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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to pull DD out of residential trip?

226 replies

Irishshamrock · 07/05/2022 11:47

Year 5 and off on 3 night PGL next week
Kids have been told for months they will find out what room they are in the Friday before they head off - yesterday!
Kids came out, some in tears as teacher has now decided to tell them on arriving at the hotel instead
DD up all night worrying as she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend.
Without being in a room with this friend she never would have agreed to go but at parents evening I was assured she would be unless any falling out etc - there hasn’t been!
How can I confidently send her when I don’t know for sure?
WWYD?

OP posts:
modgepodge · 07/05/2022 12:12

We always tell the kids when we arrive. If they knew in advance, they’d be talking about it, trying to arrange swaps, parents would get involved and so on. We announce on arrival and it’s absolutely fine.

the mistake the school made was saying they’d announce in advance then changing that. That is unfair, but I’m sure they have their reasons.

teachers want an easy week. They are highly unlikely to put kids with kids they don’t like as it will cause problems which they’ll have to deal with. I expect your daughter will be with her friend and it will all be fine.

Original poster
Irishshamrock · 07/05/2022 12:16

She didn’t want to go at all until recently - it took a lot to get her to this point.
its the change of plan and the 180 that’s caused the most angst
I don’t feel confident enough to tell her she is definitely with her best friend as if she isn’t she will feel I’ve lied to her - black and white is an understatement honestly.
She would be too embarrassed to make a fuss so I wouldn’t get to collect her - she would have to just cope for the 4 days.
at 9 years old that’s a big ask.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 07/05/2022 12:16

Speak to the teachers so they know she is nervous but don't pull her out.
I was fuming a few years ago when a day before the trip DS was allocated to share with a known trouble maker because the teacher told DS he was such a good influence.
I texted the teacher and told him to let me know of any issues. Thankfully there were none, but it was an expensive trip and as DS is an only he was really looking forward to sharing with his pals, and of course there have been no trips since then.

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 07/05/2022 12:17

I think it's a really dodgy message to your daughter to pull her without knowing, fair enough if she gets there, is not with friends and finds it unbearable but in all likelihood that won't happen.

Help her develop a bit of resilience in rolling with the punches but also if shes that unhappy teach her how to share this with a teacher for help.

Pickabearanybear · 07/05/2022 12:18

This reply has been withdrawn

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Savoretti · 07/05/2022 12:19

these trips are usually so full on the kids literally fall into bed to sleep so I really don’t think it matters too much who they are with as the social time will be during the day. She will also be so busy during the day she won’t have time to feel sad about anything else

Original poster
Irishshamrock · 07/05/2022 12:20

Not helping her in what way?
it’s a non compulsory trip - she doesn’t have to go at all

OP posts:
clpsmum · 07/05/2022 12:21

If you've already been assisted they will be together what is the problem??? Also crying because she is not with her best friend is a bit OTT tbh

dontyoubother · 07/05/2022 12:22

If she's really quiet and has one special friend the teacher will know that. Those kids are always top of my list when sorting rooms for residentials. The whole point of these things is that they are resilience and relationship building. I'd send her.

CottonSock · 07/05/2022 12:25

Blimey I now quite fully understand why no-one should be told in advance. What a fuss

NotSorry · 07/05/2022 12:25

I'm a cub leader and we don't tell cubs what tents they are in until they arrive - if we do it beforehand then you get a million phone calls of parents wanting tents swapped round - we know who our cubs get on with and who they don't and we also need a mixture of personalities - I would say that's why the teacher hasn't done it

MobLife · 07/05/2022 12:26

Negotiating uncomfortable situations are a really important part of development; you're not doing her any favours by pulling her-it will feed anxiety.

Of course the teacher knows who is sharing with who...they're not letting on to avoid a week of managing emails from stressy parents demanding changes to room arrangements

SoupDragon · 07/05/2022 12:27

the teacher asked me to reassure her it would be fine

i agree with other posters who say that the teacher is telling you she is with her friend without actually saying those words.

Porcupineintherough · 07/05/2022 12:27

If you think it best, keep her home. but I would think at 9 its better to have to cope for 4 days than have your mum make it quite so clear that she thinks you can't.

Maireas · 07/05/2022 12:27

CottonSock · 07/05/2022 12:25

Blimey I now quite fully understand why no-one should be told in advance. What a fuss

Oh, believe me, it happens every time. Rooming is a nightmare, some parents are constantly on your case. Like you've nothing else to do.
We would never, ever put a child with someone they don't like/won't get on with.

MajorCarolDanvers · 07/05/2022 12:27

This trip will build her confidence and her resilience. Its something she will remember for the rest of her life.

Park your helicopter, put the cotton wool away and encourage and support your daughter.

MatildaTheCat · 07/05/2022 12:29

Please don’t pull her out. The teacher has said it will be fine and now you need to spend the weekend begging the trip up as an exciting adventure. There will be new activities, chances to mix with the other children in a non school setting and a whole lot of ways to improve confidence. You are right to be concerned but you have also written off every other child as ‘bolshy’ and unsuitable. Chances are some of them are very nice and possibly also feeling nervous.

My DS had huge separation anxiety around school tips and would have to leave on the bus sobbing but he always had great fun and not sending him would have been completely wrong.

tootiredtoocare · 07/05/2022 12:29

You'll make her anxiety worse by pulling her out. I'm sure teacher knows her students and is aware that your DD is introverted and will do best with her friend. There comes a point where we have to push a bit harder to help them overcome their anxiety instead of feeding it.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 07/05/2022 12:31

If you choose to pull your child out, thats your decision. The school isn't responsible for it simply because they've said they will find out upon arrival. Its good the school didn't give in to your threat of her not being able to go, its not one rule for you and one for everyone else. The school will be aware of your child and won't put her with someone she won't get on with. This kind of thing just shows why schools don't give the information before trips.

Schmz · 07/05/2022 12:31

olympicsrock · 07/05/2022 12:07

You have your answer. Teacher knows her needs and has told you to reassure her it will be fine . They have quietly told you but not in so many words that she will be with her friend.
you now need to reassure DD.

This !!!!!
now stop stressing so your DD doesn’t pick up on your stress !
PGL will keep them very busy, they will be sleeping only in their rooms, she can stick with her bestie all day long and it sounds very clear that the teacher is alluding as strong as she can that she WILL be roomed with her bf

TheMooch · 07/05/2022 12:32

Take the focus off the room. They aren't in all the time . Teacher aim.to have rooms with no conflict and sleep.
It will be OK. Might not be what you want, but it will be alright.
Don't pull her out.

Or you can do what one OTT mother on a trip did, she made some excuse to drive behind them bringing stuff, went in the dorms and rearranged it to suit her daughter. Though it upset the children, the teachers (and the parents when they heard about it and became stuff of legend for all school residentials).

Gazelda · 07/05/2022 12:32

OP, I completely understand your concerns. And you want your DD to be looking forward to the trip, not anxious about it!

But please don't pull her out. She will enjoy it, it will help her independence. By pulling her out, she will learn that her introvert nature means she can't experience things like others. Speak with the teacher on Monday. The teacher doubtless knows how best to handle this. And has to handle 30 children's needs/wishes/characteristics.

And for all the teachers, brownie leaders etc on this thread - Thank you! I know you do these activities out of the goodness of your hearts. Our children's young years would be less adventurous if it wasn't for you and all you do. Know that parents are grateful and that children remember the wonderful experiences you enable.

PortalooSunset · 07/05/2022 12:32

They probably haven't fully finalised arrangements yet - if a couple of children don't turn up on Monday then they can switch a room of 4 to a room of 2 (and potentially save costs) sort of thing. I would imagine that if it was already agreed for your DD and her friend to share and as you say there has been no falling out then this would be honoured. But it may be they're expecting some to drop out? No idea why they'd said they'd tell them before if that was the case though.
On dc's trips it was always just boy and girl dorms.

Jovanka · 07/05/2022 12:32

You would be doing her a real disservice to pull her out now. And I think you will look back on this in a few years and realise you were being ridiculous. In a year’s time she will be getting ready for secondary school and you won’t be able to control this kind of thing then. Best that you both start to get used to that now.

littlefireseverywhere · 07/05/2022 12:33

Your daughter will be fine. You’ve made your feelings clear to the teacher, let her go & enjoy the trip. They ALWAYS enjoy them, or most of it!