Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

352 replies

unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 11:52

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
unhappychaos · 07/05/2022 19:53

@Louise0701 I didn't say she was rude. I just explained we get child benefit for all 3.

Not high earners but finances aren't a problem. I never mentioned money in my PPs.

OP posts:
Peanutbuttercupisyum · 07/05/2022 19:54

Also..lower your standards!!!! It’s totally normal for kids not to get to sit next to mummy or fall asleep in her arms and what not. You’re there and present, that’s enough. What they lose from you they more than make up from their siblings

oviraptor21 · 07/05/2022 19:57

Everyone's different and what works and is great for one person is not the same as for another.
I don't think I would have coped well with twins but I have more than three and the age gaps between each average our at 2 years. I've never regretted it and never felt like I wasn't able to give any of them the time they wanted or needed.

Macanncheese · 07/05/2022 19:58

unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 11:52

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

I have 4 boys first two are months apart same with younger two 18 years between both sets of two and I can honestly say you’ll look back and never regret a minute of the stress puke heartache and sleepless nights. It’s hard but eventually you realise they always need their mama and love you.
My eldest is 28 my youngest is 7 and I’d be lost without them all.

blondiepigtails · 07/05/2022 20:08

My third was unplanned. It was hell when they were all little. It does get easier with time. I’ve loved having 3, even as teenagers and I’m not very maternal. They’re all in their 20s now and I miss the laughter and chaos and noise but not necessarily the expense!

Lovely13 · 07/05/2022 20:14

I really wanted a third, but husband vetoed it. 😞 Lucky I had the two I’ve got, now grown up, but do still wonder what the third might have been like…

CountTheStars · 07/05/2022 20:16

But you’ve had one child, followed by twins! Yes that’s three children but it’s a tough dynamic. I’m the first child in your scenario; ten years later my mum gave birth to twins, a girl & a boy. It was lovely, I really liked having them around. We’re still so close now. All children are little blessings, wise words there from @Bunty55 ……& sorry for your tragic loss @Bunty55

ThistleTits · 07/05/2022 20:50

unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 11:52

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

Are you my daughter? She has 3 as well, 5, 3 and 18 months. Absolute attention chaos, they all do exactly as you describe.
I am pretty sure it will balance out as they get older, less needy.

It's not you as a mum, it's just 3 small children. 💐

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 07/05/2022 21:04

@SleepingStandingUp @TheMagicDeckchair thanks for the advice ladies. DD will be 3 by the time the babies are born, just in time for her to start 5 day nursery term time. Very hands on DH but I'm sure it will be more challenging and more nuanced than anyone can expect before they are living the life!

Bugbabe1970 · 07/05/2022 21:13

I have 3
all planned
2 years between the eldest then a 4 year gap for the 3rd
i found the 3rd easy as the other 2 were in school and it was a girl after 2 boys so completed the family perfectly
financially it hasn’t been easy but I love having 3

Strangeways19 · 07/05/2022 21:17

I have a different experience. My 3rd child was a dream compared to the first two

Grumpyrainbow · 07/05/2022 21:34

I can't imagine how full on it must be with twins. You are without doubt in a tough position OP.

We have 3 children with 4 year gap between each pair, littlest was born during covid, is now 2.

Sleep deprivation aside (and arguing Sad) it's been pretty manageable overall. I would definitely recommend 3 if you love having kids. It's another layer of work and chaos but seeing their love for #3 is pure magic.

1000N · 07/05/2022 21:42

I only read some of the comments but Gosh! Whats with all the hatred for the original post? She clearly love her children was just unburdening a little here where we are supposed to be supportive to each other as we all know how hard it is! I only have one little one and he has so much energy it is absolutely lovely but i can understand how 3 could give you some “ahh this is too much” few moments…

Murdoch1949 · 07/05/2022 21:47

I had a 3 year old and a 1 year old, had an unexpected 3rd that turned out to be twins, so ended up with 4 under 4. Worse thing was at 32 weeks being told it could be twins and having to have an x-ray (pre scan days) balancing on my bulging stomach! Passed in a haze. They're all in their 40s now!

Shortkiwi · 07/05/2022 21:58

I’ve got 3, first 2 born within 12 months - 2nd unplanned - which resulted in post natal depression. However, they were like twins and great company for each other. I then had my third (planned), 5 years later, who has brought so much joy to our lives and is adored by us all. I think, for me, it was a case of having decent intervals between births. When no 3 came along the other 2 were at school and I really enjoyed her infancy. I wish I had had a 4th child actually! They are going to be 30, 29 and 24 this month! It does get easier!

Herewegoagain84 · 07/05/2022 23:07

@1000N I think probably because she stated it was a “cautionary tale” for those considering three. Of course she’s able to feel overwhelmed and want to share a post to unburden, but she projected her situation onto others, yet everybody’s circumstances are different- her experience doesn’t necessarily reflect those. It certainly made me feel further dread for my unplanned third on his way that I’m trying to be positive about.

CheltenhamLady · 08/05/2022 00:07

RampantIvy · 06/05/2022 13:21

All the posters saying YABU are also BU because they wanted three and love being surrounded by children. And those saying YANBU are biased because they (including myself) would rather eat hair than have three children.

And most of the YABUers on this thread seem to have young children. Having been through the teenage years with all that it entails - expense, friendship issues, relationship issues, bullying, GCESs, A levels, UCAS and the big expense of supporting through university there is no way on earth I would have wanted to do that 3 times.

Gosh, all those issues are not a given though.

We have children and I can say hand on heart that we have never had any of the issues you outline with bullying, friendships or relationships. With regard to educational issues, we were happy to support them all through it and enjoy their successes with them. As for expense, undoubtedly it was expensive but, thankfully, we could comfortably afford it. it must be hard if that is not the case.

It was hard work when they were small, but as adults they all get on well and we gather together for family occasions and they seem to want to be here and interact with us all. That is all you can aspire to.

Julesoo · 08/05/2022 00:12

It’s really not easy trying to juggle things, particularly with 3 children.Think it’s good you shared this, lot’s of parents(wouldn’t admit) though would identify with this.A friend of mine has got 4.Remember Her saying, well l’ve 3 another 1 won’t make a difference, lol.

Mamanyt · 08/05/2022 00:17

You are being reasonable in that it is your experience. However, it is not everyone's. And I think having twins intensifies everything. I do have a friend who said, "The only thing better than having two kids is having three!" She then followed that up with, "The only thing better than having three kids is having four!" Thankfully, she stopped there.

I do have a much older cousin who has THREE sets of twins. The elder and middle sets are 11 months apart, and the middle and younger sets are 13 months apart. She says that given the choice again, she'd rather cut a major vein and jump into shark-infested waters.

MissCaptain · 08/05/2022 01:08

You were not a mistake. You may have been unplanned, a surprise, but you are here - not a mistake, not unwanted. xxx

MrsPetty · 08/05/2022 02:26

I grew up in a family with two sisters. I would not recommend it at all 😞 There was a lot of two against one… with changing positions at lot. I stopped at two DC for just the reasons that you described and I’d experienced personally. I’d really recommend this book to make life easier for yourself www.amazon.com/Siblings-Without-Rivalry-Children-Together/dp/0393342212

Disneydatknee88 · 08/05/2022 02:35

I'm one of 4 and I can tell you, there will come a time when they all entertain each other. It might not feel like it now but yours are very fortunate to have extra siblings to keep them occupied.

Pinklimey · 08/05/2022 03:55

splishsplashsploshsplish · 07/05/2022 11:42

As an adult who desperately wanted a third, and whose DP and DPIL also had three, I couldn't disagree with this more.

But, differed strokes for different folks, and all that.

Show quote history

Sorry. It was meant as a joke.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/05/2022 08:52

I got the sarcasm @Pinklimey , I think this thread is just touching people's sensitive buttons

SleepingStandingUp · 08/05/2022 08:57

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 07/05/2022 21:04

@SleepingStandingUp @TheMagicDeckchair thanks for the advice ladies. DD will be 3 by the time the babies are born, just in time for her to start 5 day nursery term time. Very hands on DH but I'm sure it will be more challenging and more nuanced than anyone can expect before they are living the life!

Oh and take lots of pictures cos the first months were a blur 😂😂 then covid hit when they were 3 months and the next two years were just sludge into one long memory of coping.

But they do adore each other, and they idolise their big brother. Eldest would like another baby. I told him he can have his own in 20 years