To give up after 5 years of not finding a tribe

[Crocsandshocks]

Name changed for this. 5 years ago I moved as a single parent to a new location for a good job and independent life away from ex. Problem is, 5 years on I still really haven't found a tribe. Time is limited to socialise and getting out in the evenings is difficult for obvious reasons. Would I b u and give up and go back to where I used to live, get a job to tide me over (earning far less) or should I try harder?

I’m obv out of touch and old but wtf is a tribe

Dont open that can of worms!

I already asked that way back and got shot down for 'pretending' I didnt know what it was

Im still not clear to be honest, it sounds like friends but it hasnt been confirmed.

Social media is not reality so please do not base life choices on it. It is literally full of people just showing others what they want them to see.
if I was you I’d stay were i am & keep trying. I’ve always been a loner but have made some good friends since my kiddo, now 10yrs old, went to school. There are only 3 of us & we don’t go out out but we often meet for breakfast or lunch & defos do play dates. When our kids are older we’ll do more grown up stuff. Out, out is beyond me most of the time due to disabilities but I’ll try to be part of stuff like that to the point I can.

I totally sympathise OP as I’m in a similar position, only difference is I’m not a single parent so that must be extra tough. I’ve seen a life coach recently (for various reasons) and she has really made me look at WHY I want a group of friends. I mentioned watching sitcoms like Friends and SATC and she made me realise for most people that’s just unrealistic and just because I haven’t yet found a few close knit friends in my area, doesn’t mean I never will. I need to stop almost obsessing over it and just go with the flow - funnily enough the day after the life coach I had a really lovely chat with a couple of school mums in the park and arranged a picnic next week. We might get on well, we might not, but I’m going with the flow and feel much more relaxed about it. Sending un-mumsnetty hugs 🌸

I hate the idea of a tribe.

@69yummYMummy420 Not everyone has such the luxury of working less hours. Can’t believe your only contribution to this thread was to lay the blame with OP.

I understand @Crocsandshocks it really isn’t easy making friends when you are working and a single parent. Do your children attend clubs that you could maybe see if there was group on at the same time? I used to go to the gym when my son was in Cubs. It’s only now my son has his teen years that things have got a bit easier. I would say to hang in there. I think now restrictions have relaxed, people will be wanting to socialised more and groups will be starting up.

It is hard. I got pregnant young meaning I lost most of my friends as they began careers and I began parenting. I’m still struggling to find my tribe which is even harder as a single parent than it was when I had a husband in the picture. Maybe there should be a match.com type service for mums looking for friends to match up some things in common, location, etc 😂 I think I would actually try that. Anyone in the Hampshire area in need of tribe members?

When you say you haven't found your "tribe" what do you mean by that? I have lots of scattered friends in different groups, I also have associates (eg school mums, who are friends but more just by circumstances, rather than just friends). I don't have a tight group, well not that lives close, my uni pals are probably the ones I am closest to but we are scattered all over the country now, we have a long established whatsapp chat we chat on everyday. I would never move my life/job trying to find friends, the thing is many people in long established circles aren't looking for people to join, I think most people make friends and eventually become close pals in a more organic way, rather than going out looking for friends. Your best bet is to join hobby type groups, a sport or whatever you happen to be into, then you find people with things in common. Don't move and leave a good job, you might not find your "tribe" there either and give up a good job for nothing.

@DanceItOut it's called peanut, it does exist. I joined when I was pregnant with my last child, lots of mums looking for friends (you can search by location like a dating app), have a look (it isnt just for pregnant women, lots of women with young children are on there looking for friends).

@Crocsandshocks I hear ya ! I spent 15 years living 100's of miles away from my hometown and in all that time I never really found my kind of people. I made a few friends of course but I moved back to my home town eventually about 2 1/2 years ago and often think about how much better life is now that I'm seeing old mates again plus I've made a few new ones.
During that 15 years I went through real lows of wanting to move back and everyone thought I was nuts to even consider it because of what they perceived to be a better living situation where I was.
I wouldn't say give up though. You've had some brilliant ideas here for ways that you might finally find your group, give yourself til, say, the end of the year and see how things are then, maybe ?
One final thought, years ago a friend of mine found herself in this exact situation and took out a small ad in her local paper to see if there were other women that were looking for friendship - it worked and she's been friends with a great bunch of ladies for years now !

You say you see what you’re missing out on ‘back home’ but how involved in that would you actually be?
as a side note this whole ‘tribe’ thing is a social media ridiculous notion and YABU for using the term 😄😂

Ditch Facebook. Comparison is the thief of joy!

Wow, OP. Big mistake using the word ‘tribe’!

If you really don’t have enough imagination to figure out what it means, it just means like-minded people. Or, if you want to go further back in time, Anne (of Green Gables) would have said ‘kindred spirits’.

It just means friends.

And the OP isn’t being unreasonable to want that.

Never heard of a tribe and I'm 33, I actually thought you were going to say you've been out in the woods in the middle of the night looking for a group of people wearing feather hats, leaves as skirts and red stripes on their cheeks out of interest in a so called tribe but have not found them. I genuinely thought that 🤣

Certainly not unreasonable to want that, i said as much in my first post on this thread

I still dont get why that is described as a tribe, I hadnt heard of this. Why isnt she just saying she would like some friends? I still dont really get why this word is being used and I do feel (as someone else pointed out earlier in the thread) its quite an inappropriate word to use.

How far do you live from your home town?

If I were you I would enjoy the lifestyle and security your good job gives you and use some of your extra cash to visit home and friends regularly!

I’ve lived away from ‘home’ for many years and ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’.
I love meeting up with my home friends, it’s always a real treat. Not sure we’d feel quite the same if we saw each other every few days! 🤣

I will admit to feeling really stupid as I read the thread, I thought it was some sort of game thing, like a paintballing thing but with people or something, geocaching with people.

@bellac11 🤣🤣 I think our ideas sound more fun than basic friends anyway!

Also OP just to add I have just separated from DH and grew apart from friends after having kids and now I literally have 2 friends that might aswel not be,no offence as they either are wrapped up in their own world or just don't reply because apparently according to Facebook its OK for friends to not speak and be low maintenance and just pick up like nothing changed months later 🙄 my so called good friend didn't even wish my kids a happy birthday and gave abit of support when I told her about my marriage break up but I suppose my break up just disappearedi into thin air as she can't be arsed to even ask how I am months later, sorry been holding that in. Sometimes I stare at my phone bored and think I literally have nobody friendwise to msg so you are not alone

Claiming that white people using the word ‘tribe’ is racist is one of the dumbest things I’ve read on here this week, and believe me, the competition is fierce. And this endless ‘what does it mean’ is ridiculous. It’s clear both from what the OP is saying and others have said what is meant. And ‘ooh, I’ve found my tribe’ is a very frequent response here to finding that others like the same things as you. This site is soon going to drown under the weight of its earnest stupidity.

Try much harder.
As Steve Harvey says: When you're driving a car, you look through the windscreen to get the bigger picture of the road ahead and determine where you are going. You don't look through the rear view mirror to look at what has passed, only to see what might be coming to overtake you.
I echo that advice.

OP
do you mean your old tribe is in the previous place?

i used to have a tribe and miss it terribly. But I wouldn't go back and give up stuff unless they're there and ready to have you back.

I moved abroad when dd was little and knew no-one. It can be done though but it takes real effort at the beginning. You have to join in with things, and go out of your comfort zone and meet people you might not 100% gel with but eventually as your circle expands it gets easier and easier. It does take time and a bit of resilience. Try to get a reliable babysitter and join that gym/book club/look on FB for local meet up groups/volunteer for something. There will be set backs and disillusionment but it will come.

Is there a kid in your kid’s class at school that has an older sibling that could babysit for you?

Or sign your kid up for beavers/cubs/rainbows/brownies, something like that. The meetings are 1-1.5 hours in the evenings, you could go to some sort of evening class when it’s on? A fitness class or art class or something. I go to Pilates and cos it’s a small class, everyone chats and it’s lovely. Brownies etc has the advantage of the odd night away at camps!

I have a few (many 3) people I would ring in a crisis and have belly laughs with but definitely not a tribe and all from different areas and times of my life… I feel most like I have a tribe in a hobby I do, we don’t meet up outside the hobby though

Have you tried joining the local Facebook group and asking on there? I know a few people local to me who have done that and lots of others replied. In one case they then arranged a big meet up and went from there.

You could also use the local group to find a babysitter, or ask at work if anyone has a teenage child who wants the cash…

My mum was a single parent and she joined a group called gingerbread which was just for single parents and made some good friends through that.