To ban talk of children in the workplace?

[Kanfuzed123]

Chatted to my friend today over coffee. She’s snr leadership at quite a big company, very successful and generally v lovely. She is struggling ttc, and the ‘wrong side of 35’ (quote is from a dr she has seen not me)

She mentioned She wanted to escalate a work issue around a few specific individuals, talking about their children. She wanted to escalate this higher and ban talk of children at work and get thr repeat offenders basically ‘told off’… not a disciplinary but getting someone more snr than her (and she’s pretty snr) to talk to them as they’ve been ‘upsetting people’ over ‘repeated insensitive comments’.

To be clear this isn’t the case of people saying ‘why don’t you have kids?’ ‘When are you having them’ because I do think there could be a conversation there. It seemed more of office chit chat like hi Bob what did you do this weekend?’ ‘Well Dave I took my kids to the aquarium’ sort of thing or you know introductory calls/ getting to know each other, ‘hi I’m Dave, 45, background in computer programming, originally from New Zealand, 2 kids both are football mad and a cocker spaniel called fluffy’ sort of thing

I’ve been through infertility myself and it’s hell, but I think to raise this issue higher and actively ban your direct reports talking of their family is not the sort of precedent to set. I actually think suggesting it to people higher up will not make her look good at all and could be a HR issue. Where does the line get drawn, can people talk about or mention their parents? Someone has probably lost a parent somewhere in the wider team etc.

I could tell she was quite worked up about it today over our coffee so I didn’t say anything about it from a ‘don’t do that’ point of view but we’re going shopping tomorrow and I do feel like I should maybe say something as when she gets sometbing in her head she does plough ahead with it and I think it doesn’t make her look too good.

am I wrong?

If this was my close friend, I’d be straight up honest with her and tell her she was acting batshit and would make herself look like a right silly goose. If the shoe was on the other foot I’d want someone to give me a good shake and tell me I’m being ridiculous so.

I have children! Is there anything as dull as listening to stories about other people’s kids!!

Other people's pets are boring too, as are other people's specific hobbies.

But then most staff room chat is just general chit chat and passing the day rather than intellectual invigorating conversations, so we all listen and talk about general stuff including families, home lives, social,ice, hobbies, holidays etc.

I'd imagine every single topic will be boring to at least one other person in the room. It you can't please everyone all of the time. Hence most staff rooms have a bit of talk about a wide variety and you can just dip,in and out.

Blimey, where would that end?

Do you think your friend might benefit by taking her own time to be back in the workplace?
Maybe a better approach is to ask for sensitivity for now. You can only ask.

no she shouldnt be thinking of trying to impose this , people will think shes mad , shes obviously struggling , but then so are many other women who are ttc and unless people are directly asking questions that upset her , then she cant stop people talking about their kids , at some point shes going to hear someone casually mention something they did at the weekend that involved their children . an employee might have to tell her they cant come in because their 5 year old has fallen that morning and broken their arm , i mean will that set her off as well lol , restricting any mention of kids is impossible and she wont get anywhere with it

I get that.

Good luck 😬

Of course she can’t do this but as someone struggling with infertility I wish people
were more sensitive about it. A colleague of mine kept shoving pictures of her new niece in my face the other day. Almost burst into tears.

You can’t police speech like that unless you live in some freaky authoritarian dictatorship like North Korea. She’s mad to consider it.

I too have infertility and I too know how the most casual comment can hit a nerve and cause tears but she’s just gonna have to deal with it.

She is going to lose all respect and forever be known as the batshit biter woman.

And if she never has a child?
She needs help to deal with what is happening not make it everyone else's problem

I'm up for the ban. In fact I'd be happy to extend the ban outside work as well. And remove them off tv adverts too. I know most people think that their children are the sweetest, the kindest and the most whip smart, who say the funniest things but they really aren't and don't. I know it's not possible so maybe we could make June "childfree month".

This might sound hard, but, depending on the background and the details of the friendship, I’d consider leaving her to do it and letting HR talk her down.

She sounds as though she’s been driven a bit crazy by it all, but unless you have a very good chance of talking her down, if avoid being the messenger who gets shot. Maybe work need to realise she’s in a bad place anyway?

Absolutely ridiculous, and ai say that as someone who is beyond 40 and childless not by choice, yes it's painful sometimes when people chat about their kids (especially when that's something everyone has but you) but of course it's a massive part of their lives, and I'd feel really uncomfortable if people didn't talk about them because of me, plus it's just really weird to police conversation in that way.

She’s being ridiculous. And I’m surprised someone has achieved such a senior position if she struggles to separate work and personal life and is so sensitive.

I say this as someone who spent 20+ years TTC and did it all…IUI, IVF, ICSI, and even donor eggs. She’s not the first to go through infertility. And wont be the last. It’s tough. I get it. I am still coming to full acceptance that I will be childless for the rest of my life. It’ll never happen now I’m almost 50.

What is she going to do? Throw out the TV because there might be a commercial for nappies or Fisher Price toys? Never walk down the street in case she sees a pregnant woman or a child? Would see ban office talk of parents or siblings? People lose parents and siblings in tragic circumstances and at young ages. Life isn’t fair. You just get on with it. It doesn’t all revolve around her.

If she can’t cope with people talking about taking their kids to the park, she is not strong enough to get through things like IVF. She’s going to need some mental health support before she pursues fertility treatment.

She's hurting but you can't ban people from talking about their private lives (obviously at appropriate times) at work. Should we ban mentions of husbands/wives because someone is getting divorced, how about mentioning holidays because someone can't afford one, buying houses because someone rents ... as long as conversation is aimed at her eg asking when she's having kids then she needs to be less sensitive.

Trust me, I know what it feels like for colleagues not to get my life, my dd is autistic and they couldn't understand why life was tough

If she's senior and has people reporting to her, can you imagine the chaos not being allowed to mention your children could bring? 'Sorry, I need to leave early, erm, someone I know has tonsillitis'. I mean for goodness sake, talking about children is a fact of life.

I would not try to dissuade her bc you will become the bad guy.

Let her raise it with management. If they are any good they will see it for what it is, someone who is not coping, and kindly encourage her to take a break and also to engage in therapy.

She is obviously in a dark place and as a valued employee she should be treated with kindness.

I understand the frustrations and perspectives, but it seems unlikely to be able to limit that line of discussions

The fact that she's so senior and believes she could try and get others to do her bidding and implement this is so problematic. Infertility is hard, but it doesn't give you the right to dictate anything. Does she have a bit of an ego anyway? Or is she truly on the edge and has lost it? Because if it's the latter I'd try talk her down and also talk her into taking time out of work for some therapy.

If she has an ego, let her off and deal with senior management and HR. She'll learn the hard way.

I'm not sure you should bring it up or if she does should say anything to deter her. I don't think she'll thank you & you risk alienating her & not achieving anything. If she brings this up with management hopefully someone will see she needs a break & some counselling.

Ooh yes I love this idea, in fact I can't stand most office chat. My suggestion for her is to install a loud buzzer which she can hit whenever she dislikes a topic.

I assume she does t watch tv or ever leave the house in case he sees and children.....

Do try to broach this with her. Not only is it not fair to tell people that they may not talk about their families at work, but I have a feeling that those above her may question her stability for trying to insist on this. She might even find herself demoted over it. IF I were one of her higher-ups, I would certainly be very concerned that she could be triggered by normal, day-to-day conversation.

DRAT! WE NEED AN "EDIT" FUNCTION! Should have ended with, "to the point that it interfered with her ability to manage/supervise."

Cripes! This is next level crazy!

I had my first child at 39 and my second at 42 - she still has time and I think getting wound up about colleagues talking about their DCs will only make her less relaxed and less able to conceive.

I say this because after 18 months of ttc with my first it took a month long break in Australia for me to do so.

Your poor friend is completely wound up like a coil. You need to talk her down, but I realise with her position the stakes are high.