To give up after 5 years of not finding a tribe

[Crocsandshocks]

Name changed for this. 5 years ago I moved as a single parent to a new location for a good job and independent life away from ex. Problem is, 5 years on I still really haven't found a tribe. Time is limited to socialise and getting out in the evenings is difficult for obvious reasons. Would I b u and give up and go back to where I used to live, get a job to tide me over (earning far less) or should I try harder?

So you still have the good job and an independent life where you’re able to manage well as a single parent?

And you want to give that all up - for what?

How will you afford the amazing social life you’re imagining when you have no, or a much smaller, income? Have you missed all the news about the terrifying rise in the cost of living?

You don’t say how old your child is (or whether you have them full time) - but I daresay your own social life will be largely determined by their routine.

I don’t know about ‘trying harder’ - you probably need to re-assess exactly how you spend any free time. If you’re not finding friends on an ad hoc basis it might be a good idea to plan things in advance - a walking or cycling holiday with a group of strangers, perhaps, or a weekend of dry stone walling on a taught course.

Does your child need a babysitter? Could you afford that once a week while you do an evening course? Mandarin or wine tasting or theatre trips, doesn’t matter - but it should be a shared endeavour rather than a ‘meeting people for the sake of meeting people’ type of club.

Just don’t give up your job - the climate is all wrong for such flightiness.

Do most people have a tribe? I'm not sure I'd want one.

Do you have lots of very close friends or family in your original city? If so I might consider it but you may find that those people have moved on and actually it's your/their time of life (young kids and job) that limits socialising.

I assume you'd have more childcare in your home city? Would the loss of earnings offset that?

I’m not sure about the ambition of “finding a tribe” is a realistic ambition as an adult. I think some people may luck out and bond with a group at NCT or reception class parents and move forward together as a friendship group but it was never my experience. I have friends here and there but not a big group. I would probably try to push on if your child is in school and settled and your job is good. Assuming work is not very sociable you’ve got to create opportunities for yourself to get out and about and socialise. You need a babysitter ( I asked in the class WhatsApp group I found a lovely teenager) and then find a group or interest and be open to taking the initiative. I had a chance meeting with a school mum on a train recently and by the end of our journey we’d arranged coffee. We’ve now met up and she’s invited me to her book group and a night at the theatre. ( my kind of activity ). I’m also thinking of hosting something for the jubilee weekend because I suspect otherwise I won’t have much on and I still feel I need to be proactive.

I don’t know many adults that have or want/need a ‘tribe’.

Your life sounds great.

Yeah a "tribe" is a social media construct. I've a few friends. Not a tribe.

Unlike many on mumsnet I did meet friends at the school gate. How old is your child?

The idea of have a close knit group of like minded individuals you can tell your innermost secrets to is unrealistic. But if you just want a few chums that's different.

I don't really understand any of what you've written, so sorry for all the questions. What exactly are you looking for by way of friends? And how old is your child? Why do you think the friends will be somehow better where you used to live?

Do you not like anyone at work, or does your job not let you meet people nearby for some reason? With a young child or child at school, it's normal to get to know other parents, are you struggling to get to know people or just don't like them? For an older child, you can get a babysitter to go out and do activities to meet people; what are your interests and have you tried that?

I don't understand the post or what what you want good luck any way

I think you need to look at life from the perspective that you're an independent adult with a good job and a child to look after and less from the notion that you're a uni fresher looking for clubs to join. A lot of socialising especially as a single parent rests on the child; age, additional needs and so forth.

@Somethingyesterday and others. Thanks. Perhaps the grass is always greener. Good point about the cost of living issues. I just get pangs of jealousy when I look on social media and see what's going on back in my home town. Perhaps it's the edited highlights. Mostly I just need some human connections!

I understand “finding my tribe” in the context of school kids/teenagers tbh, not really as adults. If you have a great job and you have got away from a difficult ex I would congratulate myself and take the wins. I certainly wouldn’t be moving backwards.

I have a few friends dotted here and there but I've definitely not had a group of close regular friends since my 20s when I used to go out a lot.

Beware of basing your happiness on old friends. Having moved away I found that when I returned everyone had moved on - or not, but were at different life stages and not much was seen of any of them. Is your child at school yet?

Are your kids at school? Do you meet other mums at drop off/pick up?

Try the Peanut app, I found some really lovely like-minded mums on there. They match you with women that have kids the same age so it should be easier to have compatible socialising time.

I agree with others that the "tribe" thing is over-rated.

Friendship groups do have certain advantages (ease, certainty of being able to find someone to hang out with, certain status advantages). But they can also be very limiting.

Sometimes they can be quite supportive for a while but over time very few of these big friendship groups stay the course. They are really alliances of smaller groups of friends and over time the real friendships splinter away from the big group and you tend to realise that you were only ever really friends with one or two of them.

I've gone through most of my life being on the fringes of tribes, dipping in and out and taking what I need from them but without being over-committed and I find that much healthier.

I get what you mean . It sounds like you want adult human connection .
We moved to a new place and i felt this at first.

However we are in a different stage of life to you and are not having to stay in due to dc.

It usually takes about 2 years to settle inna new area i think to establish friends but remember covid will have interupted that for you
.
When my dc were little i used to invite parents drinks when the kids played. Some parents gelled and are lifelong mates now, others not so.. its doing stuff and creates the opportunity to connect.
Also.maybe go to tge same place locally v often such as an independant cafe you like. ? It may make you fee more part of.local.community?
Ps i really do know what u mean .. my lifelong mates are in another place as we have moved to our dream area and for that i have to.miss mates and it pulls on my heart strings! Good luck

So you want friends ?

I don’t know anyone who posts about their social lives on social media beyond a certain age. Our “tribes” mostly dispersed once we all got married and had kids. Yes I do have a few close friends, but I don’t see them very often as we all live quite far apart.

Are you single? I agree with previous posters who say tribes of friends break up once you hit your 30s and the marriage / kids stage. It’s lonely when you’re single, so I get that completely.
Unfortunately everyone moves on though and so I think you have to try and put together a new social circle where you are, that fits with your life.
If you go back, your tribe may disperse within the year. Or you may find out that all the social media shenanegans were all just for show.

Yes I am single and not up for dating at the moment.

First of all, what you see on social media is of course edited highlights, and in your heart you probably know this. Don't be fooled by the 'front'.

Secondly, you don't say what age your child is, but are there activites you could do with them/volunteer at that would solve childcare issues and allow you to meet people. In my village we have monthly litter picking that quite a few parents and kids go to, Guiding and Scouting, a youth club for 10+ in our village and one for 8+ in the next, football, judo, all of which are crying out for volunteers. You may not find your 'tribe' but that's probably pretty ambitious after about 25. You may however find some people to connect with.
I would echo others though - in this climate with a stable job, stay put.

Whats a tribe in this context? Not sure I understand what this means

I get it. I’m a lone parent, and my friends are really important to me. I live in london though so as some settle and have kids, there’s always more like minded people to meet. I assume that’s what you mean by your tribe, just like minded fun people to hang out with. I don’t know if I’d move home… but I totally sympathise that not having your people around you is hard when you are a lone parent. Every time I vaguely wonder if I’ll ever leave london, I think about the community I’d be giving up if I left and realise I never want to
fully leave.

I think if you now realise you love your old area, move back. Money isn't everything, assuming you could earn enough to get by. I wouldn't move back just to hang out with your old friends though, they may have moved on, be in a busy stage of life, or the connection just won't be there.

What’s the difference between making friends and finding a tribe? Have you made friends? Are the friends not nice enough?How many people qualify for a tribe? Or is it some cheesy social media term like squad?