Page 27 | To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

marshmallowbooks · 2022-05-06T22:36:12+00:00

Genuine question DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster. He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent). Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada. I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer. Text him an hour or so later.....no answer. The thing that REALLY pisses me Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them. So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him) OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts. He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

Fraaahnces · 08/05/2022 03:52

Well done!!!

billy1966 · 08/05/2022 07:17

Well done OP for spelling it out.

He can't pretend he doesn't know exactly how you feel.

Should he repeat this behaviour again, you will know two things, 1) that he has a drink issue beyond his control, 2) that this will be your life and the life of your children if you let it.

Hope for the best and prepare for tge worst would be my advice.

I really hope this is a big wake up call for him, but you need to be prepared for it not to be.

Having a look at the logistics of going it alone with make you feel less powerless in this.

Keep holding on to the thought that you and your children deserve more than a messy drunk in their life.

The very best of luck.

RhiWrites · 08/05/2022 08:18

He's said he either won't go out, or won't drink socially as he now knows the full impact it has on me.

He said that before and wasn’t able to commit to it. As I said in my previous post, he needs therapy to figure out why he does this snd how to stop.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/05/2022 08:30

women are the superior sex in everything but physical strength, don't forget, and men often need our help.

What a ridiculous comment. Utterly untrue - neither sex is superior 🤦🏻‍♀️

Men do not 'often need our help'. They are sentient adults, like women, capable of making decisions - or should be.

Blarting · 08/05/2022 08:33

milkyaqua · 08/05/2022 02:03

The OP has made sure that their children did not witness any of this.

Apart from the small fact one of the children sat in his piss...

But they were not aware it was piss, just it was wet.

Blarting · 08/05/2022 08:36

@marshmallowbooks well done, I hope you feel better today. You've had a dreadful weekend. So relax today.

Lex345 · 08/05/2022 08:37

Glad you had the talk OP. I really hope he uos his gane and sticks to what he has said he will do. I think you have been remarkably calm, considering.

EarringsandLipstick · 08/05/2022 08:37

@marshmallowbooks

I'm really glad you've talked.

I remember you mentioned earlier in the thread that you don't hold a grudge. I think this is code for letting him away with his appalling behaviour & not holding him to account.

I think his problems are quite significant. I don't think him saying he'll do better is enough.

I would be setting clear expectations & deadlines. He needs to say what he'll do specifically to meet these, including accessing supports & help.

I know this thread has been about 1 incident & night, and the issue is wider. But this one incident was awful, really dreadful - urinating on your couch & leaving it. I'm not saying you should, but for many, this would be something they'd ask him to leave (even temporarily) over. Please keep how serious what he did was, in your consciousness. A few nice words & better behaviour is not enough.

Good luck 💐

EarringsandLipstick · 08/05/2022 08:39

let’s give the man a chance.

Sure. But there's no need to minimise his shocking, disgusting behaviour. Which was not a one-off. And which he entirely ignored yesterday, leaving OP to clean up, and then look after DC as he slept / recovered, before going out again.

womaniswomaniswoman · 08/05/2022 08:39

LicoricePizza · 07/05/2022 23:53

Wow look how disappointed the vultures are that he kept in contact & returned sober as he said he would do.

Nice eh?

EarringsandLipstick · 08/05/2022 08:40

But they were not aware it was piss, just it was wet.

Dear God. No-one should be sitting in anyone's piss, regardless of whether they know what it is or not

LicoricePizza · 08/05/2022 08:55

womaniswomaniswoman · 08/05/2022 08:39

Nice eh?

Show quote history

And I went on to say@womaniswomaniswoman

“ I don’t dispute any of those things. But nothing is so black or white that people can suddenly change to being perfect people in an instant. He kept most of the bargain. Yes he’s late. I’m sure there will be even stiffer consequences as a result from the OP tomorrow or when they get to talk. He really hasn’t done himself any favours there. But it’s going to be a process. I know it’s well intentioned - just feels a bit like baying for blood that’s all.

Eightiesfan · 08/05/2022 09:49

For the love of god, please just let’s put Pissgate to rest. We all know this is not okay. Yes one f the kids sat in a wet patch, it wasn’t soaking wet which you all would know if you read through all of OPs posts, and let’s not be too offended, these are small children, who no doubt have sat in their own wet patches enough times.

No one is minimising anything, but keeping DH on a leash is not the answer, this was a reunion that had been planned, so regardless of the less than stellar behaviour on the first night out, OP is not his mother.

Unlike many of the PP, I too would not have insisted he stayed home, how would this help? DH has had his eyes opened and can now see how his lack of limits is affecting their family and he can see the anger and upset this has caused OP.

So, while we are all offended on her behalf, this is her DH, her life, her family, so let’s give her the space to deal with it in her own way, without fixating on one single detail.

LicoricePizza · 08/05/2022 09:54

Amen to that!

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 10:03

It’s hardly gone on for years @Eightiesfan
He pissed on the sofa barely 24 hours ago

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 10:13

Eightiesfan · 08/05/2022 09:49

For the love of god, please just let’s put Pissgate to rest. We all know this is not okay. Yes one f the kids sat in a wet patch, it wasn’t soaking wet which you all would know if you read through all of OPs posts, and let’s not be too offended, these are small children, who no doubt have sat in their own wet patches enough times.

No one is minimising anything, but keeping DH on a leash is not the answer, this was a reunion that had been planned, so regardless of the less than stellar behaviour on the first night out, OP is not his mother.

Unlike many of the PP, I too would not have insisted he stayed home, how would this help? DH has had his eyes opened and can now see how his lack of limits is affecting their family and he can see the anger and upset this has caused OP.

So, while we are all offended on her behalf, this is her DH, her life, her family, so let’s give her the space to deal with it in her own way, without fixating on one single detail.

The op started a thread
the op has very regularly updated, updating and asking for input and advice and opinions

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 10:14

No one is stopping the OP from “having the space to deal with it her own way”!
This is an anonymous forum.
The OP can just hide the thread and get on with it!

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 10:17

My only concern is that 6 weeks ago when he got utterly trashed and puked on the floor of a pub, he swore that he would never ever do it again. So presumably they the op and him has a chat then. And came to an agreement

and here we are again. 6 weeks later

tomatoandherbs · 08/05/2022 10:18

So he also had his “eyes opened” to the problem 6 weeks ago

did bugger all good though

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 08/05/2022 10:47

@marshmallowbooks

Can't believe you've had to defend yourself so much on this thread

Anyhow I've just got to the update and I'm glad you've got everything out calmly and told him how it is.

There is now absolutely no excuse for him to say he didn't realise etc etc

You've now set the bar plain and clear to him.

If it happens again you know the repercussions and so does he so only time will tell

In the meantime take some time for yourself because it's hurtful when they go bak on their word and I probably would have dragged him out of bed to clean the sofa and embarrass him about it but either way I get why you sorted it out

Hope things settle down for you now x

OhLordyWhatNow · 08/05/2022 10:49

OP, well done for talking it through, I imagine that was really hard for you.

I'm sure you feel more at ease/ lighter for venting all your concerns and being heard.

Acknowledgment is a positive step from your DH, but... he has to commit to what he has said he'll do.

A timescale needs to be set for progress and regular talks need to happen so he knows you're also committed to both him and the changes that need to happen for you all to have a happy, healthy family relationship.

Perhaps he could start by seeking help from AA within a week? This would include reading the website, finding a local group, and reaching out and attending his first session. If he can't commit to this I'd wonder if he's just 'nodding and waving' and not actively listening.

As PP said upthread, you sound as if you have been passive in the past (I don't hold a grudge). Now is the time to really think hard about your own boundaries and what would make you feel secure and happy, and what makes you feel anxious. Draw your line in the sand and commit to it. Each time your DH pushes steps over let him know by simply saying 'this is unacceptable to me' and explain why. He can't know what he doesn't know, so can't stop or correct it unless you tell him.

Find your voice.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you all.

5128gap · 08/05/2022 10:57

Eightiesfan · 08/05/2022 09:49

For the love of god, please just let’s put Pissgate to rest. We all know this is not okay. Yes one f the kids sat in a wet patch, it wasn’t soaking wet which you all would know if you read through all of OPs posts, and let’s not be too offended, these are small children, who no doubt have sat in their own wet patches enough times.

No one is minimising anything, but keeping DH on a leash is not the answer, this was a reunion that had been planned, so regardless of the less than stellar behaviour on the first night out, OP is not his mother.

Unlike many of the PP, I too would not have insisted he stayed home, how would this help? DH has had his eyes opened and can now see how his lack of limits is affecting their family and he can see the anger and upset this has caused OP.

So, while we are all offended on her behalf, this is her DH, her life, her family, so let’s give her the space to deal with it in her own way, without fixating on one single detail.

The quantity of urine, and the fact that small children come into contact with their own urine are neither pertinent nor extenuating. Nor is how easy the sofa was to clean, or peoples' individual tolerance levels of urine on sofas.
The only quantity of urine on a sofa that is not a serious concern, is none at all. Because a 40 year old man with no health conditions who doesn't have a drink problem is not incontinent after a night out.
Its not a question of how forgiving the OP should be, or whether she should impose rules or not, or whether he should be given a chance. Its not a marital dispute like not putting the bins out where compromise is called for. The OPs husband has a drink problem.
The only options to resolve this situation are that he stops drinking, she accepts this behaviour will happen when he drinks, or she leaves. Anything else is smoke and mirrors.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/05/2022 11:02

They are talking which is the first step, plus he has admitted there is a problem, let’s give the man a chance.

A few weeks ago they talked, he admitted he had a problem to the extent he said he didn't want to drink anymore:

The last time he went out (maybe 6-8 weeks ago?) it was BAD. So much so that he promised he would never drink again because of what happened.

Then he went out again and got so drunk he came home and pissed on the sofa for the kids to find and his wife to clean up.

Then, knowing he'd done that and that his wife was anxious about his inability to drink sensibly, he went out again the following night too.

Doesn't sound like he's great at keeping his word does it? Doesn't sound like he's actually sorry or keen to improve things?

I'm not being cynical I'm being a realist.

OhLordyWhatNow · 08/05/2022 11:15

*Then, knowing he'd done that and that his wife was anxious about his inability to drink sensibly, he went out again the following night too.

Doesn't sound like he's great at keeping his word does it? Doesn't sound like he's actually sorry or keen to improve things?*

^ agree that this is disrespectful of the OP and their marriage.

I'm not convinced if he'll change, but the OP believes in him and that's what counts for now.

The DH has a long road of recovery ahead (if he chooses that path).

I think the OP would benefit from some external support for families from AlAnon.

Eightiesfan · 08/05/2022 11:27

People drink their own urine for health benefits, it’s not like he was sniffing cocaine off the coffee table and left it for DC to find. Yes he has an issue with knowing his limits, whether that can be labelled a drink problem is to be seen, only OP can say for sure.

For those who have rightly said this is a forum for people who are asking for advice, a great many posts have nothing to add other than telling OP her husband is disgusting, how is that helpful?

There is a serious issue here, I agree but let’s all wind down the outrage and offer OP the support she needs rather than judgement.