'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

@carefullycourageous You are so right. And once, in a previous life, I would be doing all of that. But now, my family need peace. And yes, these people are taking advantage of that.

Why did you invite them if you wanted to get away from it? I think you’ve made your bed here. And from their POV I wouldn’t want to go through the hassle of travelling just for 3 days.

Tell them you don't want them to come and if they have booked they will have to cancel and bear the cost or offer them one hour with the children on 2 of the days and no other contact at all. Then make sure you go out every day where they will never find you. Switch your phones off for the whole trip.

It's difficult to know whether you are being unreasonable. For most people, having a month to get away from it all is simply never going to happen. A week is the absolute maximum most people can manage. Your disappointment is that you're only getting 20 days of being alone rather than 30, when even that is 3 times what a lot of people can hope for.

So whilst I totally get that they have been unreasonable in making this booking, and it would be perfectly reasonable for you to minimise your exposure to them in whatever ways you can, i think you will actually be ok.

It was a silly suggestion for them to join you for 3 days. Especially for someone from the grandparent generation, who aren't as robust as they were. A 3 day European trip wouldn't be a good holiday for many people of this vintage - the first and last day of any holiday are a writeoff so 3 days is practically nothing. I'm not surprised they booked longer, but it would have been sensible to make arrangements to see them after your return instead if you wanted your holiday to be sacrosanct.

Are you sure there isn't a cancellation policy? I've booked quite a few apartments over the years and always been able to cancel. You've got nearly 3 months between now and August to find somewhere else.

You invited them to visit. They are entitled to book 10 days rather than just 3 given it probably involves flights from what you have said. You can't dictate how long people plan to go on holiday. You have a whole month there so still plenty of time to relax and they are not going to be staying with you. Why don't you plan sightseeing for when they are here so you can all be out and about leaving the rest of your time there for being more relaxed?

You still have the majority of the holiday without them there. Its annoying but families are fucked up, messy, dysfunctional units, (some anyway!), everyone is just trying to get through life the best way they know how. I have similar issues in my family, but unless you want to go down the harsh route of cutting off all contact, I don't think you can always control the situation, however upsetting that may be. Just try and implement strong boundaries when they are there.

I'm shocked by the people saying cancel and fo somewhere else - she INVITED them!

OP I still put YANBU because they've overstepped the mark and I'm really sorry it's causing you so much upset. I allocate 3/4 days to spend with them and then would book things for your family of 3 to do the rest of the time they're there. Ideally things you have to book in advance and will have sold out by the time they arrive. And if they're willing to babysit take them up on that and discover the city by night with your partner.

Try not to stress as you still have a long time away together without the grandparents. I hope you're able to enjoy it.

i would also pull the “Lovely that you booked for ten days. Which three are you staying with us?”

I also agree with @BuanoKubiamVej

Hmm, seems a bit unfair to invite them to visit you for 3 days only if they have to travel quite a way to do it. You shouldn't have invited them at all if you desperately need to get away from everyone and everything, maybe they doubled up the visit as their holiday too if it's a holiday destination.
Just make it clear that you'll only see them for those 3 days and nothing more.

@Momicrone Yes, you're right. I'm just trying to do the best by everybody.

I think all you can do now you are this far deep in it, is to keep reinforcing the 3 days in their head. “Oooh what shall we do on this day? What do you have planned for the rest of your week by yourselves?” Type conversations. You can make it positive, be over effusive about the time you have together, while making it very clear what a wonderful time they will have on their week alone together too. Good luck, I hope your holiday is just what you all need

Don't get worked up about the 10 days they're planning for their own holiday. Put a plan in place that allows them the 3 days with you as stipulated when you invited them and don't budge from it.

I do think this was a silly thing to do, to invite overbearing family along for a 'get away from it all' break. Just keep mentioning that 3 days to force them to make their own plans for the rest of their holiday.

These people saying book somewhere else and dont tell them etc, must be mad or horrible. Can you imagine the upset and family war that would create.

If they are there for ten days maybe see them alternate days and help them find things to do in the other days. A month in a city is quite a long stretch to fill; you might enjoy the variety. You did suggest they joined you and you can’t really expect them to travel abroad for three days.

Stop feeling responsible for then. They are adults and can manage to entertain themselves and you don’t have to ‘do’ anything.

you could send your DH and child to see them on one of the days, arrange dinner the next day and a visit to a park or something the third day. Duty over.

But I think once there you know exactly how it’s going to go and your be polite and accommodating and let them dictate the daily routine for 10 days straight.

If it’s in-laws your DH needs to have a conversation about the trip.

I thought you were going to say they were staying in your accommodation with you....at least it is not that. Are they yours or your partner's parents ...their child, be it you or your partner, needs to take them aside & be very clear that you have time on whatever days but that you both expect them to stick to what they said & not intrude at all for the remainder of it. At all. They are not to put you daily in the position of having to say no. One of you just find the strength to make that one statement now & be blunt, no more pandering about it, it doesn't need to be a conversation or discussion...it is not you being selfish or precious....you need time for your health & wellbeing & to be together just the 3 of you in your own family unit. I'd tell them again & just let her feel hurt or whatever the feelings are when you stick to what you said all along & are just not available! I do hope it is resolved & you get your recovery time

Can you use it as an opportunity for you and dh to spend some time together while they look after dc? I can understand you being miffed, but I can also see their point of view. They booked a holiday- at your suggestion, and want to get a decent break.

You have 20 days without them guaranteed, 3 days agreed visit so one week is unknown. I expect there will be a few things they would like to do on their own anyway so that would take up maybe 2-3 days. The other 3-4 days are at risk of them wanting to do things with you. Say yes when it suits and no thank you when it doesn't.

It is annoying but hopefully thinking about it as a small number of days potentially changed might allow you to enjoy build up to holiday.

What’s done is done and you have to accept that you put out the invite. What I would suggest is that you manage this now and say that you guys can get together towards the end of their holiday for a few days.

do not tell them where you are specifically staying (although it sounds as though you’ve done that), and do not tell them what you are doing on a daily basis including eating out. this means they will keep a low profile while you get on with your healing

Fuck that. Too late to change your destination (and not tell them?).

otherwise, you need cast iron rules with your DH to not engage with them, at all, except (say) two meals out during the whole time.

Unfortunately this is what happenes when you are people pleasers.

In your situation I would book to go away somewhere nice for several days.

I would text them and say that you are looking forward to seeing them for a couple of days.

Book to be away, don't mention it and when the time comes you pack up for the few days and be gone.

If your MIL is as you say, this was wholly predictable.

Take control of the situation rather than allowing it to distress you.

You are going abroad for a month, you suggest they come for the usual 3 days. I would say with the hoops you need to jump through to travel nowadays it’s just not worth it for 3 days. See it as a bonus, if you want a night out you’ll have your doting grandparents to help out. I no longer have my grandparents and would give anything to enjoy some time with them again, so I’d make the most of them being there, you still have another 3 weeks without them there to enjoy yourselves.