to pull DD out of residential trip?

[Irishshamrock]

Year 5 and off on 3 night PGL next week
Kids have been told for months they will find out what room they are in the Friday before they head off - yesterday!
Kids came out, some in tears as teacher has now decided to tell them on arriving at the hotel instead
DD up all night worrying as she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend.
Without being in a room with this friend she never would have agreed to go but at parents evening I was assured she would be unless any falling out etc - there hasn’t been!
How can I confidently send her when I don’t know for sure?
WWYD?

The trouble with telling people the allocations on the Friday (as they have probably just realised due to an onslaught of emails) that parents will kick off even more if they know Jessica isn't in with Rachel and Felix has been put in with Jamie and they decided they weren't best friends during Friday break because he passed the ball to Jack and Olivia said that this was because Milee said that Ellie's been whispering to Tom whilst looking at Jessica and...and...and....

Oh course, if the actual reason is that they've already been emailed by your DD's best friend's, Mia's, Rebecca's and Grace's mum that they do not want to be in with Shamrock Jr, they're hardly going to encourage a situation where somebody starts complaining about their daughter being put in with yours right in front of you as you're waiting for the coach to load up - or tell you that's why if it is the case. Especially with the Jessica-Rachel-Felix-Jamie-Jack-Olivia-Tom dynamic going on as well (and all the other 'They were best friends a whole month ago, they don't want to share now' complaints).

It's up to you whether you accept that it would be a very bad idea to facilitate an early morning hate fest or withdraw her from the trip.

Do you really think the teachers are going to go out of their way to make your daughter miserable?

If they tell you what the sleeping arrangements are, they have to tell everyone and that causes a whole load of drama - people wanting to swap, friendship groups of 3 or 5 unhappy because they're split up in a way that means one person is left out etc etc.

Teachers want to make their lives as easy as possible, not harder!

Sounds like you have a few parents in the year group who will phone up and make demands for their child to be moved. Our classes didn’t find out until they arrived, we did assure them all that they would have at least one person they wanted to be with. All best friends were paired up and children without a best friend were with the pair they were closest to. I’m sure the teachers won’t want upset kids at bedtime as it just makes it harder on everyone.

Try to reassure your DD that she’ll be okay. I’ve had children in my class that were scared of staying away from home as they’d never done it before. There were tears at bedtime so we had a chat and their friends were amazing at helping them feel better too, lending soft toys and sharing the positives of staying.

It’s okay for your DD to feel nervous and even to get a little upset whilst away, but being able to get through it with the support of those around her will help her see she can do it. If the teacher knows this I’d hope they have put her with her friend. Just mention it again on Monday morning to the teacher. This will be a test for you too, letting her go away and worrying about her. Pulling DD out means you both avoid the worry and it’ll be even harder next time. As much as you want to wrap her up and protect her, a residential can be a safe space to come to terms with giving her a little more independence and a chance to overcome some things that worry her.

This sounds like the teachers way of telling you she’s with her best friend without risking other parents complaining that some people have been told.

The reason they don’t tell them until they get there is because the students end up complaining about who they’re with/not with, then the teachers have those issues to deal with and keeping a class full of students happy for 4 days. It may not be ideal for your DD but they can’t suit every child/parent, it also isn’t a bad thing her being out of her comfort zone.

My dd9 is off on an adventure residential with school next week too. They allocate rooms on arrival and activity groups too. Dd has two good friends. One is a boy so won’t be in her dorm. I hope she gets in a large dorm with lots of other girls as I honestly believe this trip will help her mix with more kids- rather than just those two friends ( as a trio there are frequent callings out) and hope it will lead to new friendships too. She’ll be fine. And it’s all paid for. She’s going- even though I feel a tiny bit nervous for her! Your dd will be ok.

As a child of an anxious mother who also has anxiety -don't make this a big thing.

My mother moddycoddled me as a child and it has not helped me as an adult. She also openly showed her anxiety which made me believe the issue was a big one after all.

Send her.
Reassure her that the teachers will have put a lot of thought into this.
They will spend most of their time not in their rooms anyway.
We do this with Guides residentials because there's so much silliness about room sharing otherwise. The younger girls are only allowed to go into their rooms/tents at bedtime to stop any cliquey behaviour.

You are exactly the sort of parent that causes this last minute communication.

Had the kids been told on Friday, this weekend would have had half the kids and half the parents complaining about who their child had been put with. Ice experienced it both as a teacher and as a parent trying to stop fellow parents trying to get hold of the teacher's phone number to get the room allocation changed (really!)

It was a mistake to tell the kids they'd know on Friday. I'm guessing the teacher hadn't run one of these trips before, and a more experienced one has put her right.

Anyway, calm down. The teacher has basically told you that your DD will be with her friend, but obviously she can't say it straight out. You are completely over reacting, and I can see where your DD gets her anxiety from. You should be filling her with confidence that she can cope with whatever happens, not encouraging her to think that it would be so terrible that she shouldn't go.

The unreasonableness to me is not saying right at the outset that rooms will be allocated on arrival. I'm inclined to think that would have been the best option, to avoid a weekend of discussions and negotiations, and demanding parents. I expect there are in your DDs school some parents who are just unreasonable or even rude/aggressive towards teachers (or entitled, feel they are somehow more special than others etc).

I think your DD should go, but after coming back, you should contact the Head Teacher to voice your opinion about the change from Friday to on arrival. At least spare others from this next year and beyond.

So sorry to read this, sometimes teachers just don't get it. My daughter auditioned for the school play, and late on the Friday afternoon before half term, found out only she and a friend hadn't got in. Her social circle was all of the drama group who she'd be seeing over the school holidays. I made a big fuss with the HOD.

My DS once went on a residential (not school) where they were asked which other kids they knew and wanted to share with. DS and his friend - they adored each other but weren't at the same school so only really saw each other on these types of things - duly sent each other's names in. Organisers surprised all kids on arrival with sharing rooms with total strangers - they'd used the names sent in to deliberately avoid kids sharing with other kids they knew. They wanted to "mix things up". So fucking deceitful.

It was about 8 years ago and I'm still angry with them.

In your shoes I'd give DD the facts and a choice. Fact is she wont know until she gets there. Does she want to go or not?

The teachers should have told the children on Friday if that's what they had said they were doing. I can see why they have delayed until Monday though if parents are likely to wade in.

Send your daughter as planned.

She is going to have a great time and have a great experience.

I expect she'll be with her friend but even if she isn't she will still be fine. She can just go to sleep in her room. All the exciting stuff is during the day doing the activities.

In the nicest way OP you are babying her and you need to let go a bit. Let her experience new things and perhaps she will even make some other friends through the shared activities.

I always feel so sorry for children that miss school trips or residential because of the parents insecurities.

Given what other parents seem to be like, I’d allocate rooms on arrival too if I were a school.

It would be better to focus on all the positives of the trip and how it doesn’t really matter who you share with. They’ll be very busy and only really in their rooms for sleeping. Emphasise how unimportant the room allocations are rather than making it the lynchpin of the entire trip.

I hope you’ve kept you’re anxiety about this from your DD.

you need to spend the weekend bigging this up and telling her what a fabulous time she’s going to have, how you enjoyed school trips and ended up making new friends etc.

I remember when my DCs moved to secondary school, we were on the edge of catchment for the school most people wanted, the other choice wasn’t great.

I knew it was likely my DDs would get the ‘wrong’ one so we did our best not to slag it off, kept positive etc. Our neighbour was in tears about it all, spent months telling her DD what an awful place it was and when they did all get place at that school her DD really didn’t cope well at all.

so it’s a long winded way of saying it’s our job to manage expectations with this sort of thing.

Ours did this. They did their very best to plan it so kids would be happy, but if they'd told everyone before they'd be inundated with people demanding their child be moved, which would then make another child unhappy. Your dd will probably be fine, but if she's not ask her to speak to the teacher at the time

What about her one friend. What if they are in a room together and you pull your dd out, leaving friend on her own. Just tell your dd what the teacher said. It will be fine. It's only the first night they are up late, after that they're all knackered anyway. They will do activities as a group.

Maybe see if you can access some Counselling for your daughter

read about self regulation and what children need to be exposed to to develop emotional resilience

YABU she will be fine

This was my thought too. Either the friend will be left alone, and likely upset, or she'll be squeezed in with some of the other girls and will probably have a great week with them. Either way I imagine it could end up impacting on your DDs friendship

YABU. She’s very unlikely to spend four days being miserable if she happens to not be in a room with her best friend. They’ll all have such fun and the format tends to be working in groups and then groups working together etc so she’ll likely be mixing with everyone all the time.
She def will be miserable, however, if she’s at home by herself while all her class is away having a great time.

YAB massively U on the following levels:

1. fuelling your child’s anxieties instead of showing calm rationality
2. implying the teachers are being unreasonable/cruel when in fact they are going to spend all next week away from their own families and homes caring for your child and the others

I think you have to model resilience here. Assume the teacher will put her with her friend and if not it might not be as bad as she thinks. In my school the ones who don’t let their children go on a residential usually have the children who most need it!

For all you know - another child has pulled out/decided to go which has thrown out their room allocations. Or that they have realised it's a nightmare because they will not be able to accommodate every child's request.

The best thing you can do is reassure your daughter and tell her that her teachers will really want her to have a good time. And how proud you are of her for being brave.

And please don't call other children bolshy. Outgoing children aren't aggressive, they're just a bit more confident.