To give up after 5 years of not finding a tribe

[Crocsandshocks]

Name changed for this. 5 years ago I moved as a single parent to a new location for a good job and independent life away from ex. Problem is, 5 years on I still really haven't found a tribe. Time is limited to socialise and getting out in the evenings is difficult for obvious reasons. Would I b u and give up and go back to where I used to live, get a job to tide me over (earning far less) or should I try harder?

I've found my "tribes" through activities, usually those that involve time away together. Fortunately one of them is a youth group activity, so family-friendly. The other main one predates family life, but we do re-connect easily.

I've made some pleasant aquaintances at things like pregancy groups/ school gates, but nothing meaningful that lasts beyond being in the same place/ situation at the same time.

I've never found drinks be it coffee or alcohol to be a way of finding bonds with people, it's easier to make connections through an activity.

People weren’t questioning it though. Questioning it would look like this -

What type of thing are you looking for op? A big group of friends or more just a few people to become close to?

What was actually posted was

I didn’t understand any of that. Good luck anyway.

Ewwww yabu to use the word tribe.

Can’t respond due to the word tribe how tacky.

It’s not questioning, it’s just trying to make someone look stupid. I hate it. It’s so nasty and pointless, since if you need clarification there’s a polite way to ask and if you really can’t conceptualise what the op might have meant then you’re free just to find another thread to post on.

I think ‘finding your tribe’ means finding like-minded people to hang out with. That’s my guess. I totally get it as I have not found mine yet ( moved 7 years ago) Everyone here is very nice but totally different way of thinking to me and I would not want to socialise with them, fine to chat at school gates but not to get a bit tipsy with on a night out. I miss my old friends but just invite them over more and they stay for the weekend so probably get to see them more that I used to when we lived in the same city.

Everyone here is very nice but totally different way of thinking to me and I would not want to socialise with them, fine to chat at school gates but not to get a bit tipsy with on a night out.

Yes exactly.

Volunteer for beavers scouts cubs etc

I find that I feel connected a bit more.

im in your exact situation.

im joining a thriving tennis club

Yes this!!

It’s hard relocating, I have done it twice as an adult and not as a single parent with must be exceptionally difficult.

Regarding the school gate, obviously most people don’t want to actually reveal their true form which is why a lot of school gate chat is very safe stuff and pretty dull. If at any point you can steer a conversation and attempt to actually see more of the actual person then try that. I have never really worried about people thinking I’m nice, I think many women suffer with that hang up.

I did find two school gate Mums I got on really well with have known them for 15 years. I also met friends through a voluntary group, nothing like a shared passion .

I think a lot of people are looking for friends and connections post Covid.

As you are single it might be useful to find other single parents too who can be mutually supportive. What about searching on Facebook groups for singles near me and just message for friendship? Xx

It’s completely reasonable to want a tribe. I don’t understand why people are saying they don’t understand. We are wired for connection and if you feel you aren’t getting that then you probably need to try harder (or move if you’re trying and nit finding it). It doesn’t arrive from nowhere sadly. If the job pays well then get a babysitter and join some local clubs or invite school mums back after school….. or whatever it takes.

Haven't read the whole thread but my daughter reached out on Facebook and found 2 great friends locally that were in a similar position to her.

Money is extremely important. As is a good pension that comes with a good job. Don't give that up for a dream of going back home. Friendship groups there will have moved on

I have no tribe and have never had or wanted one. I have got a couple of good friends here but it wouldn't stop me moving. I am not sure how moving back will give you more time to socialise? I also think you might be experiencing an after effect of covid....not having it but the interruption it caused to all our lives.

Did you leave behind a really strong social network that you could engage in while a mother? And do you still have strong connections to those people?

I think a lot of people have made very valid points about your life stage and single parenthood being issues that won't change if you move back. And that dropping your income is rarely helpful when you're trying to develop a social life as a single parent. But strong friendships with people geographically close who can be a support at whatever stage of life you're at are also incredibly valuable. Is that what you'd have if you moved back?

If not, or if it's a bit of a gamble, I think it would probably not be a good idea, you will likely have the same issues, but less money, if you move back. But if that is what's available it might be worth exploring more.

As a single parent, I would stay where the money is best.

I feel you OP - I don’t even have any friends, not a soul . Don’t get me wrong , I “know” people who are scattered all over the U.K. and if I offered to come and visit they’d welcome me with open arms , but that’s it .
no one to call for a chat , no one to even go for a coffee with .
years ago I had a “tribe” but then I relocated and never found anything like it again, we’d all met through pre school and school . I had a handful of friends where I moved to but when my marriage broke down they dropped me like a stone .
I relocated a few years ago and being in my fifties and a single mum of teens life is lonely . I’ve just accepted it now ,
I don’t know how old your children are but is getting a baby sitter an option so you can go for work drinks ?

Yo can't stop to chat at the school gates but can you fit in a 'my DD gets on well with your, shall we meet at the park on Saturday? I would look at child friendly activities at your nearest library. They often offer a range of free stuff eg puppet show, book club for DC of primary age, coding club etc allowing you to grab a coffee.

Pressed post too soon !
I wouldn’t re locate in your shoes ,it’s a tough one but the impact on your income etc may end up making things feel worse

Loneliness is a thing and it’s horrible to handle. But yeah, I don’t have a tribe either and perfectly happy that way…I have different friends that I see in different areas.

Social media is literally designed to make you feel bad about your own life. All you ever see is the best and worst of what’s happening to people, not the daily grind. Absolutely certain your mates back home are all looking at it as well and thinking much the same thing about missing out.

The advice on here is good - go and carve out a bit of time to yourself at something that interests you and you’ll slowly meet new people :) Good luck!

Also fitmums.org.uk/ they are child/buggy friendly. I was talking to someone the other day and they can make small grants to buy trainers or a sports bra if cost is a barrier to exercise.

i mean sounds like a you problem honestly, why did ex break up with you? maybe less work more social bits would be easier if you allocated proper time, i find it easy.

Fucking hell, there's a lot of cunts on this thread. The OP used the word tribe, FFS, it's fairly obvious she means a group of friends/people she fits in with. She sounds lonely and fed up and the first thing lots of posters want to do is be snippy. Nasty.

As for the appropriation dig, come the fuck on 🙄

How far are you from your old home? If your old friends are good friends then can you not visit them? Or have them come to you?

This idea of a "tribe", available at your beck and call, is a social media construct/myth. Pictures tagged with it usually consist of beautiful white people clones with flowing locks, identical teeth, too much fake tan and less than 12 months in age between them all.
Reality isn't like that. If I got my 4 closest friends all together, we'd look like a right motley bunch!

Church
Political Party
Choir
Drama
National Women's Register
Voluntary Groups
Painting class
Classic car club
Gardening
Cookery course

How many have you tried op?

Wow I think this is the most ridiculous post I’ve ever read.

OP I know exactly what you mean. I think you need to make a bigger effort for a while but if it doesn’t work maybe a move back could be a good move. There’s more to life than a wage. Good friends are so important!