To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

Somebody needs to cancel the cheque ...
@QueenCamilla OP texted because he wanted her to.

I guess that was her plan - that her H had told her this time would be different (yeah I know) & he would be actively avoiding all the usual nonsense (yeah I know - but OP doesn't, yet).

Eventually, she'll realise that any form of words or upfront agreements he offers her about his binge drinking are worthless. She's not there yet, & it's pointless berating her for it. He'll either grow the fuck up, or he won't, & she'll either tolerate any continued bingeing, or she won't.

The texting - like the chicken pox - is a total red herring, I dunno why PP are fixating on it.

@Ponderingwindow I text him because DD has CP. I didn't text him to ask who he was with or when he would be home. Neither of our DC have had CP before so I think this is a fairly justifiable thing to inform your partner of.

I wouldn't have contacted him otherwise.

However, the pubs closed 35 mins ago and we are a 5 Min walk from the town centre so I guess he'll be home fairly soon

Hmmm

my husband can be like this

BUT

Our children are late teens or older

he does NOT come in and puke and pee everywhere

so perhaps not at all… only that he goes out and after a few forgets to text me, which is usually me wondering if he wants a lift. I’m a bit torn:an ill child deserves communication I guess??

Oh I agree with you. The texting is not really the issue here. It's the drunkenness that gets to the point of losing bodily functions on a semi-regular basis that shouldn't be minimised.

@milkyaqua can no one go out and get drunk without being a problem drinker?

Look I’ve probably drunk so much tonight alone mn would have the vapours; I’m neither going to spew nor wet myself. That’s a new level.

What you describe is not part of a normal drinking pattern. If it was okay, you would not be listing things like:

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone

However, now you are minimising his behaviour when drunk by saying, hey ho, I go out and get drunk sometimes too.

He has text.

I didn't say what he said though, or if it made me feel less anxious about his return home

People on here are full of shit.

So they'd be OK with their husband coming home regularly (every 6 weeks is regularly) pissing and vomiting all over the bed because they are so wasted? I call absolute BS.

And if you're happy to put up with that as women are repeatedly told on here 'Raise your bar'.

@Starlia
I think most of us (except OP seemingly) are in agreement here.
Just this side-fight has originated of texters vs non-texters.
It's a common fight me thinks! Wrong timing though!

@milkyaqua.

Me getting drunk and him getting drunk is irrelevant. I'm not t total and therefore I occasionally drink alcohol.

We drink together. Great. No Problem. One or two drinks In the house and that does us.

When he gets into the mess I describe....unfortunately he's rarely the one.

I d just spotted the “great husband” post. Ffs.

occasionally my husband pees on one of the toilet seats because he’s drunk. He cleans it up the next day. He may not reply to my text once out but he does not cover the house in his bodily fluids.

The ONLY one

But it doesn't matter what everyone else is doing. It matters what he is doing.

Me getting drunk and him getting drunk is irrelevant.

You used your getting drunk when you go out as a defence of him, OP.

Listen, you can keep twisting things as much as you want. Play the victim, be defensive, minimise, deny, excuse, rationalise. The fact remains your husband has a binge drinking problem.

He's not rational in his drinking behaviour, and you're not rational. I hope one of your heads clears up one day.

I'm genuinely lying here wondering whether he's being a dick, or I'm being a dick.

And no. I've not text him. Not for a few hours makes.

Errrrm.

It's him!

Thank you everyone for replying, regardless of your stance

Except those who were outright rude...nae need for that!

Genuinely don't think you are being a dick.

Try to get some sleep before the drunken mess turns up.

There's no need to worry about him, he's with friends and has made it home each time before now

Your DH really does have a binge drinking problem. The mess is bad, but so is the recovery time that eats into your family life. I think you both need to evaluate alcohol choices as a family. (I am saying this as someone who freely admits to drinking a glass of wine or g&t most nights too so there, MN!)

Thanks @Fraaahnces . To be fair he never lies about feeling sorry for himself
The next day. He'll get up and get on with the day. I think that's beside the point though when I'm up at 2am panicking about what kind of state he's going to come home in.

The pub closed 1 hour ago. It's a 5 min walk from our house...

Yes thank you, you've summarised it perfectly!

That is disgusting. Someone who isn't capable of regulating their drinks shouldn't drink in my opinion.

I have empathy from experience @marshmallowbooks . Mine went through “a phase” when we were first married. I told him that I hadn’t married the person he became when drunk. He had moderated his behaviour prior to that, and he had better start again. I didn’t like, trust or have any respect for what I had seen. I also told told him that I would rather be happy and single than married and miserable, so he had two choices - counseling or a solicitor.
That was nearly 20 years ago and while I haven’t seen that level of behaviour again, I still remind him. (I was pretty traumatized, I’ll admit.)