

[Coffeepot72]

Someone made a good suggestion earlier - cancel the whole trip, then a few months later book again, but don’t invite them for a visit.

[Eucalyptusbee]

I voted YABU because you invited them so not sure what you were expecting. Flying anywhere for just 3 days is rubbish. As it's a big city you'll be able to escape/ avoid fingers crossed 🤞

[Eucalyptusbee]

I voted YABU because you invited them so not sure what you were expecting. Flying anywhere for just 3 days is rubbish. As it's a big city you'll be able to escape/ avoid fingers crossed 🤞

[Hmm1234]

Sounds like they’re offering to do childcare which seems nice. Can’t you and DP go off and do your own thing

[KarmaStar]

It's just ten days in their own accommodation.You invited them,perhaps they wanted a holiday.
You sound very dramatic and woe is me.
many thousands have been,are still ,suffering greatly,have lost everything and would love a family holiday.
change your mindset,be grateful and enjoy the holiday.

[StaunchMomma]

I think I'd be booking excursions or a trip-within-a-trip so as not to be around for them.

Let them have their three days then go out or away yourselves for the remainder of their stay - if they complain tell them you thought they were making a holiday of it for themselves, seeing as you'd suggested they only visit you for 3 days, and you don't want to be an imposition on THEIR holiday.

Don't let them ruin the whole trip for you, OP.

[Scoobydoobydo]

Was your invite vague?
or did you say, you must come for THE WEEKEND?

stop stressing and suck it up, you still have 3 weeks to yourselves

[eastegg]

@ApolloandDaphne

You invited them to visit. They are entitled to book 10 days rather than just 3 given it probably involves flights from what you have said. You can't dictate how long people plan to go on holiday. You have a whole month there so still plenty of time to relax and they are not going to be staying with you. Why don't you plan sightseeing for when they are here so you can all be out and about leaving the rest of your time there for being more relaxed?

This. We don’t know that they are planning on seeing OP and family for more than 3 days. Totally reasonable for them to book longer to make the trip worthwhile for them. And if the answer to that is ‘but there’s no way they will stick to 3 days, I know what they’re like’, then the OP should never have invited them should she?

Sorry OP, but I think YABU.

[Nanny0gg]

@ivykaty44

I would actually tackle this before you go away

Firstly message them and say

I am somewhat dismayed that you've booked a place around the corner, we are going away to get away for the month and you need to understand our phones will be off and we will be out doing our own stuff. I want to communicate this to you now as I don't want you to arrive and have other thoughts about us all getting together when you arrive as that just not going to be the case. I'm being as up front and honest as I can as so not to upset you further down the line.
By letting you know this is our plan it gives you chance to establish whether you still want to pursue this holiday and also make your own plans if you continue. I can't be fairer than that, at least now you'll understand why we are not going to be seeing you whilst away and not take offence.

The OP initiated them...

[SlatsandFlaps]

@Ismellspring
How did they take the news OP?

I'm sure if they're frequent travellers that they can find an alternative