To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

[marshmallowbooks]

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

Oh come on

a man in his forties puking on a pub floor, pissing on the family couch and his young child sitting on it… I don’t think unreasonable to call him disgusting!

@Eightiesfan

People drink their own urine for health benefits

This does not in any way make it any less bad that he pisswd on their sofa. This might be the most bizarre thing I've ever read on MN!

He's not Bear Grylls doing a survival in the wild show, he's a problem drinker who's behaving like a selfish arsehole.

Because some people are weird enough to drink their own urine doesn't mean we all should start peeing on our sofas

@Eightiesfan For the love of god, please just let’s put Pissgate to rest. We all know this is not okay. Yes one f the kids sat in a wet patch, it wasn’t soaking wet which you all would know if you read through all of OPs posts, and let’s not be too offended, these are small children, who no doubt have sat in their own wet patches enough times.

You clearly don't understand the first thing about problems with alcohol. Either that or you are invested in defending something that is very much not OK for your own reasons.

@Eightiesfan
People drink their own urine for health benefits

What the actual fuck are you on about.

@marshmallowbooks He admits his binge drinking is a problem and recognises that he needed to grow up emotionally. He also said, after I'd spoken, that he could see the kind of man I see in him, and he wants to change. He's said he either won't go out, or won't drink socially as he now knows the full impact it has on me. Will it come to fruition? Time will tell of course but I'm willing to let him prove it to me.

He won't prove it to you because he hasn't promised to change anything and you have had this discussion before.

I am married to an alcoholic. Three and a half years ago, there was one event that pushed us all over the edge. Since that event, he has been going to AA and he has not touched a single drop. If he hadn't made that commitment, and stuck to it, he would no longer be my husband nor would he be living in the family home.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

We have absolutely never had that discussion before, not the one we had last night.

It actually can be helpful. Unfortunately in these situations people can normalise the abnormal. Their partner will manipulate them into believing they are over the top, controlling, uptight.
People like yourself, who may be well meaning, but clearly do not understand the situation, aid and abet this with your 'well at least he didn't....' as though the absence of even worse behaviour means the problem behaviour isn't serious.
Sometimes the shock and disgust of strangers and the input of people who recognise it for what it is can be the catalyst for timely action that prevents a miserable future.

This was my experience too. My partner had many many incidences that most people would consider ‘rock bottom’ but he didn’t change until he realised he had to FOR HIM. Nothing I said, did or suffered made a difference. He needed in patient treatment in the end. I wish you well OP. Please post here or in relationships if you need support from those of us who have been there . Some people do change but it’s a long road.
BTW my partner was at absolute rock bottom and still had a job, lots of people didn’t know his issues, never puked in public (or pissed himself!). Yet he was a chronic alcoholic. The disease takes different forms but it’s still there. He almost lost everything. He’s very lucky to be here

😂😂😂

👏👏👏

Was about to reply with some variant of this but see you & other posters have got there first, and better.

For those who have rightly said this is a forum for people who are asking for advice, a great many posts have nothing to add other than telling OP her husband is disgusting, how is that helpful?

It's very helpful if you're with someone whose behaviour is problematic but they minimise / dismiss your concerns / don't follow through on promises to change etc.

Sometimes having an objective outsider tell you that yes, the behaviour is problematic and unacceptable and no, you aren't overreacting, is hugely validating and gives people the confidence to assert their boundaries rather than allowing the other person to fob them off.

So what discussion did you have 6 weeks also when he got utterly legless and puked on a pub floor, and then made a promise similar would never ever happen again?

@tomatoandherbs honestly I'm not going to put down every single aspect of our 12 year marriage and every discussion we've had over the regarding the situation.
I don't anyone that, I've had some really good advice off the back of this thread which I'm so grateful for, but no matter how everyone tells me how disgusting DH is it's not going to make the situation that happened any different. It's done. It was disgusting. He's done similar before. We've had angry small talk conversations about it before.

We chatted for 2 hours last night. We both put our hearts on the table. I'm not going to give you a blow by blow account of this conversation was different to others. You can either accept that, or bow out (which you were going to do a while back)

You don't owe anyone on this thread anything OP.

Just remind yourself that a lot of people use these forums to process their own issues @marshmallowbooks. You don’t owe anyone any more insight into your life than you are prepared to share. What is important is that YOU have been heard by DH. I really hope things work out for you.

I was given some wise advice when I was younger;

listen to everyone
form your own opinion/ thoughts
you don't need to do as you're advised (by anyone)
do what you think is best for you.

This has stood me in good stead over the years.

Well done, OP. I see some fellow posters, while also applauding your attitude, are being kinder on other's motivations than I'm inclined to be. Some people view the trials and tribulations of others as a circus to be enjoyed. They encourage drama and make-or-break ultimatums, they bay for blood, as another PP put it, simply because it is fun for them. We'd all do well always to remember that. We have no idea who anyone is on here, really. I'm so glad you're not following anyone's advice to the letter, ignoring your own instincts and your own unique and superior knowledge of the full picture.

Huh?

I am not least bit interested in all the discussions you have had over your 12 year marriage!

i asked about the discussion that presumably followed just 6 weeks ago when he got legless, puked and then promised to never do again?

Some posters on here (🍅) are notorious for their demanding and relentless posts.

I truly think they expect an OP to roll over and say “yes, oh wonderful poster. Your aggressive and persistent posting style has made me see the light. You’re ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, and I’ve kicked him out and we are no more. I owe my life to you.”

There's a lot of handmaidens excusing his repugnant behaviour. Their behaviour bar must be set lower than a snakes belly. Where's your standards ffs. He's a grown man pissing on the sofa 🤮

People drink their own urine for health benefits

So in a sense, he was providing his children with a healthy drink - is that what you're saying?

@tomatoandherbs but why? Why do you want/need to know that? Who will benefit from me telling the internet about a conversation that I had 6 weeks ago?

There are ways of putting a point across, and there are ways of asking further questions to help five advice and support.

And then there are people who are rude. Who sit behind their screens and have no filter, unable to be empathetic because their own options over ride everything else.

Today has been nice so far 👌

*opinions

Sorry for all the typos - I never proof read before I send!

Who benefitted from you telling the internet any of this?

You decided to share the intimate details of your marriage with anyone and everyone, and are now kicking off because you don't like hearing from the many many women who can see what's going on.

But sure - we're all inexplicably fascinated by your life, which is all fine and dandy anyway, because it's all fixed. Nice one

@AProperStinging I've benefited massively!

I shared the information I wanted to share. I got lots of advice and opinions. I've taken it on board and have dealt with the situation differently to how it would have been dealt with previously.

I'm glad I posted, and again thank everyone for their input.

But I don't know how me sharing more information than I have done is going to help anyone.