'Escape from it all' holiday gate-crashed

[Ismellspring]

After a very traumatic and emotionally draining 18 months that have pushed us to the brink, my partner and I plus our 6 year old daughter have rented an apartment in a European city for a month this summer. We just need somewhere to escape to, to regroup and unwind. We absolutely need this 'getting away from it all' opportunity to allow us to heal and begin to move on. The looking forward to it is already beginning to have a positive impact.
Now, there is a child involved and that child has adoring grandparents. You probably know where this is going...
Doting grandparents don't live near us (4 hours away) and we typically visit each other every couple of months for a weekend. Come visit us in * instead, we say. The usual 3 days, we say. Remember, we're getting away from everything, we say.
10 DAYS THEY'VE BOOKED.
Don't worry, we won't intrude, they say. We know you need space to recuperate so we'll keep a low profile, they say. You'll never know we're here, they say.
Their apartment is round the corner. She is very demanding and needy. She thinks there's a life rule book and she wrote it. Everyone around her dances to her tune - it's easier as she is a sulker and stropper. We have all been guilty of pandering to her in the past as we are never in her company long or often enough for it to be worth challenging.
I've hit rock bottom. We were so looking forward to a whole month of a different normal and the space and sanctuary to begin to live again.

I think if you said come and visit us there it probably gave the the green light so to speak to book, and they probably wanted to make the most of the time they have somewhere different too. In reality it sounds like you didn’t want them
to visit you there at all &
should have been honest with them.
is it too late to say to them? Can they cancel? Its completely understandable you need your time after being through a difficult time.

Some people like their parents and don't just want to use them for free childcare.

OP just busy yourself on the other days, I don't think you can dictate how long they are in the country but you can stick to the 3 days that you originally suggested. I hope you enjoy your time away and you all get to relax

I’m not 100% clear on the logistics because I don’t think you’ve said, but it sounds like you are going abroad and if they live four hours from you normally then surely they also need to be going abroad? Seems like that could be the motivation for the 10 days?

Or is that not correct? Are you all within the same European country and staying within same country for this holiday?

Because if not I can understand your worry they will crash ten days of holiday but it is quite unreasonable to expect anyone to take a flight and back to a European city over three days - at the least surely there have to do five days so as to have three full days with you as they were invited to do, and it makes a lot more sense to add the extra days on and do more than just see your grandkids?

I mean this kindly but you are doing yourself no favours (I know I've been there). The only person who can set your boundaries and maintain them is you. You probably consider everyone else's feelings first, a lot of people aren't like that. If you don't speak up who will?

I did a course in interpersonal effectiveness, a lot was on how to communicate in a way that gets your needs met. Relationships became a lot less draining after that.

If they've messaged you to say they're coming for 10 days, I would feign ignorance and say "great, which 3 days will you be visiting with us? So we can get our plans in order. There's loads to do in X so I'm sure you'll find plenty to keep you busy the rest of the time!"

Its bad behaviour but you started it by inviting them....I mean why would you do thst?

I don’t see how they are taking advantage at all. Did you really expect them to go to all the trouble of travelling to a European city for the same short visit they always do? Maybe it’s somewhere they’ve always wanted to go?

Frustrating as it may be, you don’t get to own what they do with their time and where they spend it.

I think this is a bit OTT, frankly. You'll have the best part of three weeks when they aren't there. And you don't actually know that they'll be constantly in your face when they are. If your whole holiday will be ruined by that sort of ratio, then I'm afraid I think you're a bit of a doily.

All this 'My family needs peace'. Have you recently escaped a war zone? What kind of hostilities are your in-laws bringing?

I think you need to be firm and tell them 10 days is NOT what the plan was and that then need to rectify this or you will not be seeing them at all.

Ask them which three days of their stay they want to see you, as you have a lot to pack in to your holiday and so need to know which days to leave free. Then make sure you plan nice stuff for the other days just for the three of you.

You say you don’t have the strength to set boundaries, but I’m afraid you need to. No one ever wants to with people they care about, but look where not doing so has got you. Sorry.

I voted YABU as I just cannot get my head around the fact that what was supposed to be an "escape from it all" holiday you invited the very people you are trying to escape from!

Maybe they don’t want or intend to spend all their 10 days with you, you’re just assuming. Possibly they want to spend 3 days with you and the rest sightseeing and enjoying themselves. To make travel arrangements abroad for 3 days is just ridiculous just because you don’t want them there. Imagine how hurt they’d be if they read your posts when I’m sure their intentions were good.

I think we've established that it's ridiculous for you to have invited your parents on a trip where you so desperately wanted to be alone. You seem to very resentful of them booking but they haven't gatecrashed, you invited them and you need to take responsibility for that

Given how distressed you are now about it I would probably apologise to them for inviting them and explain that you now realise you shouldn't have done this as you so need to be alone as a family and I would cover the whole cost of their booking.

Did they know and fully understand why you need space? Unless you were explicit it seems as if there has been a pattern of blurred boundaries and this is just an example. Obviously they are free to travel as they please but telling them your plans seems a bit of self sabotage. If you can't change your plans you need to make the best of it. Perhaps they could look after your dd while you and dh take time out or suddenly have plans to explore another area for a few days during their stay. Or maybe you or dd will appreciate a distraction of their visit.

Why don't you just say. I know we invited you, but we actually need to get away alone .....
Or at least ask them to cut it up a week. If they've got enough money they can book 3 other days somewhere else as a second part of the trip.

Escape from it all to a European city for a month 🤨

Why invite them in the first place.

Am I the only person who finds this incredibly sad, I’d be so upset to think my children thought of me as almost a burden for being there for my children/grandchild. My mum died 4 years ago and would give anything to have even five minutes for a coffee and a chat with her. My children have wonderful memories of holidays were mum came with us and they will cherish them forever. Stop being so harsh because someone wants to spend some time with you after you invited them.

Thank you for all of your advice - it's given me some much-needed perspective and food for thought moving forward.

Actually on rereading this, it feels to me that you have some of the characteristics you were accusing other female relative of.

It's quite controlling to try to dictate exactly how long people can go on holiday for, particularly as you did invite them. As they are older they may not relish the hurly burly of the airport these days for a mere 3 days. Just as they are not the boss of you, you are not the boss of them.

You think her husband should be given 'rules' on when he can speak to his parents? That would be controlling.

I feel for you OP, you were obviously trying to do a nice thing. Try not to tie yourself up in knots about it, perhaps as pp have said you can arrange to see them on three days. Hopefully they will want some time on their own themselves?

I was trying to think of a nice way of saying this, I’m glad someone else has managed 😂

Looking at the mess at our local airport I'd need more than 3 days to recover from check-in, passport control and boarding at the moment.

This unfortunately!