To give up after 5 years of not finding a tribe

[Crocsandshocks]

Name changed for this. 5 years ago I moved as a single parent to a new location for a good job and independent life away from ex. Problem is, 5 years on I still really haven't found a tribe. Time is limited to socialise and getting out in the evenings is difficult for obvious reasons. Would I b u and give up and go back to where I used to live, get a job to tide me over (earning far less) or should I try harder?

Thank you these messages are good food for thought. I kind of feel like I'm existing and not living if that makes sense. I don't know if that's the life stage or the place I live.

It's about finding things to do that are 'extra'. You'll probably find people too, but it's the activity that actually makes the difference. You need something in your life that brings you joy, that you do 'just because'.

You're at a stage of life I think where everything has been driven by must and need. All responsibility, no fun.

I had to go on craft courses, do Jewellery making, rediscover the creative part of me that was buried under household chores and work.

What makes you tick? What are you missing? Live music? Art? Cinema?

If you have friends and family in your old home town, go and visit for a few weekends a year. Ask family to babysit while you catch up with old friends.

Cultivate a couple of colleague friendships - just go for coffee or lunch from time to time with anyone who shares your sense of humour or outlook on work/life etc. Find common ground.

If you are working hard and doing well, you really deserve a babysitter once a week. Do something you'd love to do anyway, for its own sake, and then you are likely to meet like-minded people doing the same.

Do you know any other single parents? Could you get them over to yours for a BBQ or similar?

My thoughts when reading this were:

WTF is a tribe in this context?
Who has one?

Intrigued.

I think it’s clear she means she’s not got any friends.

Have you tried something like SPICE they are friendship groups and offer different social gatherings like meals cinema walking hiking weekends away - anything and everything with people looking for friends

It's lonely being a single parent in a new place. I'm in this stage too. Moving back will solve nothing.
Things I've done - approach people at hobbies/school gate and invited them to do things with me, knocked on neighbours doors and invited them round, said yes to all invitations and spoken to everyone there. Basically I've had to leave my comfort zone entirely.
It's taken me 2 years of doing all this relentlessly to make 2 friends.

I understand, I don't understand why so many posters are saying they don't get it.

But, other than finding one good friend, which is lucky, finding a tribe only happens when you get on with a group of women.

I had this, in primary, going out drinking with group of lots of mums, from ds2's primary year, all perfectly pleasant. Then in secondary Ds1's football team mums who were all perfectly pleasant and hugely sociable, going out, and we went on 3 mums holidays, to Tenerife etc, and the dads went on 1. But once you are past schooling, unless it's the right group, either running group, or some such society, they might not be so social?

I think the word "tribe" has set people off a bit, when all you mean is that you would like to make a few good friends where you live. I think that seems totally reasonable - as a single mother I could not spend my life in a place that wasn't congenial.

Is there anything you could do, not more, but differently? Do you think there are people around who could be friends, or is there something about the area that just doesn't suit you?

The life stage certainly doesn't help.

I think most people understand that having a social network and some friends is a positive thing.

I agree that the 'tribe' word is puzzling and confusing. Sounds a bit teenage to be honest, still not sure exactly what is meant by it.

Why do people keep pretending that they don’t know what tribe means? You know it means friends, a group of adult friends local to where you live that you get on with and see from time to time?
I do know what you mean OP, I moved a few years ago and haven’t found a ‘tribe’ either and I miss my old connections. But maybe PPs are right that it’s a certain stage in my life that I miss that might be hard to replicate anywhere or go back to. But I do suspect it’d be easier to make connections where I used to live than where I live now.

Ignore the sneering about the tribe on here OP, I know what you mean.

It can be difficult to get out on your own in the evenings as a single parent. Did you go out much/more than you do now in your old location? It could be a case of the grass is always greener, or it could be that you had more support there. It's hard to say from what you've said so far. I would normally say to stay where you are, but due to circumstances it's probably going to be tricky to get out in the evenings no matter where you are.

It can seem like your life is out of balance, that you just work all the time if you don't get out as much as you'd like to, or have friends that you can vent to when you need a chat. It can be about feeling accepted where you are. I hope you find your tribe soon OP.

Thanks. It's a bit of a vicious circle. I can't go to the firiday after work drinks because I have to pick up children. I can't stay and chat at school drop off as I have to rush to work. I can't go on any school socials with parents because again I'd need to spend £££ on a babysitter. But I really do need to find a trustworthy teenager so I can get away occasionally.

Have you tried playdates as a way to meet other parents? Or attending school events like fetes?

Invite work colleagues to your house )if you want to make friends with them!!)

I'd agree with that. I can't understand how or why you'd want to have a single set of people to suit a lifestyle. I don't have a 'type' of friend.

Ive never heard the word before this thread (outside of the usual meaning of a tribe)

Why not just say friends,, why tribe?

You've done the hard bit op, it will get easier as the dcs get older. Hang in there.

Only anthropologists find tribes in my opinion. This tribe business seems to be a social media thing if you ask me. It takes quite a while to settle and sometimes one or two good friends is all you need. Give it time.

I think tribe is quite a specific friendship term. I have a few friendship groups. They range from people I do fitness with and then join for coffee to chat about family and holidays, to people I go walking with and we talk about life, books, ideas etc. And old school friends who I've known since I was at primary fifty years ago. We talk about the old days.

But my 'tribe' are people I share a vocation with. They are work-related colleagues and friends who I feel I can absolutely be myself with and they get it, because of what we have in common. They always have been. I never feel more fully at ease and wholly myself socially than when I am with these people. Your tribe is the group of friends that wholly shares your values and who you can fully relax with, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially.

YABU to use the word “tribe”.

Groups of white women appropriating the word “tribe” to mean them going out for brunch and cocktails is cringe at best, racist at worst.

Yes this is the impression Im getting from this today.

Why would you put this as a reply? It’s obvious what op is talking about, you just don’t like the expression she’s used and were foaming at the mouth to jump in and try to look clever. Resulting in you in fact looking really stupid.

I think the ‘finding your tribe’ idea really just isn’t realistic. I have a few friends but it’s not all meeting and hitting it off immediately then socialising and sharing our deepest feelings etc. It’s loads of hard work. I need to frequently work on my friendships, inviting people out, making effort to see and speak to people etc. It’s a bit like how people say they’d love to just ‘fall in love.’ To me you have to work on a relationship, it doesn’t just happen. Whether it’s a partner or a friend. It’s rarely the lovely television portrayal of it.

Gosh, im not sure I’ve ever had a tribe then. Seems like a very tall order.
The only people I can be like that with is my immediate family and sisters.

And if you really can’t possibly understand what it means at all you could do what you would do if you came across a phrase you didn’t understand anywhere else - look it up. Literally just Google ‘what does find my tribe mean.’ Rather than jumping in with a snotty little ‘I didn’t understand any of that.’