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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 07/05/2022 00:50

Can you not ask him to get a hotel room for nights like this? Takes the pressure off you both that way. I probably wouldn’t look at my phone too much when out and even if I did to make sure no disasters, may not respond as there to socialise

edel2 · 07/05/2022 00:51

AntiHop · 07/05/2022 00:50

@edel2 you're being really unpleasant to the op.

It's called honesty. She asked for an opinion on whether she should chill or not. She should chill.

And you've just been rather unpleasant to me.

kittenkipping · 07/05/2022 00:52

I think the some of the replies are bizarre ! Of course she text her husband, who is her life partner best friend and the other parent of the child that child had chicken pox! Op has described a relationship where texts are frequent and often benign (though this one wasn't imo, I would WANT to know that what could have been anything : and op and husband have been worrying about her being off: was nothing too serious. It would comfort me as a parent, and make my night out better) dh and I text one another all day and text updates when we each have time away. For us that's normal and it seems for the op it is too.

Op yanbu. If for nothing else, he behaved appallingly last time , you were presumably hugely negatively impacted (bodily fluids😫) and made promises this time to re assure you it won't repeat. His behaviour and his actions are at odds. His actions (not keeping in touch) speak louder than his words (I'll keep in touch , I won't over do it) and of course you're now doubting that he's not getting increasingly pissed and useless as his promises and reassurances appear to have fallen at the first (self imposed!) hurdle

Bobbinatomic · 07/05/2022 00:52

I get it. Mine used to piss and shit the bed and be sick after a big night out. It’s disgusting. He’d be apologetic but not sorry enough to stop the binge drinking. I’m so happy we’re divorced.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 00:52

@edel2 I don't know how I'm so annoying? I told him DD had CP. I would expect the same text from him if the tables were turned. Did I want him to come home? No. Would he want me to come home? No. Do we inform each other if our children when they are ill ? Yes.

Did I expect him to acknowledge my text? Yes.

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 07/05/2022 00:52

I text him one hour after he left and he didn't drink before he left so he would t have been drunk when I told him DD had CP.

Severely missing the point.

In any case, he probably has his phone off or muted or is ignoring it, as his intention is to drink himself senseless. I think that is your problem (and obviously his problem) not his phone etiquette. Also, unless you are a fly on the wall you have no idea how much he drinks in that first hour or what if anything else (substance-wise) is involved.

AntiHop · 07/05/2022 00:53

I'd be pissed off. He's behaving like q teenager.
Fwiw there is nothing wrong with the chicken pox text. I'd want to know if it was me, and I'd come home.

worraliberty · 07/05/2022 00:53

Why the fuck is everyone talking about chicken pox?

Whilst I think the text was unnecessary as the child is fine, has no high temp and hasn't noticed the spots, it's more puzzling that the OP thought her DH was going to care while he's drinking like a school boy who's just discovered alcopops.

Indoorcatmum · 07/05/2022 00:54

LOL at some of the responses here.
He SPECIFICALLY told OP to keep in touch to prove he had changed.
She sent a quick message about their child...

He hasn't kept his end of things, he is showing that he hasn't made any growth.
I would be annoyed on many levels.
A quick text back saying "thanks for letting me know, love you"... Is hardly going to take away from or ruin his night.

OP, you're not annoying, you've done nothing wrong and your expectations are extraordinarily realistic.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 00:55

@kittenkipping thank you - needed to hear that!! What you have said is spot on.

He's replied btw x

OP posts:
OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 00:55

OP you need to get some sleep and think positively that he always manages to make his way home in one piece.

Tomorrow you can have a serious talk with him about his drink problem and its impact on your family. And yes, you worrying is having a detrimental affect - would you normally be awake worrying at 2 o'clock in the morning?

MissMaple82 · 07/05/2022 00:55

Leave the poor bloke to enjoy himself! Nobody wants to be harassed by text messages from the other half on a rare night out. So whst if he gets messy, he's won't be the only one to get shitfaced once in a while.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 00:57

If he wants the single 'lad' life... let him have it.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 00:58

@Indoorcatmum that is for going agains the Mumsnet grain 🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 00:58

*thanks for

OP posts:
OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 00:58

And who is cleaning up after him? Will it fall on the OP?

SD1978 · 07/05/2022 00:59

Bit of both. He's an adult, needing to keep in touch is a bit needy. But if there is something that needs acknowledged then he should reply.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 00:59

@OhLordyWhatNow we've already had that serious talk

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 01:00

MissMaple82 · 07/05/2022 00:55

Leave the poor bloke to enjoy himself! Nobody wants to be harassed by text messages from the other half on a rare night out. So whst if he gets messy, he's won't be the only one to get shitfaced once in a while.

Poor bloke??? Wtaf 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 01:00

@OhLordyWhatNow he doesn't want a single lad life.

OP posts:
QueenCamilla · 07/05/2022 01:01

OP, your texting behaviour is properly, off-puttingly annoying.

If my Oh was out for the night I'd be glad to not hear from them and glad to not bother them.

However, your DHs drunk behaviour would make my undercarriage shrivel up forever. Yuck.
I've left a boyfriend who lost his luggage, dodged a cab fare and then left his belongings on the train on three separate occasions whilst drunk. There is something so deeply unappealing in a man who can't handle his drink (But still chooses to drink! )

I'd LTB (wouldn't know to suggest what you should do OP, cause I don't get at all how your mind works).

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 01:01

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 00:59

@OhLordyWhatNow we've already had that serious talk

And yet he hasn't taken it onboard or respect you and the family enough to do something about it.

NumberTheory · 07/05/2022 01:02

If it wasn’t for the vomit and piss, etc. I’d think you were being unreasonable and a bit controlling expecting to be in touch, have him come home exactly when he said he would, etc.. It’s a night out and I can see, with all the other organizing and extracting assurances that you’re doing that he wouldn’t want to answer the texts unless it was something he needed to come back home for immediately. It does sound controlling and infantilising. So long has he’s cleared you looking after the kids until x time and he’s sober and capable of looking after them when he’s next supposed to be, I would normally think you should just chill. But if I had someone who came home and pissed and threw up on things when they went out, I’d probably be doing my best to minimize that happening too. So I do understand why you’re doing that.

But here’s the thing…It’s not working. All this getting him to agree and texting him and checking where he is, none of it is having an impact on the choices he makes when he goes out or, it would seem, much of an impact on his sober choice of whether to go out or not. Not even having kids has made him reassess what is, frankly, atrocious and disgusting behaviour.

I think your “doesn’t happen very often” is really quite often. By Monday you’re anticipating it will have been 4 times in less than a year. When you said “not very often” I was thinking maybe every couple of years. With kids in the house I wouldn’t find that acceptable. But every few months? That’s not something I’d want to live with at all, it will be damaging for your kids to see that as they grow up and I would expect a father of two young children to realise it was a huge problem too.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 01:02

He's thinking selfishly as a 'lad' not as a husband and father with responsibilities.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 07/05/2022 01:03

Who cleans up after these episodes where he throws up or pisses himself?

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