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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell you to read this if you're considering a 3rd child

352 replies

unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 11:52

NC for obvious reasons.

I have 3 kids really close in age. DC3 wasn't planned, we had twins on our second go.

I hate having 3. It's constant chaos. I'm always needed, they constantly compete for my attention. They all want to sit next to me for meals, that's not possible. Bedtime stories, same thing. The scrambling and turn-taking does my head in - we can never relax. DH is around and does lots with them but that's not the point. I want to be able to make my children happy without help, to listen to them properly and not always have to ask one of them to wait or to go to Daddy.

It dawned on me this morning because 2 of them came into my bed at 6.30 and fell back asleep either side of me. It was bliss and everything I've always wanted from family life. Then of course DC3 woke up and came in and couldn't find a spot and it all went wrong.

This is both a ramble and a cautionary tale - if you're considering having a third, make sure you've thought of all the above.

I'm probably doing something wrong with them as plenty of people have 3 or more kids and seem happy, but equally I can't be the only one feeling like this. It's been years and nothing has improved.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
splishsplashsploshsplish · 06/05/2022 19:06

I had 4 in 6 years, with DC4 being our surprise, and loved it (mostly).

My mantra for everything is 'it's just a phase' but the tiredness is a killer. I remember saying to DH one time (as he kissed me before going to work) 'I think that they are all trying to kill me through lack of sleep...'

It was hectic in the early years but now everyone is at school, I am back at full time work (teacher and 3/4 DC come to my school. Other has SN and is at a specialist school).

I hope that you are able to find some enjoyment in the situation soon.

FleeceNavidadfromtheSheep · 06/05/2022 21:15

I have a mantra 'three is a magic number'.

For those considering three in quick succession please don't be put off by this thread.

You and your DC will reap the rewards - being close in age means everyone can do the same activities, mine are very close, and rarely did they have to hang around watching or waiting for their older or younger ones siblings.

Yes, it's exhausting and expensive (especially now with 3 at/heading for uni - didn't think that through Wink) but I wouldn't have done it any differently.

And the bonus is getting through the child rearing years as quickly as possible!

RampantIvy · 06/05/2022 21:20

I have a mantra 'three is a magic number'.

Only for people who want three children.
Some women absolutely thrive on being a mother to three children. Some women don't. We are all different.

FleeceNavidadfromtheSheep · 06/05/2022 21:37

To be clear, I'm not advocating three as the perfect number, but sharing my way of making all the DC (and myself) feel positive about being one of three!

Hardbackwriter · 06/05/2022 21:39

TheVanguardSix · 06/05/2022 15:56

Your title is just ALL wrong. It's got nothing to do with having a third child.
You had DC1 (5), then went on to have twins (both 4).
So your jump from one to two became one to three.
You're deliberately putting fear into other women who are pregnant with their 3rd or thinking about having a third when, in reality, your own personal struggle is the jump you took from one to three: To having twins instead of the single DC2 you (not unreasonably) assumed you'd be having.

You're struggling with having twins and 3 kids so close in age.
It's a tough gig, OP. I'll give you that. But you can't really warn women against having a third. This is entirely unreasonable and unkind. Your situation is tough but it is also a very personal situation. You can't speak for the majority. Sorry. But you just can't and shouldn't.

I was thinking this too - the OP really idealises having two children but that's not actually something the OP has ever experienced? I remember seeing someone say - on MN, I believe! - that the easiest number of children is always one fewer than you have and I think that applies here. Two might look like a doddle but if you had only had two children you'd have still had issues with sharing you (you have two hands, which is helpful for two, but you only have one lap, can only really carry one for any distance, can only listen to one at once). Three is quite an awkward number in many ways but not everything would be neat and easy with two, either.

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 06/05/2022 21:43

As someone who expecting twins with a 2 year old this makes it sound a bit scary!

Dimplepie · 06/05/2022 21:43

I thought I was all done at 2. Then we had a very surprise #3. She is the best thing that ever happened to our family
3 is the magic number
Sorry you're having a shit time op. It will get better

DoubleFunMum · 06/05/2022 22:06

I have 3. Had the 3rd (planned) after a set of twins. But, with an 8 year age gap. Number 3 has made our family complete - we all absolutely dote on her and it's lovely seeing the dynamic with her big brothers. In my experience, having twins is a bit mental when they're young but it will get better. Hang in there!

AlistairCamel · 06/05/2022 22:09

Yep, I feel that way. And also one of them always seems to kick of at school run time and I feel embarrassed tbh.

AlistairCamel · 06/05/2022 22:09

I will say I love them all dearly but I feel
split to many ways.

daffodilsareinbloom · 06/05/2022 23:05

I also think @unhappychaos that some of it is that your kids are very very close in age. Twins are a reason a couple people I know delayed pregnancy two to a 3 year gap, just in case. A one year gap and then twins? That's very very hard. It sounds too like not something you 'planned' (aka twins) and in some ways I think that can make for more feelings of things being out of control.

I love having more than 2 and I think 3 is a fab number. Mind you my dc are spaced out more which probably made that easier.

I think things will get better @unhappychaos take it a day at a time. I have many happy family members and friends with twins & triplets. There is a point where everything doesn't seem quite so full on!

SleepingStandingUp · 06/05/2022 23:12

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 06/05/2022 21:43

As someone who expecting twins with a 2 year old this makes it sound a bit scary!

It is. Sorry, but it's true. It's bloody hard work with twins and then there's an older one who's feeling usurped and doesn't understand to not wake up the babies etc. Doesn't mean it isn't also lovely and great. But def try and get some support in place now, if 2 yo is v clingy then make sure they learn to share you now whilst you can practise it, make sure DH understands he needs to step up EVEN MORE etc.

LuckySantangelo35 · 06/05/2022 23:26

splishsplashsploshsplish · 06/05/2022 19:06

I had 4 in 6 years, with DC4 being our surprise, and loved it (mostly).

My mantra for everything is 'it's just a phase' but the tiredness is a killer. I remember saying to DH one time (as he kissed me before going to work) 'I think that they are all trying to kill me through lack of sleep...'

It was hectic in the early years but now everyone is at school, I am back at full time work (teacher and 3/4 DC come to my school. Other has SN and is at a specialist school).

I hope that you are able to find some enjoyment in the situation soon.

@splishsplashsploshsplish

how can you have loved it if you were constantly willing time to pass, telling yourself it’s just a phase that will soon pass..

That just sounds like you wishing your life away to me…this time will pass…

not being goady, just genuinely curious

splishsplashsploshsplish · 06/05/2022 23:47

I was not constantly willing time to pass at all, but if I found myself tired or one of them was 'having a moment' (which does happen from time to time), then I would say that to myself.

Like potty training. For example. Not my favourite time. But it doesn't mean that life will always be like this, it just means that we are in that phase for the moment:

I loved having a younger family. I am also currently enjoying the phase that DC are in now. Wink

RandomUser10093 · 07/05/2022 05:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

timeisnotaline · 07/05/2022 06:05

unhappychaos · 06/05/2022 12:30

I'm sorry to hear this. This is also one of my fears, that they won't get on as it's all too much.

Show quote history

That’s not exactly rational op, when you think of the absolutely enormous number of families of 3 children and more who do get on. Maybe yours will, maybe they won’t. But whichever happens, it won’t be your fault for having 3! My 3rd is in my arms having a feed right now, no regrets. Dh and I know many many happy large families. I hope yours gets better when they are older, no one would doubt twins are a lot of work when young.

Roastonsun8 · 07/05/2022 06:14

I think it's because your kids are still young OP. Perhaps it's this particular phase your not enjoying? Are the 4 year olds at school yet?

Hats off to you looking after twins! I'm sure your doing a wonderful job. Perhaps you need a break?

SecondhandTable · 07/05/2022 06:14

Just wanted to counteract some of the negativity with my own anecdote. My family is me as the eldest, 22 months later DB, 2.5 yrs later DSis. It must have been a waking nightmare for my DPs at times, they lived far from family so had no help whatsoever with us. I certainly remember s lot of fighting from childhood and a lot of arguments from adolescence!!

However now, it's a different story, we are all in our 20s. DB and I are very close, we talk most days. DB still lives in the family home with our DPs, he stayed there for uni etc, in fact all 3 of us are close to our DPs and made the decision to live near them. DSis bought a house a few mins walk away from family home. I also live a few mins walk away from family home, with my DH and two young DC. We all see each other very frequently and get on well and my DC have great relationships with them all. Here's hoping you can all survive the tough years and have similar in the future!

TheMagicDeckchair · 07/05/2022 06:58

YouPutTheScrewInTheTuna · 06/05/2022 21:43

As someone who expecting twins with a 2 year old this makes it sound a bit scary!

You’ll manage. My eldest was 3 when the twins arrived but I knew some twin mums who had a 2 year old and the twins. Just celebrated the twins’ first birthday so we all made it through the first year alive!

Eldest likes to annoy the twins when I’m trying to get them to nap. Twins annoy eldest by stealing her toys and food. But they do play together.

If your eldest is in childcare, try to keep them there during your mat leave to make things easier for everyone.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 07/05/2022 08:58

I think you are quite right Louise.

AProperStinging · 07/05/2022 09:53

@Hardbackwriter

I was thinking this too - the OP really idealises having two children but that's not actually something the OP has ever experienced? I remember seeing someone say - on MN, I believe! - that the easiest number of children is always one fewer than you have and I think that applies here. Two might look like a doddle but if you had only had two children you'd have still had issues with sharing you (you have two hands, which is helpful for two, but you only have one lap, can only really carry one for any distance, can only listen to one at once). Three is quite an awkward number in many ways but not everything would be neat and easy with two, either.

I love having two children. Much prefer it to when I only had one.

I would never have three, I think it's a terrible number based on my first hand experience and from knowing many other families.

SmiledWtherisingsun · 07/05/2022 10:32

MissChanandlerBong80 · 06/05/2022 16:24

We’ve been thinking about having a third and I’ve found the OP and this thread a really interesting and helpful read.

And I’m grateful to people including the OP for sharing their honest experiences, whether positive or negative. I don’t think women should be shamed for sharing negative feelings they may have about parenthood. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their children.

💛

Pinklimey · 07/05/2022 10:40

Also, for God's sake, do not accidentally have a third child- it will destroy your life!

signed accidental third child who has been assured she did not destroy her parents' lives

LongLostTeacher · 07/05/2022 10:55

I find the tone of your posts strange OP. I’m sorry your having a hard time and I hope I have misinterpreted what you mean.

You are warning off parents who want a third. But you never wanted a third, you tried for a second and had twins. Why aren’t you reminding parents who are trying for their first or second DCs that they might end up having twins?

Is there a particular twin you have singled out as the “unplanned DC3,” as you seem to be describing one of your DC using this term? If so, how did you decide which one was the unplanned one?

Furthermore, setting boundaries is not punishing your children. Not setting boundaries is only punishing yourself. Everyone will be happier for an understanding of your limits and expectations. No child should have their parent meeting their every whim, no matter how many children are in the family.

Roastonsun8 · 07/05/2022 11:01

@LongLostTeacher that's what I thought too. It should of said 2nd child. There's no guarantees I've heard people have the 2nd and say if they knew the 2nd was going to be so naughty they would have stuck to 1 DC. It's probably a hard phase.