to pull DD out of residential trip?

[Irishshamrock]

Year 5 and off on 3 night PGL next week
Kids have been told for months they will find out what room they are in the Friday before they head off - yesterday!
Kids came out, some in tears as teacher has now decided to tell them on arriving at the hotel instead
DD up all night worrying as she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend.
Without being in a room with this friend she never would have agreed to go but at parents evening I was assured she would be unless any falling out etc - there hasn’t been!
How can I confidently send her when I don’t know for sure?
WWYD?

I've been the teacher in charge of pairing up Y6 girls for residential bedrooms and it's a nightmare. The boys are usually fine! They honestly don't spend much time in their rooms, it's just to go to sleep and we were super strict about going to sleep/not talking all night. I've spent hours sitting on corridor floors outside bedrooms going "Sssshhhh!" And thinking how if I hadn't volunteered for this I could have been having an evening at home instead of sitting on a corridor floor!

(I did enjoy residentials, just not being woken at 5 on the first morning by noisy children outside my door - after that they get tired and sleep later!)

One year I sorted out in advance who the girls were sharing with. All had happily got into pairs except two. One was a nice sensible girl with no close friend, one was Drama Queen Girl (DQG liked to be the centre of attention, was outraged none of the other girls had picked her first). The girl down to share with DQG was very mature (Sensible Mature Girl = SMG!!) and said it was fine with her. DQG's mother (a professional actress btw) was straight on the phone to me kicking off. She actually said to me "My daughter doesn't want to share with SMG because she thinks she smells!!!" (She did not)

After getting no joy from me, (I was polite enough not to say "No one else wants to share with DQG!") DQG's mother went to the headteacher and, after being told that no, DQG could not have a single room as there weren't any, asked if DQG could sleep on a mattress in the corridor to avoid sharing with SMG. She did not get any sympathy from Head.

After much more kerfuffle we all went on the trip and DQG shared a room with SMG and they were fine. (I kept an eye to make sure DQG was not bitchy to SMG).

DQG did seek attention by having a "sprained ankle" during trip but this magically recovered when she realised she wouldn't be able to go on the zip wire with a "sprained ankle".

Both my DDs did primary residentials. I allowed zero drama about room sharing. OP, please chill out and stop fuelling your child's anxiety and creating drama where there doesn't need to be any.

I think school have been cruel carrying on saying they’d know then changing their minds.

mu boys wouldn’t care, y dd wouldn’t manage that at all and wouldn’t go.

Kindly, you are not doing right by your child if you don’t teach her to be resilient.

Exactly! It’s a thankless task.

You're doing her no favours at all .

Don't tell her that her friend will definitely be with her. Tell her that even if she isn't then she'll cope.

I know she's young, but becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable is a really useful life skill.

Chill - although I know that's easier said than done.

DS wasnt told until they arrive. He was with his best friend in everything. The teacher isnt going to make it harder for them.

But it is fairly common not to do it because of the fall out from parents

I am certain she will be with her. REassure her she will be fine and send

Are you allowed to wave off because we were and DS and his best friend came out together and he gave a thumbs up and was fine

It is three nights. Help her to put it into perspective- she won’t spend much time in her room and it is only three nights. You are not helping her to become more resilient by behaving like this and talking about pulling her out at the last minute . I feel sorry for the teachers - it is a wonder they can find anyone willing to run trips like this !

I really really think you should take a deep breath and consider how your reactions impact on your child. It's actually really detrimental not to make them face disappointment and nerve wracking things. I say this as someone who suffers anxiety - avoidance fuels and validates worries. Confrontation of the worries weakens them.

The odds are she’ll be with her friend, the school has nothing to gain by separating them.

If she doesn’t go her poor friend won’t have her best friend there at all - that’s not kind.

YABU

The reason the teacher isn’t telling anyone is it’s meant to be a way to team build and make friends.

If your DD and her friend are in the same room they’ll pair up and be talking about it for weeks about how excited they are and what they’re going to do together - great!

BUT there’ll be a few kids who don’t have any friends and have to hear about how the solid friendship groups are doing this and that together and they’ll have to choose between not going and missing out or going but being alone the entire time.

There will also be many people moaning because they want to be in a room with X and Y which may not be possible and will be unfair to others who also want to be with them.

They may also not know exactly how many beds are in each room so have an idea who’s in where but don’t want to promise anything.

I get your DD wanting to be with her friend and how nerve racking it is - but she’s in the same position at the 30 other students.

Please let me explain that I am actually the polar opposite to DD
it certainly isn’t my nervous energy!
i had had to really adjust to her - there are possibly Aspergers going on but it’s masked so well
ANY change is a massive deal, so the fact she was told she would know on the Friday and now doesn’t know is enough to upset her entire weekend
ill do all I can to encourage her, I asked on here for other persepectives as she’s only got a much older step DD who again would think nothing of this when younger

Yes! Actually you haven't mentioned the well being of her best friend at all - it's a LOT of pressure to put on them.

they spend very little time in their rooms on class trips.
basically just go there to sleep.

I think you are overthinking it.

let your dd go.
she will have a blast.

When my DD had her year 5 trip it was the first time she’d ever stayed away from home so it was very nerve wracking.

They put them in groups with people they got on with as well as people they don’t and she had the best time ever and made really strong friendship groups from it.

Remember that your DDs friend may not go to the same secondary school so she has to learn how to make new friends.

Her friend will be there and she’ll see her every day but they might not be in the exact same room.

I mean this kindly but it would not even cross my mind to pull her out of the trip.

You know your DD. If you think she'll hate it, then pull her out. She's 9. It's not going to have a massive impact on her development that she didn't go on a school trip. Also, due to lockdown, a residential is a different ask from pre-lockdown.
Fwiw our DCs' school used to tell DCs their rooms before they went away. It's not impossible and it's wrong of the school to tell the DCs they'll be given the information and then not do it. If the school struggle with schedules and managing parents, then they should have said from the beginning that the DCs wouldn't find out until they arrived.

They usually try pair them with friends.

I wouldn't pull her out though I wouldn't appreciate the teacher doing this as it adds to the stress for anxious DC.

I think the best thing is to try and help your DD to try and make the best of things as they pan out rather than try to control things so that they are the way you/she would like them.

It is much easier to live life if you go through it feeling that whatever happens, or "whoever I am in the room with", I can make something of it, and even if I hate it, it's temporary. This means you are resilient and you don't go through life anxious in the face of the many things we can't control.

But if you let her learn the lesson that if you can't control something you shouldn't do it because it will be a kind of disaster "if you are in the wrong room!" - then you are really increasing anxiety, as we are subject to so many things we can't control.

If I were you I would be saying to her, "this is the way teachers are doing it, they are the ones running the trip who have the job of organising it, this is the way they think is best, and this is the way we have to fit in with. You will probably be with your BF, but even if you're not, it's fine, you won't die, and you will be OK and even if it is not what you would ideally like, you will be home again soon, its not forever".

I think PP have mostly covered my thoughts. The thing is even if you were told she was sharing with her friend, there is still a chance the friend could be ill and miss the trip so you just need to prepare her for situations out of her control

Yeah it will be to prevent the parents asking for changes. Happened continually in DS1's class as they were all trying to avoid a particular child. Am sure it did the teachers heads in.

Flashbacks to a guides trip where we didn’t know what rooms allocated until checked in (part of massive group didn’t know if getting 4 to a room, 3 etc) All afternoon - will I be with x and y. I don’t know because I don’t know what rooms allocated and repeat. As soon as we knew we put them with their friends and advised parents as I think it was a worry in run ups to trip. I can see why not tell in advance as you can’t guarantee you’ll get rooms eg if you’ve put them 4 to a room and there’s been a leak so you get different block and that block sleeps 3 a room it leads to you promised etc.

What about? That she didn't get a part or that they should have left her wondering over the holidays? You are the reason many teachers refuse to organise plays and concerts.

OP, there may be genuine reasons why they couldn't tell the children on Friday. If a parent raised a genuine grievance or the provider made an essential last-minute change, for example.

Most likely, telling the other class in advance, the ones who went recently, unleashed a deluge of parental complaints and they are trying to avoid the same thing happening.

I think you have to trust the teacher to have the children's best interests at heart and agree with the pp who advised modelling resilience. She will be looking at your response to see how worried she should be. I hope she has a lovely time though.

It’s hard when they’re this young and it wasn’t helpful for the staff to change the goal posts at the last minute but it’s also good to learn resilience and it’s only for a few days and the daytime will be full of amazing activities to take her mind off the room situation if not perfect

The teachers though will know them all well and am sure they’re aware of which children will cope better than others and they know of your concerns so am sure it will be fine.

The skills learnt from going in growing more independence and learning to challenge themselves in going out of their comfort zones is invaluable.

My eldest I remember being quite anxious about who she would share with on residential but I think resilience is one of the best skills to teach as with that, you can cope with anything life throws at you.

She’s now about to go to the States to uni there for a year and has to share a room and be assigned a dorm mate. We’re not wealthy and I cannot afford to go and help her settle in so she’s totally on her own off to a strange country to live in a room with a stranger and she’s anxious but also really excited and has the attitude that even if the room has mould and cockroaches (we read the reviews) and her dorm mate isn’t great, it’s all part of the experience where there will be good bits and bad bits but you learn to find in the bad and make the most of whatever is thrown at you.

I think it’s probably the best thing I was taught - to laugh at myself and find humour in terrible circumstances. I follow a Ukrainian teen the same age as my daughter who made TikTok’s finding humour in her bomb shelter and went viral and has raised thousands for her home town as a result.

It all starts on teaching your daughter now how to find the best whatever the circumstances and how to deal with her anxiety. Encourage her to focus on what happens in the days which she will enjoy. Explain to her that she’ll see her friends in the day and they’ll spend little time in their rooms and will be asleep for most of that time. You can hear her anxiety and make sure she feels listened to and supported in that you’ve spoken to her teachers but then also teach her the coping skills she can use if she doesn’t get her sharing choice. X