To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

[unhappychaos]

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

Your title is just ALL wrong. It's got nothing to do with having a third child.
You had DC1 (5), then went on to have twins (both 4).
So your jump from one to two became one to three.
You're deliberately putting fear into other women who are pregnant with their 3rd or thinking about having a third when, in reality, your own personal struggle is the jump you took from one to three: To having twins instead of the single DC2 you (not unreasonably) assumed you'd be having.

You're struggling with having twins and 3 kids so close in age.
It's a tough gig, OP. I'll give you that. But you can't really warn women against having a third. This is entirely unreasonable and unkind. Your situation is tough but it is also a very personal situation. You can't speak for the majority. Sorry. But you just can't and shouldn't.

If it helps, DTwins love big brother more than each other at 2 /2 / 6. I Z so sorry about that too but I think they like a break from each lthe and he's older so cooler by default

My comment wasn't specifically aimed at you Op but at some of the horrible comments from other posters. You can give them the attention they need, you just need to work out how to do it - if you read some of the comments they are not nice!

I have a 3, 1 and 3 month old. I adore them all and LOVE being a mum. Also suffered quite a few losses and know what precious blessings they are.

BUT, I wouldn’t have chosen for it to be this way, and having lived this reality for the last 3 months I still wouldn’t choose it. Life is HARD. And having 3 children back to back makes quite a long period of HARD. It may well we worth it some days, but I’m sure it would have been just as ‘worth it’ with a slightly more reasonable age gap between 2 and 3.

Mine are 5,3 and 1 and yes it’s hard, but I love it. Your description of cuddling up to two in the bed and that feeling perfect is exactly how I feel when all 3 of mine snuggle in! Hope your situation gets better as they get older OP

I have 8! And have had three under 3 twice! A 5 year old and two 4 year olds sounds like a walk in the park 😂

OP, I found it incredibly hard going from 1 DC to 2 so I cannot imagine how hard it must be having a 5yo and 4 yo twins. You must be exhausted, its hardly surprising you have the occasional moment of regret or feeling overwhelmed. You're right in the horrors now but it won't be like this forever. Do you ever get any time to yourself?

@Dinneronmybfpillow your post has really meant a lot to me! We’re currently discussing TTC #4 and our DC are DD9, DS5, DS2

If we conceived quite quickly, there’d be 10 years between eldest and youngest and that’s the single thing putting me off as I worried the gap was too big between eldest and youngest. DD is close to both her brothers despite a 4 & 6 year age gap but I worried I was pushing it too much with 10.

We’ve been thinking about having a third and I’ve found the OP and this thread a really interesting and helpful read.

And I’m grateful to people including the OP for sharing their honest experiences, whether positive or negative. I don’t think women should be shamed for sharing negative feelings they may have about parenthood. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their children.

O hush
The same goes for 1 baby
Or people with 2 kids

The beginning years suck
Stop hating on DC3
Like seriously. It hurts my heart reading your op. Its not their fault they was twins.
You wanted more babies. You were blessed with 2. Make due.
Stop treating this baby like he is the one that ruined it all. Baby #3 aint to blame!!.

The other side is when we had no 3 he was the one that slotted in the easiest was the least trouble of all our children as a baby (bar a lactose intolerance) and even now at 20 he is the one everyone gets on with and the one who his sisters all love spending time with. Out of my 4 (I had 4 under 6 at one point) he has by far been the easiest experience of parenthood.

Im not dishing your experience op. I am also not saying its hard but for me no 3 was/is a joy.

@Louise0701 Dsis and I are the most similar personality wise, but we all have good independent relationships with each sibling. There were definitely some scraps along the way (my brother was a spectacular wind up merchant and my other sister an easy target) but I really like how we can interchange quite well.

Obviously the 4th child is the best though 😁

Eldest Dsis that is

Where did I ever say it was DC3 that 'ruined' things, and which twin would it happen to be?

I'm speaking for myself, not the majority. Yes the small gap is hard and yes twins + 1 is hard but I have struggled through the different ages, so I believe my feelings are not so much dictated by their ages but by the fact there are 3.

To the posters who say they snuggle up with 3, good for them - I can't manage.

The turn-taking never stops and that's no way to live. I wanted a family, not a military operation. I was obviously not cut out to have more than 2 and I found out the hard way. I hope my kids don't pay the consequences.

I'm going to bow out now as this thread has become a bit too negative. Thanks to those of you who sympathized.

@SleepingStandingUp, thanks for the support.

How does one arrange an age gap between twins. We're all ears? 🤔

@Louise0701

I love having 3, would recommend 3 to everyone. Infact I love 3 that much, I’m considering 4

as someone heavily
pregnant with number 3 I really appreciate this post!

@Giraffesandbottoms you will be fab!!!

@Dinneronmybfpillow haha I have a wind up merchant on my hands here as well! The youngest! 😂

Ours are 7, 5 and almost 3. They are hard work but just that age gap between them means DS1 (7) is very different to DS2 (almost 3) . They don't all want a cuddle at the same time or like the same stories.

Umm. Well, the next day wasn't in fact too late to change your mind, you had options at that stage.
Obviously you would not be without DC3 now, you love them completely. But the next day.... you had a choice.

Seeing as that's what the op is asking for help with, you could probably give her some hints on how you ensure all 8 of your children get all the emotional support and one on one time they need in between working, housework, shopping, cooking, keeping up with school stuff for 8 kids and looking after their physical needs as well? How you manage to make sure that none of them felt left out, and how you cuddled and read each of them a bedtime story every night?

I'm sure you've got lots of lovely insights in all the ways she can make it a walk in the park like you would if it was you.

Twin 1 pops out and then you ask the consultant if twin 2 can stay in for another 3 years, to make a sensible gap…

I meant to post some support earlier OP but tied up with the 4yo and 1yo twins! I know what you’re saying, it is chaos here too and I have a bigger gap. The number of times I say “I’ve only one pair of hands”. And two feels really easy.

I don't think it has occurred to parents of lots of children that some people just don't enjoy the noise, chaos and drudgery having a larger family brings.

You didnt choose to have 3 , you had twins entirely different !

Hang on you decided the next day you didn't want to? The next day is not too late , you had other options?