to pull DD out of residential trip?

[Irishshamrock]

Year 5 and off on 3 night PGL next week
Kids have been told for months they will find out what room they are in the Friday before they head off - yesterday!
Kids came out, some in tears as teacher has now decided to tell them on arriving at the hotel instead
DD up all night worrying as she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend.
Without being in a room with this friend she never would have agreed to go but at parents evening I was assured she would be unless any falling out etc - there hasn’t been!
How can I confidently send her when I don’t know for sure?
WWYD?

Then they should have foreseen having to do this, rather than promising the children they would tell them (who they would be sharing with) on the Friday before they leave and then not telling them.

The only thing a 9 year old needs to know is that he has the unconditional support of her mum (and dad/wider family) which will give her the confidence - when she’s ready - to become more brave.

You know your daughter, OP. I don’t think you’re being ridiculous/controlling/Overprotective /weird at all. You’re supporting your child and not trying to shoehorn her into a situation she may not be ready for. Without knowing your child no-one can tell you whether an experience will be good for her or whether it will backfire. Trust your instincts. X

It is important that children develop resilience. A lack of maturity or perspective on a parent's part can really hinder a child.

It's this, imo. Even quietly confirming with you will end in everyone knowing somehow. You'll tell your daughter, she'll tell the friend, friend tells her parents, all parents will know by that evening via the WhatsApp group, and there will certainly be a few parents who will kick off.

YOU might not be the sort who would, but you would honestly be amazed at how upset and dramatic parents get, especially if there's a few in one year group. The drama just bounces back and forth and by the time they communicate with the school they are livid.

We had a child whose parents pulled them out of their spring performance because the sub-group they were divided into didn't have all of their friends. (So, one song, class divided into 5 groups. For that one song. The entire rest of the time they're all sitting exactly as they would for anything else, waiting their turn) Almost no one was in with their 'friends' because we'd never had gotten any practicing done with that layout in that particular group, so it isn't as if they were singled out. So the child missed out on fun and the parents missed seeing their child in the performance, just to prove ... something.

@VainAbigail

i guess it would stop parents kicking off. I think telling them on arrival is a good idea!

If she doesn’t go her poor friend won’t have her best friend there at all - that’s not kind.
Very good point.
That wouldn't be fair.

Our lot find out on the coach on the way there!

Ours never find out until they get there. They don’t even go into their rooms straight away as they’re off doing activities.

@Irishshamrock I’m going to go against the grain here and say if she doesn’t want to go that’s fine. I don’t understand this idea that it’s good for all children to be made to be uncomfortable.

If I was told I had to go and spend four days staying in a room with Tracy across the road that I only know to say hi to occasionally and do a load of activities I may or may not enjoy I wouldn’t be thrilled either.

There are plenty of other ways for children to grow up with resilience than school trips.

So if she is not in the room she wants to be in she doesn’t want to go? I think that’s the only point you need to consider. It’s her choice. If she is nervous and anxious now room choice is not a certainty anymore before departure then she doesn’t have to go does she? Let her decide.

'Possibly Aspergers'? Have you got her on the proper diagnostic pathway ... or are you just guessing?
What will be the consequences of her being 'made to cope'?

No amount if play dates or confidence building exercises can compensate for an overbearing mum.

OP, you are not actually supporting your child here.

I do not think you are been unreasonable as some kids have high anxiety. I would have a quiet word with the teacher and explain the situation as every child is different and hope you get it sorted so it helps your child. Hope she has a nice time.

I would imagine they do this so that no child is made to feel like the person no one wants to share with. The teacher decides who goes where so no one is left out. I think it’s a good idea.

I don’t think parents should interfere with things like this. It can lead to bullying.

Every child in our year group goes. No point stoking her anxiety

If they announce it beforehand, someone will go in and object - they can't keep everyone happy. If that parent makes a valid point, then they have to move someone else - who might be perfectly happy - to accommodate the switch. That parent then goes into object - cue game of musical beds, and increasing numbers of parents being unhappy. Then the request comes for two children to be together when it just can't work (eg close friends who misbehave together) and is turned down, leading to accusations of favouritism.

From experience of this (and class groupings), you never ever win by making an early announcement, you just upset increasingly large numbers of children and parents.

Have a quiet word with the school about how your daughter is feeling, without being pushy or looking like you want to call the shots. They may well listen and/or tip you off as to what the plan is.

Finally, your daughter is anxious about something which might not happen. You need to help her with this, because when she goes to secondary school that is going to be a very regular occurrence. My instinct is that you need to weigh up the odds of whether (i) she'll learn that sometimes it all works out ok in the end, either with friend or by making new ones, against (ii) she'll learn that she was right to be anxious and life is awful.

Weighing in as teacher, I never told kids rooming allocations until arrival at hotel. Otherwise we just spent time before going or the very long coach ride (trips abroad!) with kids trying to swap about and in some cases remove another child from their room.
You can't please everyone because they hotel only have so many rooms with each number of beds. If there are 2 groups of 4 girls, each of whom are very close but only one room for 4, one group will not be able to have one. You are forced to either split the 4 into pairs and mix with others, or add another child or two and them into a bigger room. I always ensured that every child had a least one other that they were close with, but the reality of hotel rooms is that I could not meet everyone's rooming preferences. If I knew that some were particularly sensitive, vulnerable, homesick, medical issues or similar I would make those a priority when I did the rooming. Particularly important when dealing with sensitive medical issues that only a child's close friends were aware of.
Telling them rooming on arrival at the hotel was the least stress for everyone because the kids didn't have a chance to get worked up about it, they just accepted it and got on with it. They spend so little time in rooms anyway. In years of doing it I only had to change the rooms once midweek, because I had inadvertently put two boys together who had a history of antagonising each other that I was unaware of. (secondary so I didn't actually teach all the trip kids myself).

If you are really concerned, drop the teacher an email on Monday and explain why, and request that your child is roomed with at least one close friend.
The teacher is likely to accommodate that unless there is any major reason not to, but they may not admit that in advance because they don't want every parent making a a similar request.

Ha, I think @Headteacher415 and I are on the same page! That post appeared while I was typing.

I think the whole “building resilience” is a load of rubbish. I sent my happy, confident and popular DS1 away on his year 6 PGL and he came back miserable and nine months later he still hasn’t got anything good to say about it. It really soured his end to a fab eight years at his primary school where he was ultimately voted in as head boy by his peers. He’s been going to sleepovers at various friends since he was about six as well as spending many weekends away with his grandad. At five he had to leave me, his dad and younger brother abroad when DS2 got chickenpox whilst we were on holiday. He went home with my dad. I was an emotional wreck after he left but he confidently waved us bye bye as the taxi drove off and then calmly explained why he was travelling with his grandad when they got questioned by immigration. Why am I describing all this…because he had resilience and the PGL knocked his confidence rather than building it. A pointless waste of £450. DS2 won’t be going when he is in year 6. I’ll spend the money taking him away somewhere nice.

Best comment

But if she doesn't go, her friend will be on her own.

Aspergers or not, ditching your best friend isn't nice.

@fairylightsandwaxmelts does the best friend really care though? And does the best friend consider the OP's DD as HER 'best friend'?
I didn't have any 'best friends' at school but quite a few somehow considered me theirs...

Just send her. She'll be fine. If she isn't, teacher will notice and re-arrange.

Experiences like this will help your daughter 's social development and confidence, make her less anxious.

Just a hug of encouragement for you OP. You are clearly a very caring mum and know your child best. Residentials are not the be all and end all to create a well adjusted, independent child/teenager/adult.

The teacher can't tell you because if they did then they would have to tell every other parent.