To ban talk of children in the workplace?

[Kanfuzed123]

Chatted to my friend today over coffee. She’s snr leadership at quite a big company, very successful and generally v lovely. She is struggling ttc, and the ‘wrong side of 35’ (quote is from a dr she has seen not me)

She mentioned She wanted to escalate a work issue around a few specific individuals, talking about their children. She wanted to escalate this higher and ban talk of children at work and get thr repeat offenders basically ‘told off’… not a disciplinary but getting someone more snr than her (and she’s pretty snr) to talk to them as they’ve been ‘upsetting people’ over ‘repeated insensitive comments’.

To be clear this isn’t the case of people saying ‘why don’t you have kids?’ ‘When are you having them’ because I do think there could be a conversation there. It seemed more of office chit chat like hi Bob what did you do this weekend?’ ‘Well Dave I took my kids to the aquarium’ sort of thing or you know introductory calls/ getting to know each other, ‘hi I’m Dave, 45, background in computer programming, originally from New Zealand, 2 kids both are football mad and a cocker spaniel called fluffy’ sort of thing

I’ve been through infertility myself and it’s hell, but I think to raise this issue higher and actively ban your direct reports talking of their family is not the sort of precedent to set. I actually think suggesting it to people higher up will not make her look good at all and could be a HR issue. Where does the line get drawn, can people talk about or mention their parents? Someone has probably lost a parent somewhere in the wider team etc.

I could tell she was quite worked up about it today over our coffee so I didn’t say anything about it from a ‘don’t do that’ point of view but we’re going shopping tomorrow and I do feel like I should maybe say something as when she gets sometbing in her head she does plough ahead with it and I think it doesn’t make her look too good.

am I wrong?

If she does have children herself, will the ban be upheld or relaxed at that point? Either no one is ever allowed to mention any of their personal circumstances or relationships, ever again … or she unclenches. She’s being ridiculous. Which doesn’t mean that I don’t have any compassion for her difficulties and her feelings.

"It seemed more office chit chat". So has she actually said that it's just chit chat about children that she wants banned or are you just assuming that it's general chat about kids that she wants banned? I don't think management would be able to enforce this.

I never mention my children at work and I would rather not hear endless tales about my colleagues children either!

She was referencing a specific wider team conversation that’s super outing so won’t say more than that but here it was pure chit chat, several people mentioned they had children, one had one of those uncanny numbers (2 under 2, 3 under 3/ 4 under 4 ) and had just returned from pat leave/ holiday (I’m vaguing it up here). That person ‘sounded if they were showing off’.

there’s apparently a specific subset of people below that always talk about their kids in the start of the week catch up. She’s got it out for them a bit. But as far as I can tell from what she’s said it’s in response to ‘how was your weekend’ and given how wound up she is about it I do think she’d have said if anyone said anything insensitive like ‘oh no kids xyz better get on that’ or something on those lines.

^ she’s said she wants to have a word with her manager to stop people mentioning their kids at work, in meetings, catch ups and on calls especially

That’s my gut feeling too, that it’s really problematic that she thinks it’s ok to think she can police what’s being said in that awkward 5 minute waiting for everyone to join a meeting silence killer small talk conversation.

also given her disdain for a small group Im wondering if it’s going to inadvertently lead to targeting them in some capacity as they are the core offenders apparently.

id say definitely a bit of an ego now that you mention it, not generally but often in relation to other people, maybe more of a chip on the shoulder. Can’t really describe it.

i think realistically she could benefit from some counselling on this

Absolutely batshit mental! Who on earth does she think she is?

Somehow I feel sure that this woman’s child will be the most perfect PFB to have ever been born, and none of her colleagues will ever hear the end of their brilliance

there’s apparently a specific subset of people below that always talk about their kids in the start of the week catch up

So she has a specific issue with the new mums? Let me guess, no issue with the dads?

She needs to be really careful she doesn’t end up with them complaining about maternity discrimination. It could easily look like she is bullying them for being part time/having childcare commitments.

Even the weather is fraught, what with strong opinions on climate change...

Wow @deplorabelle I think I wish you could bring yourself to say ‘well they haven’t tried to commit suicide this week so it’s a good week but really talking about my parents is very upsetting and stressful and I’d much rather talk about my kids, tell me again why I have to go through this difficult conversation topic because kids upset some people?’ Have you considered talking to hr and saying the emotional upset is impacting your health?

Well, she's trying to bully those with children isn't she really. She knows that if she tries to implement a ban on talking about children she'll be accused of discrimination/bullying , so she's trying to get someone higher than her to do it for her. She sounds awful.

Her career progression will be jeaopardised if she even suggests this. The execs will quite rightly think she hasn’t got what it takes to be at the top, either in resilience or understanding and support of others. You’d be doing her a favour to mention it to her. Perhaps suggest she just think about it objectively- it’s not an acceptable work place constraint given the emphasis on ‘bring your whole self to work’ and the pressure on senior leadership to foster an environment of psychological safety for employees.

Being a parent is about selflessness and putting anothers needs before your self - sacrificing everything even when you have nothing left

If I'm being honest that doesn't sound like your friend even possesses these qualities

She sounds awful and I myself suffered years of infertility and many many losses. I'd never have been so presumptuous or arrogant to have insisted no one else talk about their children

She needs grief counselling to get some coping mechanisms in place. I find people talking about their children to be rather dull but it's like any small talk, it's often just to be sociable so we must endure.

Your colleague is a narcissist and a bully.

Someone needs to tell her to get a grip.

As she is senior not sure how it would be avoided- i last week requested a specific shift off for ds's appointment, another member staff off Dc in hispital.

Tbh a lot of our staffs children are teens and our conversations are more likely to put you off having kids.🤣

What next, no talk of food if you are on a diet?

She is being utterly ridiculous and you should tell her so OP.

My manager is in her mid 40s, single and childless not through choice. When chatting all together we do try to limit talk about our DC (cos she just sits in a stony silence) however being able to talk about DC at work is a lifeline for many of us.

One colleague recently had a baby and has really appreciated our tips and reassurance. I have just been through both my DC being diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia- support from my colleagues has been invaluable. Especially when DS1 has been in crisis and tried to jump out of the window...

Several of us have dual-nationality/ bilingual DC (the nature of our work means that is far more common at work than where we live) and sharing experiences has been interesting and useful.

Following the dianosis of my 2nd DC I've had to ask for flexible hours for his various appointments. Obviously this meant a discussion about DC with my mamager. Fortunately she was lovely and understanding (which is not always the case with her - you never know how she'll react which is very stressful)

She sounds like she's have a breakdown to me- thats a ridiculous thing to want to "ban". Good grief. I presume she is also willing to police her own topics of conversation then if its painful to others?- eg if someone lost a parent, I presume she will commit to never mentioning her parents?

No she is being ridiculous. If we banned talk about every subject that hurt us for whatever reason, nobody would ever speak.

Absolute madness.

I sincerely hope you don’t tell people IRL who are struggling to conceive that all they need to do is relax and book a holiday.

She needs to get a grip. People have children and of course they want to talk about them at work. What would be next? That people who cannot afford to buy a flat could stop flat owners talking about their first flat purchase or cars or the they have a dog (if the other person does not have a flat allowing dogs)? Or the lovely dress you bought (that the rather larger colleague could never fit into so is upset you talked about your dress)?

TTC for 4+ years really damaged my mental health. I remember asking when couples got married if I heard they were expecting so I could decide if they 'deserved' it. I'm really still quite broken by it all.

However with hindsight I can see that it was a 'me' problem and not a 'them' problem. No one was goading me, perhaps some were unwise with words but my infertility is not their problem. And literally everyone has crappy stuff going onnbehind closed doors. If infertility is making her feel like this she should consider accessing some support.

Professionally this is a poor move. I feel she's opening herself up to potential bullying/grievances/constructive dismissal if she as a manager puts these policies in place. How approachable/supportive would she be if someone called in with a pregnant related illness compared to someone with any other call? If she's leading the call and cba with kiddie chat then just start it with 'Good morning everyone, don't want you stuck on the call for longer than we have to so let's get cracking on point 1'