to pull DD out of residential trip?

[Irishshamrock]

Year 5 and off on 3 night PGL next week
Kids have been told for months they will find out what room they are in the Friday before they head off - yesterday!
Kids came out, some in tears as teacher has now decided to tell them on arriving at the hotel instead
DD up all night worrying as she’s a quiet soul, outwardly confident but actually very nervous and only has one very close friend.
Without being in a room with this friend she never would have agreed to go but at parents evening I was assured she would be unless any falling out etc - there hasn’t been!
How can I confidently send her when I don’t know for sure?
WWYD?

Which is why I’m saying for now don’t force her. Get help for her for anxiety. Pursue a diagnosis if appropriate. Get advice from experts. The consequences of not dealing with this well can be very harmful.

@WhatWouldHarveyDo People with additional needs and disabilities still need to grow in resilience. If anything, we need it more, not less. I appreciate the fact that I was stretched and pushed out of my comfort zone as a child because, as hard as it was, I have no idea how I would have coped with some of my adult experiences if I hadn't been. It does a child no favours to prevent them from participating in normal formative experiences just because they have additional needs. No one should be excluded.

I haven’t said they don’t need to. But it often needs to be done in a different way. If you read my posts you’d see i said exactly that in a previous post.
Many doctors and therapists will disagree with you about it doing no favours, it can actually be very helpful to not always push them. When a child is overwhelmed it’s often good to pause, listen, assess and find a way forward that is suitable. OP should get proper medical advice for her daughter who is clearly suffering significant anxiety and potentially ASD. Whether you have experience with anxiety or ASD, every child will have different needs and will be able to cope with different things. Parents will know their child best and will benefit from working with the child and professionals. One size fits all doesn’t work.

@WhatWouldHarveyDo I think you're just pushing for one size fits all in the opposite direction, though. That's part of the point I'm making: is it right, or worthwhile, to apply a blanket 'don't make them do it', anymore than to apply an utterly rigid and unswervable 'yes, make them'...?

I think the extremes of each are just as damaging. OP's child was willing to go on the trip if placed with her friend; that doesn't indicate that an appropriate solution is to pull her over this issue. She probably still is with her friend. And as others have mentioned, what about the impact on the friend? She is half of that friendship, and people with additional needs or disabilities need to learn just like anyone else how to be good friends. Her friendship might be compromised if her mother pulls her for a trivial reason, which would make things even harder.

I don't think it's anything like as simple as: all these mean neurotypical who don't get it vs. you, who does. There is no perfect solution here and it's right to consider the longterm for this DD as well as what makes her most immediately comfortable. @Clymene and others are correct that avoidance does not lower anxiety.

They ABU to tell pupils one thing and do another. They ANBU to tell pupils at the last minute - they just should have planned to do so all along.

Almost the entire point of these trips (I’m a teacher) is to get children to do team-building activities, to widen their groups of friends and introduce them to new experiences. The children should all expect to be grouped with children that aren’t their best friends as otherwise little unadventurous clusters would stick together. So, IMO no harm will come from pupils not having time to find out (or argue with teachers about) who they will share with.

Don’t pull her out. That just teaches her that her anxiety is real. Send her, she will almost certainly be with her friend, and even if not and she is miserable all week (unlikely) she will come home having survived the experience and grown in resilience (but more than likely you will find that she will have made new friends - which it sounds like she needs).
Children need a little exposure to ‘safe adversity’ to grow. Send her!

Teachers know that once the children are there they will have a fantastic time. Sometimes, with some children, actually getting them there is the issue due to their own insecurities. They will not pair up children who don't get on, will ensure your child is with someone she likes. What message will your child get if you withdraw them? How will they feel when the trip returns with children absolutely buzzing from the fun they had? If you trust the school, trust the school. Speaking as a multiple time trip organiser of secondary students, mum to 4 grandma to multiples. Never had a bad trip experience (well, that mushroom soup was a bit trippy once) for students or staff.

@Innocenta if you actually read my posts you would see I’m not saying that. In fact I actually state that every child will have different needs. I haven’t said avoid things forever. I’ve said pause when a child is overwhelmed with anxiety, assess and find a way through with professional help. That has been the advice of multiple psychologists. You can continue your made up argument if you wish to on your own.

@WhatWouldHarveyDo I'm aware that's what you claim you're saying. But the response you're suggesting is totally disproportionate to the situation, which makes me question your judgment.

Cba 🤓

By the way OP, we have specifically been told that the kids who your child shares a room with with will NOT be the same ones they do their activities with during the day.

You are being ridiculous.

(I have a daughter of similar age)

It wasn’t fair to change the boundaries on kids telling them they’d find out Friday and then delaying.

but pulling her out is ridiculous, no wonder a lot of young people have no skills, common sense or get up and go these day when they’ve been constantly mollycoddled and not told to get on with things.

I really enjoyed the activities at PGL & we slept in tents

There are lessons to be learnt here

You cannot control everything in life, you have to make the most of things

You may make friends with new people

You may learn new skills

ANY change is a massive deal, so the fact she was told she would know on the Friday and now doesn’t know is enough to upset her entire weekend

She might surprise you. It's worth a punt isn't it? For all the benefits it could bring.

Send her on the trip

She’s feeling a little more positive about it although has questioned me and what I would do / feel / think if I was her over and over and over again.
shes a massive overthinker
we are going to buy some extra bits today to spur her on

YABU, your DD needs to understand that life throws challenges. You cannot make everything always go her way. What if every parent insisted on certain pairings?

Guessing as no professional would use the term

She will have a fab time and hopefully make new friends

Agree teacher was telling you without telling you

At which point you need to reinforce that it will be fine however the room groups pan out and that it is normal to be worry about unknowns but she needs to trust that Staff and instructors aim to keep her safe and happy. Her friend will still be there regardless.

If she is year 5 she is one year away from a transition to secondary and that may mean the year groups divides and friendships change, some anxiety about change is normal, ongoing sleeplessness and tears are more extreme. If you think she potentially has any additional need please investigate it sooner than later.

For one tbing they will hardly be in their rooms except to sleep after long tiring days. I asume the activity groups will be different to the room group.

Parents like the op are exactly the reason they have not told them!!

OP is the other child equally dependent your dd? I wonder what the other child's parents think about it all? They might thinkk the friendship is a bit suffocating and have asked them to be split. If i was the teacher i would probably split them up

we are going to buy some extra bits today to spur her on

Not necessary. She'll have a fab time, make new friends, gain some confidence, try new food, learn new skills, and come home in the same clothes you dropped her off in, which she's also worn all trip, despite the huge suitcase you park for her

If those extra bits are going to help her positivity and get her on that coach, go for it! As a previous poster said, they'll probably mostly come back untouched/unworn but if they get her going in the first place.

I volunteer with teenagers who have massively bought into the narrative that they have anxiety issues, to the extent that one refused to order from the waiter when we went out for a group meal "I have anxiety, I can't do that". I see how it becomes a self fulfilling and self limiting issue.

By encouraging on the trip (where hopefully she'll have a blast!). You'll be able to talk together about how it's ok to have and express worries, but we don't want to let them stop us doing things that might well be lots of fun.

(And, while it may well have been unavoidable, the school was being somewhat U in pulling the plug on telling them room shares on Friday when they had promised to)