To ban talk of children in the workplace?

[Kanfuzed123]

Chatted to my friend today over coffee. She’s snr leadership at quite a big company, very successful and generally v lovely. She is struggling ttc, and the ‘wrong side of 35’ (quote is from a dr she has seen not me)

She mentioned She wanted to escalate a work issue around a few specific individuals, talking about their children. She wanted to escalate this higher and ban talk of children at work and get thr repeat offenders basically ‘told off’… not a disciplinary but getting someone more snr than her (and she’s pretty snr) to talk to them as they’ve been ‘upsetting people’ over ‘repeated insensitive comments’.

To be clear this isn’t the case of people saying ‘why don’t you have kids?’ ‘When are you having them’ because I do think there could be a conversation there. It seemed more of office chit chat like hi Bob what did you do this weekend?’ ‘Well Dave I took my kids to the aquarium’ sort of thing or you know introductory calls/ getting to know each other, ‘hi I’m Dave, 45, background in computer programming, originally from New Zealand, 2 kids both are football mad and a cocker spaniel called fluffy’ sort of thing

I’ve been through infertility myself and it’s hell, but I think to raise this issue higher and actively ban your direct reports talking of their family is not the sort of precedent to set. I actually think suggesting it to people higher up will not make her look good at all and could be a HR issue. Where does the line get drawn, can people talk about or mention their parents? Someone has probably lost a parent somewhere in the wider team etc.

I could tell she was quite worked up about it today over our coffee so I didn’t say anything about it from a ‘don’t do that’ point of view but we’re going shopping tomorrow and I do feel like I should maybe say something as when she gets sometbing in her head she does plough ahead with it and I think it doesn’t make her look too good.

am I wrong?

Oh dear. No she can’t do that. I don’t always want to hear about colleague’s anniversaries and husbands in general as mine died in his 30s, but that’s my tough cookies.

I think as her friend, you need to find a diplomatic way to point out that she will look extremely unprofessional/raving lunatic if she goes ahead with this attempt.

It’s even more daft because she’s always telling me, they like to ‘chew that fat’ at the beginning of work calls or at team meetings and she tells them about her holidays and hubby, pets, home renovations etc- I’m sure something in there could potentially be upsetting to someone.

i think she’d probably make herself look very unprofessional to her boss too and like PP said could easily go down the grievance route and she’d be in hot water. Also it’s a terrible environment to work in, you get in trouble for mentioning your kids? You’ve got to lie about your weekend plans, what’s the consequences if you don’t? Just sounds like a dictatorship

l’ll take it up with her tomorrow, see how she reacts.

Where does the line get drawn? Can’t talk about cars because she can’t drive? Can’t talk about holidays because she has a fear of flying?

I am a mum but find talking about other people’s children tedious and dull and have to stifle yawns listening to stories about children. But of course I can’t and wouldn’t say it out loud. On one occasion when I was on maternity leave I met some work colleagues for lunch. I remember saying quite firmly that we should try to have a lunch without mentioning kids. It was met with stony silence!!!

Yanbu, I think if she's that sensitive about it she might be better off having a quiet word with the ones who do it most and saying that she's finding it upsetting and why. Yes fertility issues are nobodies business but it's the best way to make them sympathetic to it, without her explaining it everyone will think she's being unreasonably harsh. That or she will just have to put up with it I think

She is being unreasonable.

She is being irrational. But I don’t see how you saying something is going to be at all well received by her.

I think you kind of just need to let her make her bed and lie in it.

It's so ridiculous. I get it's irritating and upsetting but essentially she waited til late 30s and is now struggling to conceive. So wants mention of family banned... and of course will definitely not want to talk about her own pregnancy at the time.

She will become that bitter batshit crazy person, and everytime she walks in the room it will go quiet. Does she want pittying looks and people activity avoiding her? I think you owe it to your friend to be honest with her.

This has happened at my work. A new team member has joined who is single and has no children (she still has time to have them) and now we are not allowed to talk about children any more. Every team catch-up I now get asked "how are your parents?" My parents are quite problematic people. Think substance abuse, brushes with the law and suicide attempts. I have to talk about them every week but try not to mention my lovely children. Either that or we talk about pets because single lady has a cat and various other pets. I don't want to hear about your cat's urine sample thanks.

I think it might not be received well to say the least, I think she’s got a chip on her shoulder about the injustice of infertility (It is shit so I get that to an extent).

i feel like I do need to ground her a little bit, I’d want someone to do the same for me if I was being a muppet, especially as even if she mentions it to her boss she’s going to look awful and I mean if I was her boss, it would make me question that individuals potential to be a people manager

She sounds batshit. Kids are a huge part of peoples life, of course she can’t ask for all mention of them to be banned. I’m single and don’t see myself being able to have a partner in the future in part due to a past trauma, should I insist nobody at my workplace should talk about their partners? Everybody has fortune in different areas and everybody has different struggles, no doubt her infertility is difficult for her but she can’t censor the world just because she is going through a hard thing. It also sounds like she is happy to talk about her personal life at work which makes her sound completely hypocritical; if she was a closed book and kept her personal life entirely private and separate from work I would maybe have more sympathy for her but she can’t share every aspect of her life but then expect others not to share theirs because they have something in their life she wants but doesn’t have.

She is being unreasonable . She can’t stop people talking about thier lives outside work and it will not end well for her.

I find it painful listening to all the wedding talk in work, it’s a very small place, small canteen. My husband died 8 days after marrying in hospital last year, I never got to do the weddingy stuff so I hate having to listening to the talk.

the world doesn’t revolve round me and who am I to piss on peoples happiness! So I either go for a walk at lunch, sit in my car or put headphones in. Job done!

How did she do this @deplorabelle like flat out ban through snr management all talk of children because she found it upsetting?

I think if I was in your situation, and just to prove a point, I would request no more mention of parents because you have an unstable relationship with yours and it’s too upsetting and no more mention of pets because you have allergies/ a rented house that doesn’t allow them (or any other excuse) just to show how ridiculous that kind of censorship is.

I sympathise with her fertility struggle, it must be very difficult for her.

But she can't do this...where does it stop, can people talk about their grown up or is it just little kid talk that would be banned? What if someone's partner has died or they've had divorce do you ban chat about spouses too? Or siblings because someone is an only child.

I had a miscarriage while many of my friends were pregnant, it was a very painful time and I had to avoid some of them for a while because it was just too hard so I do understand. but you can't stop people talking about their families in the workplace.

I'm childfree by choice and I think this is bonkers. If there's too much chatting and not enough working, of course that can be addressed, but you can't ban individual, lawful, topics like that.

Tell your friend that what she is suggesting is bonkers and if she wants HR to suggest she gets counseling she is going the right way.

Point her suggestion could lead to the company breaching equality legislation and give her examples e.g. someone going on maternity leave/parental leave isn't allowed to tell colleagues they will be off for X months, someone with a child who has a graduation ceremony isn't allowed to say why they need a day off. Also point out family friendly polices enables companies to keep employees.

It may help if you gently try to guide her in her reflection. Eg if you ask her to play out how the SMT conversation would go if she were to propose this initiative, she will hopefully see for herself that it would not go well for her. Or you could sit and talk her through other approaches she could come up with to deal with such conversations eg keeping busy, distraction, grounding etc. I am sorry. It does sound like she is carrying a lot of pain here.

i think that will be really unprofessional because she’s bringing her personal life in to work. She will appear VERY controlling and dictatorial and irrational.

It is not the fault of her colleagues that she is struggling ttc. Where do you draw the line? Do you ban colleagues from talking about their husbands/wives/partners incase it upsets people who are unhappily single and struggling to meet someone.

That's ridiculous.

I was going to say this BUT do not feel you need to explain, just say you would appreciate one’s parents not being a topic of conversation.

I would bloody love not to have to listen to people talking about their kids/grandkids at work and pretend to be interested (no fertility issues, childfree by choice!) but even I can see that this is an unreasonable request!

She really needs help to deal with her feelings as she can’t go through life denying the existence of all children.

Although perhaps this is just a reflection of her domineering personality, not her fertility problems.

Me too and I have children! Is there anything as dull as listening to stories about other people’s kids!!’