To ban talk of children in the workplace?

[Kanfuzed123]

Chatted to my friend today over coffee. She’s snr leadership at quite a big company, very successful and generally v lovely. She is struggling ttc, and the ‘wrong side of 35’ (quote is from a dr she has seen not me)

She mentioned She wanted to escalate a work issue around a few specific individuals, talking about their children. She wanted to escalate this higher and ban talk of children at work and get thr repeat offenders basically ‘told off’… not a disciplinary but getting someone more snr than her (and she’s pretty snr) to talk to them as they’ve been ‘upsetting people’ over ‘repeated insensitive comments’.

To be clear this isn’t the case of people saying ‘why don’t you have kids?’ ‘When are you having them’ because I do think there could be a conversation there. It seemed more of office chit chat like hi Bob what did you do this weekend?’ ‘Well Dave I took my kids to the aquarium’ sort of thing or you know introductory calls/ getting to know each other, ‘hi I’m Dave, 45, background in computer programming, originally from New Zealand, 2 kids both are football mad and a cocker spaniel called fluffy’ sort of thing

I’ve been through infertility myself and it’s hell, but I think to raise this issue higher and actively ban your direct reports talking of their family is not the sort of precedent to set. I actually think suggesting it to people higher up will not make her look good at all and could be a HR issue. Where does the line get drawn, can people talk about or mention their parents? Someone has probably lost a parent somewhere in the wider team etc.

I could tell she was quite worked up about it today over our coffee so I didn’t say anything about it from a ‘don’t do that’ point of view but we’re going shopping tomorrow and I do feel like I should maybe say something as when she gets sometbing in her head she does plough ahead with it and I think it doesn’t make her look too good.

am I wrong?

I don't think she'll have much luck actually achieving that... and sad though it is that she is struggling to conceive, she is being unreasonable... if they were saying ' left it a bit too late did you? that would be rude and insensitive but to expect people not to chat about their daily lives when appropriate... will just piss everyone off!

No yanbu. You can’t ban innocuous small talk in the office without coming across as a fascist dictator. Obviously it’s hard for her but she can’t dictate others private conversations.

Yanbu. She’s bonkers.

Why does your title imply you’re thinking of doing this in your workplace?

I get how she feels, we struggled ttc but banning talk about children is way too much. It's natural that people want to talk about their life outside work and some of that will involve children. How will everyone feel if they find out it's come from her?
YANBU

Oh god, she's definitely on the edge isn't she.

Sorry but you need to talk her down!

Good luck!

She’s hurting and angry but trying to impose the restriction she’s seeking is only going to reflect poorly on her.

She's going to make herself look silly.
I can't walk properly through disability. I have a colleague who is unwell and is walking to aid their condition. Should I get to ban conversations about 5k walks?

Surely this is impossible. If you asked me what I did on the weekend and I said “Went to Peppa Pig World” it’s pretty obvious I didn’t go for my own fun. Should people then lie?

I worked with a woman who did not allow me to mention my DC. Left after 3 months. I have had trouble conceiving/ losses etc so fully aware of triggers etc but people who act like how your friend is proposing to act are being very myopic.

If my workplace told me I wasn't allowed to mention my children at work, it would make me feel really weird and I would have to leave. You cannot stop people from talking about their families.
Your friend needs some counselling I think because she sounds a bit unstable making suggestions like that.

Your friend is being absurd. Her emotions over not being able to get pregnant are dramatically clouding her reasoning skills.

No you aren’t being unreasonable.

your friend is obviously very touchy on the issue but it’s taking it too far and probably someone will take a grievance against her for discriminating against women (mothers)

the MOST she could do is send out an email saying that whilst it’s lovely to see people and catch up, she’s noticed there’s a bit too much office chat in general and can people focus on work and save the chit chat until lunch

It's impossible to police everyday conversation to this extent.
Can't ask how's your mum cos someone in the room might have a dead mum.
Can't ask how's your new puppy cos someone is the room might have an old one.
Nope. Not reasonable.

Talking about your kids is one way many colleagues bond. Asking about each others, the weekend is another. She's hurting but she can't dictate what others talk about.

YANBU. Ask your friend if and when she conceives how will she feel about abiding by this rule?

It's ridiculous.

The world does not revolve around her.

I had someone at work start raising this as something she wanted to see - no one allowed to talk about children or partners because she didn't have either and it upset her. It was ridiculous, made everyone uncomfortable around her after that as you never knew what to say when she was around - she left within a few months.

You can't ban people from talking about their families / home life (which are all related).

How could you not say something, to not would be to fail her, because she's lost all sense of perspective and if she continues she will look unhinged and unprofessional,

What a bazaar thing to try and ban.
What else does she want to stop talk off, parents, grannys, goldfish? Not allowed to mention cutting the grass because Bob lives in a flat.

Nothing beyond the mundane weather?

People talk about the weather & family life because its non controversial. People tend to already avoid politics, and football already.

It sounds like she is really really struggling. Not sure what you can do other than support her and try to guide her away from what she is proposing because it could impact her job and therefore earning capacity if she were to try to press ahead with it.

I'm childless not by choice. And I think you're friend is being absolutely absurd. Of course you can't ban people talking about their children. If everyone had a ban on whatever triggered them, no one would ever be able to speak! She needs to get a grip.

Well that's just daft

I think even to suggest this might have bad consequences for her. It sounds like she’s not in her sound mind to be honest and she’s completely biased towards people with children. She needs a break, she can’t stay in a senior role with such a mess in her head.

Disclaimer: I went through 8 years of infertility and saw friends, cousins, neighbours, colleagues getting pregnant, giving birth, raising children etc etc. I avoided some people and some meet up a few times as I didn’t want to talk about me and my situation, cried at home but nothing more then that.

I would love it if it was banned as it's sooooo boring but I really can't see how this can be justified!