To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

Well, thank heavens for that! A serious talk always cures alcoholics and problem drinkers!

It's not like I'm harassing him.
I've text him twice in 5 hours (but texts were close together at beginning for night for related things).

Is everyone else he is out with also problem drinkers?

My ex was like this. Binge drinking is being an alcoholic. I know the feeling of walking on egg shells.
You are not doing anything wrong.

I have to admit I don't look at my phone very often when I'm out with friends because I am enjoying myself with them. I don't think your text in this instance is unreasonable at all OP.

I have, along with many people I know, also been very drunk. I've never lost control of my bodily functions - not once. In fact I've never heard of this happening outside of MN. That's the part that's not ok, OP. It really isn't.

How beautiful to spot a DARVO in the wild like this.

@Youcansaythatagainandagain - the DH asked OP to stay in touch - he told her he wanted to prove he was being sensible for a change.
It's controlling & manipulative behaviour to make promises you are not going to keep, to dangle false hope of improvement, then leave your spouse at home disappointed in your fakery & backsliding.
He's resorting to ignoring her because he's shitfaced & knows he's fucked up - not in response to her staying in touch like he asked her.

OP's done sod-all wrong, & isn't the one pissing & puking everywhere. She just wants to vent. Why not let her, or if you have vexation to spare, save it for her piss-soaked H?

Wondering what a theoretical DH would do should he had to hold his wife's hair over the loo twice a month once she had returned plastered at 7am...
Then she'd piss on the carpet next to the potted plants and roll into the bed for the rest of the weekend.
She'd be grumpy on the Sunday eve over the fact someone had swiped her (8th) phone at the bar (no love, it's in the bushes where you were vomin').

I think the theoretical DH would go on dadsnet to tell everyone what a great wife & mother she is.

@milkyaqua
It's not about curing an alcoholic; you can't!

It's about letting the alcoholic know how their behaviour impacts everyone else and devising a plan to either cope with the drinking, removing the triggers, or stopping the drinking.

And he won't either while the OP is making excuses for him.

He doesn't need to unless she raises her expectations.

"Great husband" (seriously?!?!)

"Very hands on with the kids" (Good...errr they're his kids, this is the least one expects from any father or mother)

"Helps out in the house" (Helps?? It's his home)

"We get on great and have a laugh all the time" (Again, the least one would expect when they've chosen someone to marry).

All these completely normal/mundane things does not give him a licence to drink to the point he's pissing and puking everywhere.

It's not about curing an alcoholic; you can't!

I was being sarcastic.

I completely understand OP. My husband is an alcoholic in recovery. He was never a "classic" alcoholic and could go days or weeks without a drink, but also lacked that stop button when he did drink. He could have nights out and be fine but I was always always worried he wouldn't be. Due to your DHs history, you assume the worst when he doesn't text. I was the same. We have had some really, really bad incidents over the years. It came to a head recently with another awful incident and I told him he needed to stop drinking or I'd leave him. He has been sober 4 months. It's early days but the weight lifted is immense.

People who are saying just let him have his night out, I don't expect my partner to text etc have probably never lived with an alcoholic. That feeling of worry the second they pick up a drink or say they are going out drinking, that knot in your stomach not knowing how bad it will be and when (if) they will make it home. It's awful. I hear you OP.

I'd say you're the unpleasant one @edel2
You've branded the OP annoying, manipulative and a martyr. That's quite some description for someone you've never met.

I was aware...

Admittedly I go out more often than he does. I drink. I get drunk. But I'm never sick, and I've always answered any texts. If DH texts me about DC (which doesn't always happen) I reply.

Cause Ya know -I'm their mother and I'm
Genuinely interested in them even if I'm with friends having a drink

@KettrickenSmiled

OP texting unnecessarily and DH being a piss soaked waste of space are not mutually exclusive things!

Plus, in his addled state it's pointless to even expect a reply? He can't even respond to his own bodily functions!

Stop texting/fretting and start making a plan! (whatever that may be to those who just can't LTB).

Nobody wants to be harassed by text messages from the other half on a rare night out.

Apart from OP's H @MissMaple82 - who specifically asked OP to text him so he could reassure her he was taking it easy.

Yeah, agree. I'm interested too and the style of texts you describe are ones that would be totally normal in our relationship.
It's unfair on you to be on edge fearing what he might do because he goes too far though.

Didn't seem like it!

@QueenCamilla he's not a pissed soaked wast of space. Luckily for him he has far more redeeming qualities than not.

Doesn't mean I can't be slightly annoyed at this situation or not not though.

Genuinely gobsmacked that some posters are okay with a level of drunkenness that involves vomiting and pissing yourself. Is that a normal weekend for you?

It is extremely rare that I get a night or even an hour out. DH has a tendency to text me updates that I really don’t need. He doesn’t understand why I want to truly be off the clock.

i don’t think you should expect constant contact. I do think we owe it to our partners to tell them what time we expect to be home and to update them if there are any deviations to that plan. We should also return home in a reasonable state, without risk of losing bodily fluids because we aren’t teenagers anymore who don’t know how to moderate our consumption. When there are kids involved, we also need to be fully functional by the next morning or the next parenting shift unless that has been negotiated in advance as part of the outing and accounted for the in the quid pro quo of both partners getting free time.

the texting during though, I really just don’t think that should be a requirement except for at least serious time sensitive questions.

Anyway, all is well, as the OP's H has texted back. A polite problem drinker is cool, apparently. And is a sort of drip-spew, the OP is justifying his drinking problem by adding that she goes out and she gets drunk. But she answers texts.

Agree with what you're saying Milky.

By minimising his behaviour the OP is in effect enabling his excessive drinking.

@Starlia

"Those sort of texts would be normal in our relationship"
Do any of you two get blind drunk though?

OP is setting herself up for a disappointment if she expects replies. Might as well ask him to do a headstand.

The drink is the issue. The man can't drink. He has to stop. I don't think he'll stop. And as a result, he won't text.
What now?

@marshmallowbooks
Luckily for him, he's got you!