To be annoyed MIL cleaned the bathroom

[Clementinemist]

I went to a hen party over the weekend, and DH's parents popped round for a dinner while I was away. We keep our flat very clean and tidy. Our main bathroom wasn't dirty, but could have done with a light clean; probably some of my hair in the plug/around the shower, cabinet was a bit dusty, mirror needed a polish, a bit of limescale around the taps. I've just started a new job and an evening course, been really busy, and didn't have time to give it a once over before I left. (Just to note DH does his share of housework, I usually do the bathroom).

Anyway, MIL decided to thoroughly clean the bathroom while she was here. She emptied the bin which included my used tampons/sanitary towels, possibly condoms. I'm not awkward or uncomfortable about periods/sex or anything, but that's pretty personal. I'm a bit annoyed that she took it upon herself to clean my home, it's not like it was filthy, and has gone into my bin for no reason whatsoever. AIBU?

I can remember as a young wife being very offended at that sort of thing, my MIL once offered to do a load of ironing and I felt judged and indignant as if I couldn't manage my own housework ..with the wisdom of age I now look back and see she was just offering to do something nice.

chill out ....

I can't imagine anyone doing this with anything other than love in their heart.

DH thinks it's great... doesn't get why I'm not keen on his mum poking around in my things. I think it's also that although she's nice and we get on, I know that MIL is quite judgy and nosy. She's moved all the things around in the cabinet too when there was absolutely no need to touch them at all. It was perfectly neat and ordered.

This happened to me with my MIL so many times. I used to feel really angry because she used to do it whilst I was there and have a kind of tut in her voice. She would ask me for a cloth and cleaner and then start randomly cleaning something when round to visit.
once she even asked me to leave the room (I had a new baby and she was round to visit / help with the baby) Wjen I asked why she wouldn’t say but just repeated it’s ok just go out a moment. I did so to avoid an arguement and she started cleaning the Inside of the fridge.
i used to feel such a failure as a housewife and somehow wasn’t ‘doing my job properly’
Of course DH wasn’t in the slightest bothered and couldn’t understand why k was upset.

She was intrusive and invasive and overstepped the mark imo.

But your bin…… that’s seriously grim.

It depends on the relationship I think. My wonderful adorable sil and dB are not great at cleaning, they are fabulous parents and just lovely people but their house is permanently untidy. When they had their first child they really struggled and my mother went in cleaned and cooked, did laundry and then took the baby so they could get a nights sleep, my sil told me years later that she cried with relief that the house was clean etc but that if her mother had done it she would have felt judged and wanting. My dps have both helped out with house maintaince, gardening and childminding in the years since, I know its appreciated, I know my parents have a fantastic relationship with their dgc and their parents, everyone is happy as a result, I live to far to spend as much time as I'd like with my dps but know my sil is there and she's as good as a daughter to them any day. If my mother in law even visited my house I'd feel uncomfortable because she's a judgemental, critical, two faced old bat who I never intend speaking to again but that's another story.

I think there’s a difference to a family member cleaning when they’re watching your house/kids/pets (ie when they’re alone in your house and doing it to help or keep busy) and doing it when they’re round for dinner.

My mil is fab and often helps clean or do jobs around the house, but never when she’s coming to visit us. Occasionally she’ll ask if we want help and she’ll come to do specifically that, but I’d think it was weird if she came for dinner, nipped to the loo and came back 15 minutes later smelling of bleach and holding the bin bag.

We keep our flat very clean and tidy. Our main bathroom wasn't dirty, but could have done with a light clean; probably some of my hair in the plug/around the shower, cabinet was a bit dusty, mirror needed a polish, a bit of limescale around the taps.

She emptied the bin which included my used tampons/sanitary towels, possibly condoms.

We keep our flat very clean and tidy.

Ok. Anyway, your MIL hugely overstepped and your husband should have stopped her. He also should have cleaned the bathroom himself before they came over. It was in no condition for guests. I would be more annoyed with him, honestly.

Maybe the old used tampons were starting to stink out the bathroom.

I assume she used the bin and thought yuck this needs to be emptied already! Then looked round at the bathroom that actually sounds a bit dirty to me and thought she was doing you a favour. I would put things back wherever in the cabinet if I cleaned and couldn't remember what went where.

She didn't go into your bin, she emptied it.

She was being a mum and doing something lovely for you.

Take a breath and be grateful you don't have to do it!

Your DH was also there so he either explicitly or implicitly gave her permission to do it. And it's his bathroom too.

That bin should have been emptied when guests were coming. I'm pretty laid back with cleaning, but that's a bit yuck.

How do I contact her? I'll have her over tomorrow, if she cleans!

It’s a mum thing and something my mum used to do. She loved ironing too, I have no clue why😐
DH usually does ours but I’m not fussy who does it.

"Are there children in the house?" as a serious concerned question because - horrors - the rubbish bin had rubbish in it. Good grief.

I remember feeling very sidelined and judged when exMIL came to visit/ help after DD1 was born.

She and exH basically cleaned, cooked, went grocery shopping, etc. Yes ,otoh it was lovely to have meals prepared for three days running and not to have to do any washing up, and to have a good few groceries bought and put away, but on the other, it felt as if exH had allowed her to swoop in and rule my roost when I was at a low ebb.

He had allowed her to behave in my home as if she were in her own, including the cosy relationship they had - they spent hours out shopping and chatting together in the kitchen.

You need to sit down with your DP and tell him you feel intruded upon. When you pop in on another household, tidying up after yourself is nice - for instance if you make a cup of coffee, but cleaning a room, emptying your bathroom bin, or rearranging your stuff in the bathroom cupboard is rude.

Two rules to live by:
Leave other people's bathroom bins alone except to deposit items into them.
Don't open other people's bathroom cabinets.

And I think a third is pretty much The Golden Rule - ask yourself would you like it if someone did this to you - really, really, truly, and deep down would you feel they were doing it 'for you' or 'to you' - before you took it upon yourself to clean their bathroom.

I’m with you OP, rude and invasive.

I truly (!!!) understand why this is irritating. My own mother (not a MIL, which is different, I know) has gotten up to all kinds of things in my own house under the guise of "helping," and it's maddening. I would also say ... a few years ago I had a platonic friend who was very sick, and I came to his house and took out the garbage, made a casserole, cleaned, etc., and I could tell that I was irritating the absolute crap out of him, but I couldn't stop because I really wanted to help and I didn't know what else to do or how to be relevant in his life. He died some time later and I always felt like I made a cock-up of the whole thing. So it might be that she just wants to feel needed and thinks this is the best way. Or not!

I think this would piss me off too. I wouldn't want to be cross because it is a nice thing to do on the face of it.

So I would be doubly cross but mostly embarrassed. Minging bathroom's are not the domain of guests.

Not AT ALL saying that I wouldn't be irritated (I would be) or shut it down (I absolutely think you should), just bringing up the idea that she may know on some level that she is driving you nuts and yet is unable to stop herself because in her mind, cleaning is just what women do.

That would piss me off.
I hate it when I'm away with the kids, and MIL comes into the house, usually with DH's abetting, and they change things. Again.
Doesn't seem to matter how many times I point out that it's MY home too, and I really do NOT appreciate people changing it while I'm not there - it makes it feel far less like home when I get back!

Unless there is a backstory here, your MIL behaved the way that I would hope all guests behave when I have given birth. She cooked, cleaned and took care of everything days after you gave birth so that you could rest and look after your baby. The part where you said: "including the cosy relationship they had - they spent hours out shopping and chatting together in the kitchen." What are you insinuating here? What an odd thing to say. I hope my son's don't marry someone who would judge them for having a nice relationship with me and would begrudge them talking to their parents.

I wouldn’t have cleaned it but I'd have left your home very disappointed that my son and his partner were so grubby. Not how either were brought up. I'd have said something to my DS later.

I wouldn't have an issue with this.

So my take on this situation is:

So sorry op but the way you described your bathroom it sounds really grim. Your dh knew his parents were coming round and done nothing about it.

The bathroom bin, sorry but I can't get over it. Why would you leave such dirty/smelly items for so long? I don't have a bathroom bin as the smell/germs are horrific. In fact I have no bins in my house.

I think your mother in law was coming from a place of kindness and love. I think she realized how busy you are by the state of the bathroom and bin and helped through love. Poor woman only came for dinner.

It sounds like you have both fallen into student type of living and you are pissed off maybe due to stress at your mil kindness.

In all honesty she came for dinner used your bathroom and felt the need to deep clean the room. I would be mortified and so grateful.