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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull DD out of residential trip?

226 replies

Irishshamrock · 07/05/2022 11:47

Year 5 and off on 3 night PGL next week
Kids have been told for months they will find out what room they are in the Friday before they head off - yesterday!
Kids came out, some in tears as teacher has now decided to tell them on arriving at the hotel instead
DD up all night worrying as she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend.
Without being in a room with this friend she never would have agreed to go but at parents evening I was assured she would be unless any falling out etc - there hasn’t been!
How can I confidently send her when I don’t know for sure?
WWYD?

OP posts:
underneaththeash · 07/05/2022 11:50

She'll be fine. You're being ridiculous.

Bundlesofchocforme · 07/05/2022 11:51

I wouldn’t pull her out but I would reassure her that you will speak to the teacher and ask for them to know sooner. It’s tricky because her friend may have been requested by other children/parents too and it’s balancing all of their needs.

Original poster
Irishshamrock · 07/05/2022 11:52

You don’t think this is massively unreasonable to tell children for weeks and weeks they are finding out the Friday before leaving and then on the Friday afternoon decide not to and tell them on arrival instead?
My DD will not make a fuss so will just cry silently and have a terrible 4 days - I wish she was the type to kick off as at least they would ring me and tell me to collect her!

OP posts:
Original poster
Irishshamrock · 07/05/2022 11:53

I spoke with teacher at pick up and she said she can’t tell anyone as it’s not fair on others etc
So no way at all of knowing before Monday - and the trip is Monday!

OP posts:
Topseyt123 · 07/05/2022 11:53

Speak to her teacher before making any decisions.

Mama1980 · 07/05/2022 11:54

Did you tell the teacher you were considering pulling her out?

LIZS · 07/05/2022 11:55

It is not good for managing expectations but it may be that there are things beyond their control, like knowing how many rooms/beds in each room, which has delayed it. Wouldn't pull her out for this though, just reassure her it will work out. Never a good idea to make a decision based on a single friend though.

Clymene · 07/05/2022 11:55

What earthly reason do you think the teachers would have in putting children in rooms with other children they don't like? Confused

VainAbigail · 07/05/2022 11:56

Why couldn’t the teacher tell them Friday? What was physically stopping her?

HSKAT · 07/05/2022 11:58

I don't understand why they couldn't tell them Friday? Like what's so hard?

I wouldn't pull her out though

BodGaoithe · 07/05/2022 12:00

The teacher probably hasn’t had time to pair up all the students yet and is planning on sorting it over the weekend.

Original poster
Irishshamrock · 07/05/2022 12:01

It’s not about it not being a good idea basing it all on one friend
Sadly for my DD she is in a boy heavy class and the other girls are very loud and bolshy in comparison to her
Shes a real introvert and no amount of play dates etc has changed that - I’ve tried for 5 years!
I made it very clear she may not be able to go and the teacher asked me to reassure her it would be fine - but equally refused to confirm anything.
They know full well how many rooms etc,
another year group ( year 6 ) just came back 2 weeks ago.
rooms of 2 and 4
My DD wouldn’t expect to be in a room of 2 with her best friend - a room of 4 is fine as long as the best friend is in it!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Irishshamrock · 07/05/2022 12:02

Hasn’t had time?
Then don’t tell them for weeks even uo until Thursday that they would be finding out the following day!
i think it’s so cruel for certain children where change is a real struggle for them

OP posts:
reluctantbrit · 07/05/2022 12:03

Our school didn't tell them until they arrived, the last thing the teacher want are parents talking at the weekend and quitely re-arranging plans causing huge issues. It did happens, hence they are now not telling anyone.

It is not fair to hype the expectations and then doing a 180 but I wouldn't pull my child out for this.

Teachers do know how to deal with the shy ones. They don't want children crying each night and being homesick. I would trust the school knowing what they are doing, it is most likely not their first rodeo.

Testina · 07/05/2022 12:05

It’s normal to tell them on arrival, due to last minute friendship issues and parents fussing. It’s not good to change it from Friday to arrival though.

it sounds to me like the teacher knows she’s with her friend but won’t confirm it as it opens floodgates for other parents moaning 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you do your daughter a disservice pulling her out. Worst case, go and collect her.

andweallsingalong · 07/05/2022 12:05

I would take that as a nod that she's definitely in with her BF and reassure her.

DD recently went on her residential (similarly worried) and they didn't tell the kids until they arrived and I'm glad. Was with her BF, but in a bigger room than she wanted so would have worried and been even more nervous before going.

Whaleandsnail6 · 07/05/2022 12:05

I feel really sorry for teachers in this situation... They can't win sometimes. I remember when my eldest class went on residential, there was a massive falling out between the majority of the girls in the class as each person could secretly put one child they wanted to share with. This ended up being discussed between this group of girls and ended in tears and falling outs because so and so didn't put so and so, one person hadn't been put by anyone, some parents went into the school cos their child was so upset they might not be with a certain person. It must be a logistical nightmare. During this year, the teacher ended up saying they would allocate when they got there.

Cauliflowersqueeze · 07/05/2022 12:07

Rooming is a bloody nightmare. If you tell them a lot in advance they have made new friends etc. If you tell them just before then they panic and want to swap and it gets ridiculous. It’s 3 nights. Assure her it will all be fine and let her have a nice time. Trips like these are often the making of kids - they make new friends and learn to be a tiny bit more independent. Tell her you have every faith that it will be great.

EvilPea · 07/05/2022 12:07

Trust the school. i know it’s hard as you’ll have no contact. Ours did the same, there’s a reason they do it that way or it ends up with days of complaints etc. they want the kids to have a good time.

olympicsrock · 07/05/2022 12:07

You have your answer. Teacher knows her needs and has told you to reassure her it will be fine . They have quietly told you but not in so many words that she will be with her friend.
you now need to reassure DD.

GreenClock · 07/05/2022 12:08

I admire teachers. They need the patience of saints to deal with all the social politics as well as trying to teach.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 07/05/2022 12:09

It must be a nightmare for teachers to make sure everyone is happy.

Please don't pull your DD out over something so silly.

Testina · 07/05/2022 12:10

I’ve been on the receiving end of parents, for a Brownies PGL weekend. Quite a few of them, and just awful. My own child got moved away from all her friends to accommodate a girl whose mother swore at one of the volunteers because they day before Emily had fallen out with Lucy, so Emily had to be in with my child’s room. So mine got moved (with a good grace from us both) to a room away from her friends. Then surprise surprise, Emily and Lucy were thick as thieves all weekend 🙄

Trust the teachers, they know what they’re doing.

YarnHoarder · 07/05/2022 12:10

As a child I was very like your daughter, I liked to know and be able to plan ahead (complete introvert) and setting up those expectations was unfair. It is likely they have a good reason for not following through though, like others have said, it's not finalised yet, they know the allocations will upset people so trying to avoid multiple parents complaining, there's some behind the scenes problems etc.

However my mum wouldn't have given me the option to pull out unless I was ill. It will help her in the long run, she won't be spending large amounts of times in the room so will still be with friend majority of the time. She'll likely be so tired each night there won't be much keeping her awake. She'll have fun despite the room allocations and I suspect the teacher will try and do the best by their students where possible.

DillyDilly · 07/05/2022 12:10

Hasn’t the teacher basically said to you that she can’t confirm it but to reassure your daughter that it will be fine - would you not take from it that she will be in the same room as her friend ?

I wouldn’t pull your daughter from the trip but would be re-assuring her that it will be fun, whoever she shares with. It might be a good thing for her to get to know the ‘bolshy’ girls a little better and perhaps see a different side to them. If she ends up in a twin room with a ‘bolshy’ girl, the girls will get on fine, despite their different personalities simply because there will just be the two of them.

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