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Original poster

To be pissed off - or do I need to chill

762 replies

marshmallowbooks · 06/05/2022 23:36

Genuine question

DH doesn't go out very often anymore. We are both in our 40s, we work full time, we have kids, life etc etc

However - whenever he DOES go out - it usually ends in disaster.
He doesn't seem to have a stop button. There's usually bodily fluids involved , sometimes more than one, and he often loses/breaks his phone 🙄. He's always terrible at keeping in touch, doesn't reply to texts etc. I always get anxious when he goes out as I don't know when he's going to be home or what he's going to be like (never violent).

Anyway, he's out tonight for a reunion. Before he left, he assured me he would keep in touch. He assured me he wouldn't get too drunk and bring anyone back to the house (this has happened on a couple
Of occasions - with friends). He assured me he wouldn't go back to anyone's house for an after party once the pub was closed yada yada.

I text him about 3 hours ago to let him know one of the kids seems to have chicken pox. No answer.

Text him an hour or so later.....no answer.

The thing that REALLY pisses me
Off is that his phone is never out of his hand at home. Between his phone and smart watch he is always replying
To texts/WhatsApp/emails - ALL THE TIME. It annoys me that he will have seen my texts come in but has ignored them.

So - should I be annoyed? Should I be royally pissed off tomorrow (which realistically Will be the next time I see him)
OR should I just assume he's having a great time with people he's not seen for years and too occupied to reply or look at any texts.

He's also out with the same group tomorrow evening for part two of the reunion!

OP posts:
blinkybilll · 07/05/2022 23:01

I would go to bed and not go give him a second thought.

Neither of you will be in a fit stage to have a decent talk tonight.

5128gap · 07/05/2022 23:12

PrinzessinCressida · 07/05/2022 22:55

OP, perhaps it would help not to see it as such a pivotal conversation. A lot of the advice you've been given and comments you've had on here are, as usual, over dramatic and unnecessarily confrontational and bossy. Don't lose sight of the fact that you know your own situation and your own husband best. To me it sounds like you've got a man who needs a shove to do another bit of growing up. In real non-mumsnet life, most women have to help their male partners do this - women are the superior sex in everything but physical strength, don't forget, and men often need our help. We do it because we love them, because we've built a life together, often involving children, and because God knows we're not perfect either, and we alone know what unspoken bargains and patterns our relationships operate under. Good luck.

I know you mean well, but you obviously have no knowledge of this type of problem. OPs husband is not a young man who hasn't learned his limits. He's a man in his 40s with small children who binge drinks to the point of losing control of his bodily functions. Not as a one off. Every time.
When a person drinks like this it's not something you can 'love them' out of. God knows, there's enough of us who've wasted decades trying.
Don't give the OP false hope that it's in her power to resolve this. You're setting her up to fail.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 23:29

Well said, 5128gap.

I was trying to think of a suitable reply, but couldn't think of one that didn't involve the word enabler and lots of swearing.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 23:38

He knows it'll make it worse though.

He knew though that drinking yesterday would probably lead to him getting absolutely off his head (which he did resulting in him pissing himself... again) and he still did that.

He sounds like he is unwilling to prioritise your relationship over going out / booze / making an effort that inconveniences him at all.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 23:39

He actually said to me earlier if I wanted him to have a curfew?! Wtaf.

He wants to be able to say "(your name) says I have to be home by midnight so I can't stay our lads, she's being a right misery etc" so he doesn't have to take responsibility and can blame you. It's so childish of him.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 23:41

He's home. He's sober.

Not sure if I have the mental energy to discuss anything with him tonight

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 23:43

He still went out.

Going out again the night after being so pissed he wet himself on your sofa and left piss for his kid to sit in is fucking insane.

The level of entitlement and arrogance (I can do anything and she won't break up with me) that takes is baffling.

Oh to have the confidence of a mediocre (at best) man.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 23:45

That's something I suppose OP.

At least he's saved you from having to mop floors soaked in piss and vomit. What a champ.

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 23:47

TBH I'm not sure why you stayed awake to greet it when he arrived back this late.

toomuchlaundry · 07/05/2022 23:47

He said he wouldn’t be late, I would call this late, especially as you were going to have a chat

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 23:47

*him not it

LicoricePizza · 07/05/2022 23:53

Wow look how disappointed the vultures are that he kept in contact & returned sober as he said he would do.

SomersetONeil · 07/05/2022 23:54

marshmallowbooks · 07/05/2022 23:41

He's home. He's sober.

Not sure if I have the mental energy to discuss anything with him tonight

So now you put it off another 24 hours, until the kids are asleep again.

What a nice Sunday you’re all going to have.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/05/2022 23:55

LicoricePizza · 07/05/2022 23:53

Wow look how disappointed the vultures are that he kept in contact & returned sober as he said he would do.

Wouldn't you be disappointed that after he got so drunk last night he pissed on the sofa (not the first time by the sound of it as OP says he has previous) and left it for kids to find, he went out again the very next night rather than having a night in with OP who he knows was upset and wanted to have a chat?

OhLordyWhatNow · 07/05/2022 23:56

He didn't do what he said he would do though did he?

The OP has been left anxious again, expecting a chat when he returned early as he promised, but not knowing if he'll return.

SomersetONeil · 07/05/2022 23:57

LicoricePizza · 07/05/2022 23:53

Wow look how disappointed the vultures are that he kept in contact & returned sober as he said he would do.

I mean, problem solved, right?

Of course he was always going to come home sober.

What would have actually been impressive, would have been if he’d gone, had a few drinks, sent a ‘hi’ type text to the OP, and come home at a reasonable hour. You know, like a normal person.

But that’s not possible for him.

So he had to abstain completely - and then expect brownie points for actually displaying in black and white how dysfunctional his drinking actually is.

SomersetONeil · 07/05/2022 23:59

Well, I mean, what actually would have been impressive, would be if hadn’t gone at all, and talked about the issue with his wife.

But next best option, would have been going out and acting like a job-dysfunctional person.

SomersetONeil · 08/05/2022 00:00
  • non-dysfunctional
LicoricePizza · 08/05/2022 00:08

I don’t dispute any of those things. But nothing is so black or white that people can suddenly change to being perfect people in an instant. He kept most of the bargain. Yes he’s late. I’m sure there will be even stiffer consequences as a result from the OP tomorrow or when they get to talk. He really hasn’t done himself any favours there. But it’s going to be a process. I know it’s well intentioned - just feels a bit like baying for blood that’s all.

RachelGreeneGreep · 08/05/2022 00:34

Take your time, OP. Step away from the thread if you need to, for a while. Think long and hard about all of this, the comments that were hard to hear, included.

I can't help thinking that I would find it nigh on impossible to look myself in the eye, if I were in his shoes - knowing that he had lost control of his bladder, while drunk, but blithely headed out for a night out, after that. I would find it difficult in your shoes to have any respect for him, still less to have any intimacy with him.

But, it's your life, and it's up to you what happens next.

Original poster
marshmallowbooks · 08/05/2022 01:39

We've talked. I couldn't hold it all in.

I was very Frank and honest. I told him how his actions made me feel. I let out A LOT but in a controlled fashion.

He admits his binge drinking is a problem and recognises that he needed to grow up emotionally. He also said, after I'd spoken, that he could see the kind of man I see in him, and he wants to change. He's said he either won't go out, or won't drink socially as he now knows the full impact it has on me. Will it come to fruition? Time will tell of course but I'm willing to let him prove it to me.

After about an hour of spilling my heart out and hearing what he had to say, I was still quite worked up and no way could I sleep. So we went down and had a cup of tea and talked further about issues.

I feel better that it's all out in the open, about things I've not mentioned on this thread too, and he knows he's got a lot to prove to me. I think it's really made him look at things from a different perspective.

It won't go back to normal overnight (as in how we are with each other) but the first step has been taken and we will just have to see how it goes and whether he really will try his best.

Thank you so much to everyone who has offered support and advice, it's really helped me and made me look at things differently.

OP posts:
Carlycat · 08/05/2022 01:45

His behaviour is disgusting and absolutely repugnant. Pissing on the sofa is not normal behaviour. What an disgraceful example he's setting for your children 🤢

BlueberryPuff · 08/05/2022 01:51

marshmallowbooks · 08/05/2022 01:39

We've talked. I couldn't hold it all in.

I was very Frank and honest. I told him how his actions made me feel. I let out A LOT but in a controlled fashion.

He admits his binge drinking is a problem and recognises that he needed to grow up emotionally. He also said, after I'd spoken, that he could see the kind of man I see in him, and he wants to change. He's said he either won't go out, or won't drink socially as he now knows the full impact it has on me. Will it come to fruition? Time will tell of course but I'm willing to let him prove it to me.

After about an hour of spilling my heart out and hearing what he had to say, I was still quite worked up and no way could I sleep. So we went down and had a cup of tea and talked further about issues.

I feel better that it's all out in the open, about things I've not mentioned on this thread too, and he knows he's got a lot to prove to me. I think it's really made him look at things from a different perspective.

It won't go back to normal overnight (as in how we are with each other) but the first step has been taken and we will just have to see how it goes and whether he really will try his best.

Thank you so much to everyone who has offered support and advice, it's really helped me and made me look at things differently.

Glad for you for being honest. Perhaps keep this thread as reference in case it happens again.

Eightiesfan · 08/05/2022 01:52

Carlycat · 08/05/2022 01:45

His behaviour is disgusting and absolutely repugnant. Pissing on the sofa is not normal behaviour. What an disgraceful example he's setting for your children 🤢

Oh for goodness sake, rein it in, he pissed on the OPs sofa, not in your cornflakes. The OP has made sure that their children did not witness any of this. They are talking which is the first step, plus he has admitted there is a problem, let’s give the man a chance.

milkyaqua · 08/05/2022 02:03

The OP has made sure that their children did not witness any of this.

Apart from the small fact one of the children sat in his piss...