To give up after 5 years of not finding a tribe

[Crocsandshocks]

Name changed for this. 5 years ago I moved as a single parent to a new location for a good job and independent life away from ex. Problem is, 5 years on I still really haven't found a tribe. Time is limited to socialise and getting out in the evenings is difficult for obvious reasons. Would I b u and give up and go back to where I used to live, get a job to tide me over (earning far less) or should I try harder?

Our DD moved away (overseas) for a very good career offer nearly 4 years ago and found when visiting, she had difficulty in keeping chat up with a couple of good friends as they had nothing in common/led completely different lives.

she is nearly at the point she set herself to decide if she is going to move back or stay on more permanently where she is.

so in summary what I say to her and to you is it’s never the same to go back. Everything changes and you cannot go back to 100% of how things were before. Nice to visit etc but time doesn’t stand still for anyone.

if you have a great job and your children settled and happy without their previous friends (because this equally affects them as well) perhaps look at other ideas such has already been suggested to get you out and about in your new community.

good luck.

The "tribe" thing makes me wither inside.

I have several very, very good friends. I don't have a "tribe" (if this means a big gaggle of women to drink Prosecco with). The thought is anathema to me.

OP, it shouldn't be too hard to make a few friends. They don't have to be part of the same "friendship group" (this also makes me want to curl up and die, because I'm not 11). They can just be individual people, male or female, who you get on with and with whom you enjoy spending time.

It’s really not necessary to be quite so snotty - the OP obviously had a group of friends where she lived before and there’s nothing wrong with aspiring to that again. The association with groups of women and drinking Prosecco is entirely of your own misogynistic construction

I really can’t believe how horrible some people are being on here. The OP just wants some like minded friends, some people need people and don’t want to feel lonely. Loneliness can be a terrible thing, especially as a single parent. Some people don’t need anybody at all …It’s fine to feel either way or somewhere in between.
If you feel differently you don’t need to be snooty and rude about someone else’s needs. Just don’t bother posting.

When I was younger every time I moved, I found a tribe, and believe me it becomes dull after a while. People are people wherever you are, just find things to develop resilience, and chillax. It sounds like you have a nice life already.

The association with groups of women and drinking Prosecco is entirely of your own misogynistic construction

Nope. It's because the kind of woman who talks about finding a tribe is on the whole a particular type of woman. There's nothing wrong with this: we are all different and all have different ways of having friends (a "tribal" type of woman would probably think I was being weird for being a lone wolf). But it's silly to say that I have constructed this particular trope.

Gosh - there are a lot of sneery and unpleasant responses for such an innocuous post.

Op- I understand what you mean. I once moved for work and, after 5 years, I moved again because I found it much harder to build friendships in the new place than I had ever done previously (or since). It was socially, culturally and politically very different from what I was used to/preferred so, even though I met some nice people, I never felt that I had much in common with them.

Be honest with yourself about whether it's your life stage, mindset or the location itself that is the barrier here. If life stage/mindset, then many of the suggestions on here are great but sometimes it is just that a place isn't right for you. In my case, I regret not throwing in the towel sooner.

I come to england 10 years ago. Up until now i dont find my “tribe” here. But life is good. Money good. Education good. So for my family i choose to stay.

This. Perfectly plain what the OP meant.

I understand this. There are a handful of parents that I hardly ever see at school drop off/pick up as they drop their children off early (at breakfast club) and pick them up later, and or can't hang around to chat due to the fact they have to 'speed' off to get to work. Only ever see them once or twice a year. This must be really hard, as I think it's probably your best bet of meeting people you have something in common with.
As others have mentioned, bite the bullet and get a babysitter, ask the other parents in the Whatsapp chat to recommend one. You could join the PTA, a local book club (I joined mine virtually in lockdown and have met some nice people). Go swimming or to an exercise/dance/art class regularly, so you can make connections. My OH has become a volunteer at cubs where our child goes, he's meet a few new parents there.
It's really hard. I am not a single parent but moved from my home town 10 years ago, just before I had my first child. Knew not one person here, met a few other mums, but one of them has now moved away (split from her partner, gone back to her home town and is loving being back with her old group of friends again). The other is a teacher so hardly get to see her, except for the summer hols. We then moved again, 6 years ago, not too far but far enough to lose some local connections. I recently started going for a walk with another Mum who has a similar aged toddler, straight after school drop off once a week, and we have started to build up a nice friendship that I hope lasts. It's hard seeing your old friends doing stuff. My two old friends from my home town (we used to be a threesome, if you know what I mean, would meet up 3-4 times a yearor so after I left), went abroad for a long weekend without telling or asking me (I saw the photo's online, which hurt). They said afterwards that they thought I wouldn't want to leave my young child- I didn't but it would've been nice to be asked. They recently had a weekend away in a touristy place only about 30 mins away from where I live now. I again found out about it online and was really upset, cried on an off for a few days (we have been friends since we were 11) but I have tried to come to terms with it and focus on making new friends here.
Good luck, it is hard putting yourself out there but go for it.

Hii👋,

l would say the fact that your asking means you already know 💛. You need to do what makes YOU happy… What gives you hope, meaning, and purpose in your life.

Life’s waayyy too short to stay anywhere that you feel lonely, or not included. Even though you mentioned you don’t have much time, it’s still nice to have options right?!

Listen to your intuition hun and you won’t go far wrong!!

Hope this gives you a bit of food for thought xo

It’s really not necessary to be quite so snotty - the OP obviously had a group of friends where she lived before and there’s nothing wrong with aspiring to that again. The association with groups of women and drinking Prosecco is entirely of your own misogynistic construction

Yep perhaps I have been spoiled with the groups of people I was friends with before. We never drank prosecco (more like coffee or gin or had Sunday lunch together) and would just talk and debate stuff whilst the kids played. I have moved to a slightly more Conservative area perhaps. But I'm sure there are groups doing what I used to do in my old place and I do get FOMO.

I stand by my use of the word tribe. It's nothing to do with going out and getting pissed but it is about hanging out with a group of grownups on a weekend whilst your kids play at one of your houses and not feeling awkward or judged. Values are similar and you feel comfortable being the real you.

I have several very, very good friends. I don't have a "tribe" (if this means a big gaggle of women to drink Prosecco with). The thought is anathema to me.

Absolutely fascinating. And the relevance to the OP is….?

As for the word ‘tribe’, I’ve seen it used many times on here, e.g. when reassuring parents of children who are having friendship issues - as in, ‘don’t worry, I’m sure s/he’ll find his/her tribe when s/he moves to secondary/uni’.

In any case, I’m sure the OP has now got the memo that many of you disapprove of the word ‘tribe’. Maybe people can try focusing on the actual issue now unless the sneering is just too much fun to give up on yet.

@Somethingyesterday

"a weekend of dry stone walling on a taught course. "

This is the most random advice I've ever read on mumsnet!

I mean I get your point over all but random!

Some lovely advice on here though. Thank you 🙏

Also just to clarify, I actually prefer a mixed sex /gender tribe to an all female one. So all these posts about groups of prosecco drinkers are a massive stereotype.

I completely understand how you feel. It sounds like you are doing really well and I think the social life will become easier as your children get older. I moved from a city to a more rural location and where I used to have lots of friends now have few locally. If it wasn't for my partner and how well the children have settled I would probably move back to a city. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be as a single parent so I get you. Good luck with whatever you decide!

London was the easiest place to make friends in my experience. That's where all these WhatsApp groups and meeting mums at the school gates are. And maybe in some other "London expat" areas.

London mums talk like it's the norm everywhere. It really is not.

That's one of the main things I miss about London - meeting other adults one morning and being round theirs by the evening. Pizza, wine, adults chatting, laughing, kids running amok. Lovely.

Lovely and without any need to join PTA or church choir 🙄

I have a “tribe” and - shock horror - it came from mums I met on the school playground 😱. Pure luck, but there’s a few of us that had kids the same age that got on well, plus connected others, plus the husbands / partners get on… it’s great. We do meet up for beers, but also it provides company for dog walks, house key holding, favour asking, local gossip sharing - all the important things. I’m very grateful for it especially as I didn’t know anyone when we moved in 10 years ago, and now I feel very settled.

I totally understand why you want a tribe of your own, and I hope you find one.

(I don’t understand all the “I don’t need anyone” types.)

@tallbirduk
That sounds lovely!

I’m going to go against the grain and say I know what you mean by tribe. I think the main issue with having children (at least for me) is being so time poor. It’s hard to get out. I think the advice of joining lots of groups is a good idea. But I think both you (and I!) need to except we’re never going to have the kind of close nit friends we had in our 20s and early 30s. Just get out and socialise as much as you can.

If by "tribe" you mean friends who share a similar sense of humour, cultural references, outlook on life, interests, level of education etc then I know exactly what you mean. I've moved continents, cities, and towns and jobs countless times and I'm still nostalgic for the group of friends I had in secondary school and in my early 20s where we all just "got" each other. As an adult I've made new thousands of new acquaintances but only one who I would say fits that description - and she now lives 250 miles away. I met her through a shared sport so all the advice you're getting about joining a social interest group is a good starting point.

My job is all short term contracts and I find that the people I work with are the closest I have to a tribe because of our shared experiences. The rest of the time, even when I socialise with people locally, I feel a real disconnect which I actively work to overcome.

Making those really close friendships as an adult is hard and I really envy people who have managed to keep all the friends they had at uni, or whatever. But if the rest of your life is good where you are, I would keep trying. Even if you make a real connection with one or two people, that's all the tribe you need.

When my son joined the Beavers, they needed help so I volunteered. It was a great way to meet people, leaders, parents etc with out needing a babysitter.

Just a quicker way to say friendship group.

Its really sad how so many on here don’t have even one group of friends. I guess physical location is part of it.
I was at a party this weekend and it was clear the host had many, many groups of friends. School mum friends that she went on holiday with, book club friends that she went on holiday with, old Uni friends that she went to visit. And what was great was that lots of the women sort of knew each other from various places so it felt very connected. No cliques.

I get what you mean by tribe and why you want it. Having a tribe is just easier all round I think. It's much more time consuming trying to keep up a handful of scattered one to one friendships than have a group you can get together every so often.

I also get that joining groups isn't always going to be the same thing, if you don't really gel with people the fact that you're all sitting round the same table at the same time doesn't change anything.

Obviously you've got to consider the whole picture before moving, the getting a babysitter and trying stuff out option is going to be cheaper though.