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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
Blarting · 08/05/2022 14:24

@tomatoandherbs you are far too invested in this thread, put the key board down.

Tigofigo · 08/05/2022 14:25

Didn't he promise not to drink again 6 weeks ago after puking in a pub?

Good luck is all I can say. It must be very hard for you to find him attractive after all this.

LookItsMeAgain · 08/05/2022 14:25

@marshmallowbooks - Well done on having the heart to heart. I honestly do hope, for your sake and the sake of your kids, that your DH does turn over a new leaf and become the husband and father and partner that you want him to be.

I also agree with the suggestions that @billy1966 and @OhLordyWhatNow have posted up thread.

Best of luck to you and your kids and your DH for the future.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 08/05/2022 14:28

Tigofigo · 08/05/2022 14:25

Didn't he promise not to drink again 6 weeks ago after puking in a pub?

Good luck is all I can say. It must be very hard for you to find him attractive after all this.

I promise I'll not get into a state like that again.

End of conversation.

A far cry to our conversation last night.

I'm the only one who can consider it all in context as I'm the only one who knows all the details. Other peoples input have definitely helped see things more realistically though.

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 14:39

marshmallowbooks · 08/05/2022 14:08

@tomatoandherbs but why? Why do you want/need to know that? Who will benefit from me telling the internet about a conversation that I had 6 weeks ago?

There are ways of putting a point across, and there are ways of asking further questions to help five advice and support.

And then there are people who are rude. Who sit behind their screens and have no filter, unable to be empathetic because their own options over ride everything else.

Today has been nice so far 👌

I have not been rude
i am a child of an adult soaked in alcohol
they died 12 years. Never met their grandchildren and my memory of them, despite loving them and knowing they loved me, is of them incoherent and staggering.

i only enquired about the con 6 weeks post legless/ puking / promising to change to see how it differed from the conversation last night

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 14:41

Ah ok you clarified above

ok - good luck op and all the best to you and your children. I mean that because nothing worse than seeing your beloved parent utterly out of control

springtimeishereagain · 08/05/2022 15:22

Op, I wish you all the best. I hope your h has taken this as a wake-up call and can change. 💐

PrinzessinCressida · 08/05/2022 15:39

Herejustforthisone · 08/05/2022 13:14

Some posters on here (🍅) are notorious for their demanding and relentless posts.

I truly think they expect an OP to roll over and say “yes, oh wonderful poster. Your aggressive and persistent posting style has made me see the light. You’re ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, and I’ve kicked him out and we are no more. I owe my life to you.”

This! And when OPs do not provide the entertainment they feel they're entitled to - by raising the stakes, issuing ultimatums, creating more drama - they react like spoilt children and attack and name-call. People would be better off sitting on a (leather) urine-soaked sofa than following a single word of some of the hysterical advice that regularly gets doled out here.

billy1966 · 08/05/2022 15:40

The OP was courageous to share the reality of living with someone whose drinking is now a real problem and a threat to their family unit.

There are always the mix of views, some super tolerant and cool, and others like mine that know if the OP was my daughter, I would be advising reading the riot act and to protect herself.

My daughters have a wonderful father and I want them to have the highest expectations going forward having been reared to expect it.

I think the OP has found her voice, and I like many, really commend her.

I hope she will show her husband that while she loves him dearly, and loves what they have built together, he is on borrowed time if he continues to disrespect her and their children.

I think @tomatoandherbs posts come from a very good place.
A voice of experience.

Whilst they may challenge the OP, they will have given her food for thought, and have value.

Many is the time I have heard strong views that have given me pause for thought.

OP, I think you come across as a great woman, who is a wonderful mother.

Irrespective of whether or not he steps up and does the right thing, your children are very lucky to have you.

He's a very lucky man.
You deserve the best.
Just make sure you get nothing less.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 08/05/2022 15:47

Thank you @billy1966 that means a great deal to me

OP posts:
tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 16:10

@billy1966
lovely post
thank you

User983590521 · 08/05/2022 16:22

I hope your DH commits to never drinking in company again, if not to completely never drinking again.
If he can have a civilised drink at home that's fine but he clearly can't control himself when he's out.

He needs to be definite about how he's going to change things.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/05/2022 17:28

@marshmallowbooks

I'm glad you had a serious talk and that he realizes his problem. But is he planning on seeking any type of treatment or counseling to help him stop altogether or learn to control his drinking?

Kite22 · 08/05/2022 17:36

You don’t owe anyone any more insight into your life than you are prepared to share. What is important is that YOU have been heard by DH. I really hope things work out for you.

This.
You have been very generous to us all in taking the time to come back and update after what has clearly been a very emotional weekend for you.
I wish you all the best OP and hope that your dh recognises the enormity of the situation, and does whatever it takes.

Thedogscollar · 08/05/2022 18:46

billy1966 · 08/05/2022 15:40

The OP was courageous to share the reality of living with someone whose drinking is now a real problem and a threat to their family unit.

There are always the mix of views, some super tolerant and cool, and others like mine that know if the OP was my daughter, I would be advising reading the riot act and to protect herself.

My daughters have a wonderful father and I want them to have the highest expectations going forward having been reared to expect it.

I think the OP has found her voice, and I like many, really commend her.

I hope she will show her husband that while she loves him dearly, and loves what they have built together, he is on borrowed time if he continues to disrespect her and their children.

I think @tomatoandherbs posts come from a very good place.
A voice of experience.

Whilst they may challenge the OP, they will have given her food for thought, and have value.

Many is the time I have heard strong views that have given me pause for thought.

OP, I think you come across as a great woman, who is a wonderful mother.

Irrespective of whether or not he steps up and does the right thing, your children are very lucky to have you.

He's a very lucky man.
You deserve the best.
Just make sure you get nothing less.

Lovely post. It's been quite a weekend for you@marshmallowbooks
Been following and Rtft.
You sound amazing and so glad you and DH have had a long conversation about this weekend and other issues in your relationship.

Keep talking as communication is key in any relationship. Let him know how you feel about any issue not necessarily just the drinking.

I'm hoping your Dh will realise this is a relationship worth fighting for after 12 years and two young children.
The best of luck to you both. X

KettrickenSmiled · 09/05/2022 14:18

Well it matters because that happened today, so why was she so pissed off last night…?
How do you even need to ask @BrunoMadrigal It's a recurring problem, it's right there in the first post. So of course OP will worry every time he goes out on a bender with this friendship group.

Who pissed on your chips?
OP's DH.

mathanxiety · 09/05/2022 14:41

@marshmallowbooks, I'm glad you've had a lengthy conversation.

Only time will truly tell how meaningful it was. I hope it hit home for your H that he has to make a choice now, that that how this goes from here out is on him.

I hope he shares the feelings you have for your family and can turn this around. I hope he will justify whatever faith you have in him.

Painful though it is to contemplate, however, you need to consider your strategy here. You need to put some thought into how you'll respond if there's another binge.

Will you ask him to seek treatment for his problem?
What to do and say if he refuses, minimises/ makes more promises but doesn't think he needs professional help?
Will you ask him to move out temporarily in order to think things over?

You will have to draw a line here and stick to it. Where does your line lie?Are you ready and able to be very firm and to communicate what you consider to be essential?

I urge you to look into Al Anon for families.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/05/2022 23:54

How are things @marshmallowbooks?

Hope you're ok.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 13/05/2022 20:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm doing well, thank you.

Unfortunately DD has taken the chicken pox really bad 😭 and DS has a stomach bug 🤦‍♀️

DH has been great this week, in terms of taking on board what we spoke about last weekend. He's very open about it all too.

He is out tomorrow for a sporting event that he's involved in. He would normally have drinks/food afterwards (although has never been drunk at one of these events and I wouldn't have worried about it previously) however he's just told me he's just going to come home straight afterwards.

OP posts:
notagamer · 14/05/2022 05:59

marshmallowbooks · 13/05/2022 20:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I'm doing well, thank you.

Unfortunately DD has taken the chicken pox really bad 😭 and DS has a stomach bug 🤦‍♀️

DH has been great this week, in terms of taking on board what we spoke about last weekend. He's very open about it all too.

He is out tomorrow for a sporting event that he's involved in. He would normally have drinks/food afterwards (although has never been drunk at one of these events and I wouldn't have worried about it previously) however he's just told me he's just going to come home straight afterwards.

Is he coming straight back because he doesn’t think he can be out and refrain from drinking to a a debilitating extent?

I got the impression you were relaxed about him socialising and out on the evening
Instead it was the puking, pissing on furniture and losing control that, quite understandably appalled you.

does he think he can’t drink at a social event without binging and losing control? Because that is a problem that he needs to address

notagamer · 14/05/2022 08:29

Name change fail?

Stomacharmeleon · 14/05/2022 08:49

Should he be going anyway with one with chicken pox and another with a bug?

Blarting · 14/05/2022 09:42

Stomacharmeleon · 14/05/2022 08:49

Should he be going anyway with one with chicken pox and another with a bug?

Why wouldn't he go? Presumably he's had chicken pox and since when did parents stop
going to work because one of there children has a bug? So socialising would also be ok.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 14/05/2022 09:45

He said he would stay and I told him to go. Both kids feeling much better and happy under blankets watching films. No point in us both being in, and he'll be back just after lunch.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 14/05/2022 09:45

Going into work is normally necessary, socialising is not. If we have a stomach bug going round the house DH would probably WFH so minimise risk of him carrying it to the office

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