to pull DD out of residential trip?

[Irishshamrock]

Year 5 and off on 3 night PGL next week
Kids have been told for months they will find out what room they are in the Friday before they head off - yesterday!
Kids came out, some in tears as teacher has now decided to tell them on arriving at the hotel instead
DD up all night worrying as she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend.
Without being in a room with this friend she never would have agreed to go but at parents evening I was assured she would be unless any falling out etc - there hasn’t been!
How can I confidently send her when I don’t know for sure?
WWYD?

I'm assuming they weren't picked because they weren't good enough? Unfortunately, that's life.

When I worked in a primary school we would tell them on the coach otherwise there was no stop moaning and moaning. They end up making friends with people they wouldn't have otherwise and actually they only spend a tiny amount of time in the rooms. She'll be fine.

As someone who has taken Brownies to PGL many times, it's much easier to present the list of rooms when you arrive, as a fait accompli. That way the kids just get on with it, and there are no parents to interfere.
Trust me, after a day at PGL your DD won't give a hoot who she shares with. She'll be asleep as soon as her head touches the pillow (if not before!).

I really don't see how OP can "reassure her daughter that it will be OK", i.e. she will be sharing with her friend, when she doesn't know for sure. Imagine the fall-out if it turns out that, for some reason, she isn't.
If she says "I'm sure it'll be fine", her daughter is guaranteed to say "But how do you know?" and the OP will have to admit that she doesn't know 100% and that won't stop the worrying at all.

No wonder your daughter is anxious, when you're overreacting to such a ludicrous level. As a pp said, it's parents like you, who make such a massive deal out of things, that make it so difficult for teachers.
Surely the sensible thing to do would be to encourage resilience and confidence in your daughter by reassuring her that it will be fine whoever she's placed with. Instead, you're pouring petrol on her anxieties and ratcheting up the stress levels. Ffs.

YABVU, and parents like you are exactly why the teachers shouldn’t announce in advance!

@Hadjab come on, 2 kids not getting in out of everyone is a joke. Make them a tree or something but don't leave them out completely. How will they improve with no options.

I'm really sorry, but why is that an issue?

@Salome61 In the kindest way, there comes a time when children have to appreciate they can't be good at everything.
Inclusive schools usually have a chorus which anyone is welcome to join so everyone has a part. But they don't have to.
Teachers don't deliberately set out to upset children. They try to make the best decisions they can, within the constraints given.

They don't tell anyone until they get there because they don't want to deal with a torrent of requests and complaints on their weekend, in their own family time, before they take your children away.

Speaking from bitter experience.

You do realise these teachers will spend the trip being on duty 24 hours a day with no extra pay? They are sacrificing their sleep, family time, hobbies etc. to run this trip.

Why on earth would they do anything that would make that time even more difficult For themselves?

You need to trust them when they say it will be okay. Or, withdraw your child so they have one less to deal with if you honestly think they will do something to make her deliberately unhappy.

Do you think they want to deal with homesick, unhappy children? In their free time. Unpaid. No. So, they'll do whatever they can to minimize this. Please just trust them and don't cause even more work for them.

As a teacher we would not put a child with children knowing that this would make the child miserable ...it's not good for the child nor the staff on the trip who then would be dealing with the issues
Trust the staff please
It takes hours to sort out rooms for residential and the place where they are going can switch room allocation at the last minute when other schools are also there at the same time ...
Staff do not go back on decisions lightly ...
Again it's about trust

My DD was little this when she was younger. I don’t know why so many people feel if you just throw a child into a situation it will be good for them. Some children aren’t just ‘a bit sensitive’ they really struggle.
Does your daughter have a phone or could she take and old one so she could contact you if she is upset?

You can reassure a child that it will be okay without promising they're going to get their own way on sharing a room. By helping them to become less fixated on that one element

Exactly. It’s to stop parents kicking off before they get there (aka acting like small children).

OP I suggest you focus on helping your daughter to build a bit of resilience. Your level of quite frankly ridiculous anxiety over this will not doubt be rubbing off on her. And I find it odd you would be happy to leave your daughters only friend on her own did the trip. How would you feel if the others girls Mum withdrew her from the trip and left your daughter without her into friend?

Were kids really coming out in tears? 🙄

Are you sure you're not fuelling her anxiety OP?

The problem is when they tell the kids often there are half the parents coming in demanding a change. It’s a total nightmare organising this.
However, I think they should be told with plenty of notice. A week or 2 weeks then it gives time to iron out any wrinkles.
Plus the kids with autism (and undiagnosed autism) need to be fully made aware of everything that will happen and what the arrangements are.
In PGL though you only spend a very small time in the room. They are in bed at 9 and up at 7 and all day is pretty much out in different groups doing activities so I wouldn’t worry too much.
One trip my kids went on, they asked who they wanted to share with but then when arriving at the door were told ‘sorry it’s all changed and everyone is in different rooms now’
Absolutely useless for kids who hate change (which is most kids!)

If it’s the same as our school is a strict no electronics policy and no phone calls to home allowed at all except in an emergency

She will actually be fine, have a great time and spend lots of time with her friend even if they aren't in the same room.
Kids are in and out of each others rooms at these things. You worrying is not helping her - you need to get over that and reassure her that everything will be fine as the teacher has said.
Trust the teachers. They know what they are doing .

My DD is 7 and has dyspraxia she is currently away on a trip with Brownies, she asked to be in a room woth one of her friends and when they sent out the room allocations she wasn't in a room with any of her friends. I didnt tell her and still sent her. I was worried yes, but I know that the weekend will be better for her than not sending her. I also can't collect her. They have sent us pictures and my DD is having a great time. The bedroom scenario seems like such a massive deal, but it really isn't in the long run.
I also remember going on them when I was at school and I never got to be with my friends, we were literally only there at bed time and had done so much during the day and had later nights than we were used to that we just slept, got up met friends for breakfast and then spent the day having fun with friends rinse and repeat.
Your DD will be fine and have a great time, she may even make some new friends. If she doesn't then you praise her for trying and don't send her on the next one.

While all her class is away having a great time

Not to mention when they go back into school and are sharing their stories, their diaries and the photos are up on the website, they have shared memories, then when they are in Year 6 the stories all reoccur at Leavers Assembly.

This is a huge step forward for your dd , and it will be something you can reference later when she expresses anxiety about secondary transfer, tutor groups etc etc “ Remember how worried you were when it was school journey? And that all worked out fine didn’t it”

Please talk her into going still, residential trips are such amazing confidence boosters, I'm sure she will love it

If you pull your daughter off th trip then you aren't giving her any opportunity to learn resilliance. As everyone has said, it is unlikely they won't put your daughter with her friend but they absolutely cannot tell you because thenthe other 30 odd parents will be on the phone wanting to know and inevitably wanting to change things. Your daughter needs to realise that she can survive a small amount of anxiety and being out of her comfort zone. Camps like this are the ideal opportunity for this. If she goes, she will have a great time and learn that there are more froends than just the one, she will overcome fesrs and grow. If she stays she will reinforce that she cannot overcome fears or so things that make her feel.uncomfortable.

I have been doing residential trips for 20 years and never taken a child home unhappier than when they came.

This is stupid .

You're not helping your child become resilient to unexpected change .

I'm sure she will have a lovely time

she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend

This could be a great opportunity for her to make some friendships with other people, rather than relying solely on 'one friend' which doesn't sound very healthy to be honest.

Can you encourage her to make more friends? Invite some of the girls/boys in her class around for playdates?

please don't stop her from going, that will make this situation worse.

Because avoiding things doesn't reduce anxiety, it absolutely increases it. And the reason you're making such a big deal about this is exactly why they don't tell the children in advance - interfering parents.