To give up after 5 years of not finding a tribe

[Crocsandshocks]

Name changed for this. 5 years ago I moved as a single parent to a new location for a good job and independent life away from ex. Problem is, 5 years on I still really haven't found a tribe. Time is limited to socialise and getting out in the evenings is difficult for obvious reasons. Would I b u and give up and go back to where I used to live, get a job to tide me over (earning far less) or should I try harder?

I get it. I’m a widowed parent and it’s hard to find time/babysitters to socialise with any people consistently enough to form friendships.

Have you tried the Frolo app? It’s good for making connections with others parents just for friendship, and there’s a dating section so it separates out those who want that.

i think sometimes the point where we give up or let go of needing something is just when it starts to happen. So keep holding out for what you really want.

Can you go online to look for absolutely everything that you’re interested in, however random, join chat groups for that and then suggest meet ups in real life with anyone you like the look of on there? Also join your kids up to anything they’ll go to and see if any of the parents are good to chat to?

May not also be related to single life and tribe

I live in a village and have a couple of tribes I can consider my self part of but still feel pique if I am excluded from one when I see something on social media even though I know I attend things others have been excluded from

Am happily married too but still feel that existing not thriving thing

Covid has been a complete bitch

That’s a good shout about joining your kids up to stuff. At my kids hobbies I am friendly with all the parents and good friends with a few.

I think yabu because tight-knit groups of friends inevitably become dramatic. A break up happens in the middle of the group, or Jane asks Mary to be her bridesmaid but not Lisa. Or Mary has a party and forgets to ask Harriet.

Much healthier and easier to have individual friends or smaller groups of friends that you see 1-1. In my experience.

Ok, so it's just friends you want, not specifically a group. And the issue is not meeting people in a situation in which you can chat.
Some ideas:

1. Lunch dates with work colleagues
2. Join the class WhatsApp and set up playdates for your DC with mums if they are young enough; it's fine to invite 4 mums at once and speed through the class!
3. Set up an activity for people to bring their DC, e.g. We are going to GoApe a week on Sunday, who can join with their kids?
4. Chat to the neighbours
5. Weekend activities that include the DC
6. Find that teenager!

I like going to bigger parties and meetups but always as one of the fringe members of the group. To give an example...one queen bee, in a big friendship group I'm on the fringe of, has invited me to her wedding and I've declined as dd and dh aren't invited. So pleased to be out of it now as she's asked only one of the key women in the group to be her bridesmaid and at least one other is mortally offended and "rethinking our friendship".

Aaargh lol

On a scale of 1-10 how much do you regret using the word tribe? 😂😂😂
If this thread is in any way a sample of average woman then it's hardly surprising people find it hard to make friends! Blimey!
It must be difficult & like you say you're bound by responsibilities but definitely make enquiries re a teen who'd be willing to babysit.

Perhaps it's the edited highlights.

More than likely it is OP! A lot of people will feel like you so you're not alone.

Presumably your children are settled, you are financially secure etc I think you’d be mad to give that up. You could well end up regretting moving back when your children still aren’t settled at school in a year and they cry about old friends etc.

In terms of friends. I assume by tribe you mean having a couple of friends rather than a core “group” like the 4 friends in Sex And The City etc of Friends as I don’t think these things are realistic. In terms of that I guess you do need a regular babysitter and to accept the school drinks and join a book club / wine club / yoga class etc. I do also think making friends as an adult can take a long time. I stayed friends with university friends a long time after university but we’re drifting apart these days. I have new friends through my DC but they are slow burning friendships and it’s taken YEARS to get to the point that we can discuss “real” problems etc. I do sometimes wish I had friends I was as close to as those I was at university but at the same time I know that adult friendships often change over time and the closest friends I will have in 20 years are probably people I haven’t met yet.

Seconding the class WhatsApp to flush out some like-minded parents: ‘we fancy a nice walk for my DCs to spot some cute dogs, any tips?’ can easily progress to ‘anyone fancy a walk with the kids on Saturday?’

And ignore the twattish comments about ‘tribes’ we know exactly what you mean and it’s perfectly understandable to look for that.

Tribe was a word used years ago to describe a friendship group by a few folks for a short period , yes it’s a bit cringe and embarrassing to use it now, and the “trust worthy teen” comment makes it all a lot worse, she should just have said reliable child care, but I’m sure people knew exactly what the op meant.

her point is she’s no childcare and no friends and feels lonely And is considering removing her child from school and their friendship group , gso she can go back to where she came from so she can go on nights out with her old mates.

I think that’s what she’s saying basically.

op the answer is find reliable child care and do something about your social life and maybe stop using teenage wordings and treat child care as a proper responsibility.

Maybe you could socialise in the evening online, which could then turn into real life connections?

op the answer is find reliable child care and do something about your social life and maybe stop using teenage wordings and treat child care as a proper responsibility.

I could be wrong, OP, but I feel like Dumblebum is trying to tell you she's not your tribe

I understand “find my tribe” at the age of 46 I’ve finally found mine, largely on line but it certainly fills a space which was always very empty. tribe to me is people who have similar outlooks in life, interests etc.

I think this is different to finding friends. You can be friends with someone without sharing a lot in common IME.

I know what you mean. I'd love a tribe. I'm 52

But I think now I'm more supportively in my own corner than I was before. I'm less of a people pleaser than I was. I believe my own interpretation of events when another is presented to me as truth. So. I need a tribe so much less than I used to.

That sounds like a sad story but I have friends. Good friends. They just don't all know each other. The whole tribe thing is a nice idea though. Maybe one day.

Is there a Mumsnet Local group for your area? If so, it could be a good place to start making local contacts. (Maybe avoid the T word!)

This. I was literally thinking the exact same thing. So many dickheads around nowadays, no wonder ‘nice’ ‘normal’ people find it hard to make friends.

OP you sound lovely and that circumstances really are just working against you atm. Finding some childcare needs to be your no 1 priority I think so you can try and go for after work drinks or social stuff with other mums or join a class/ hobby etc. I don’t think it’s that you haven’t found people so much as you haven’t had the time/ opportunity (especially with Covid) to find people. Keep trying, try downloading the bumble bff and peanut apps too for friendships.

Why do people have to be such wankers over the word tribe? It’s clear what op meant. It’s a pretty common term these days.

Well said. I'm not sure why that person felt the need to be so nasty.

Never had a tribe, except family, youngest son Aspergers about 20 mins, hardly see him tho.
socially I have a few great friends ok with that tho.
moving is expensive, you can’t time warp life back to how we want

Do you have any flex with your work hours to enable you to do a pick up or drop off once a week? That can really help with meeting people and you can see if there's anyone you click with.

I have 4 close female friends. They don't know each other (so not a tribe in any way!). 1 from working together nearly 20 yrs ago, 1 from teenage years, 1 from NCT and 1 I met through childminder. I have other women I'm friendly with but not who I would class as a real pal. I only live near to 2 of them, the others I see once every few months. Not all of us have great social lives, you aren't alone

I know what you mean op. It’s hard to find your tribe as an adult with kids.

I read it that most people, like me, were just wanting clarity about exactly what OP wants. "Tribe" would usually be a group of friends who all do stuff together and have niche interests; one person wanting that suggests perhaps being brought into an existing group, or somehow establishing a full group of mutual mates. Turns out OP doesn't want that at all, she just wants a few mates, so people were right to question it.

I don't have a tribe and I live in the town I grew up in. I'm still open to it but not holding breath. What about at work? Can you join a group/class? Volunteer? Activities/play dates with kids and their friends?