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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed MIL cleaned the bathroom

421 replies

Clementinemist · 06/05/2022 00:14

I went to a hen party over the weekend, and DH's parents popped round for a dinner while I was away. We keep our flat very clean and tidy. Our main bathroom wasn't dirty, but could have done with a light clean; probably some of my hair in the plug/around the shower, cabinet was a bit dusty, mirror needed a polish, a bit of limescale around the taps. I've just started a new job and an evening course, been really busy, and didn't have time to give it a once over before I left. (Just to note DH does his share of housework, I usually do the bathroom).

Anyway, MIL decided to thoroughly clean the bathroom while she was here. She emptied the bin which included my used tampons/sanitary towels, possibly condoms. I'm not awkward or uncomfortable about periods/sex or anything, but that's pretty personal. I'm a bit annoyed that she took it upon herself to clean my home, it's not like it was filthy, and has gone into my bin for no reason whatsoever. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bangolads · 07/05/2022 18:19

I agree - don’t clean my house unless I have asked for your help. It is rude, it’s a personal space and she has no right going through it. Even if she meant well it’s still rude- boundaries!!

Kayte16 · 07/05/2022 18:20

OP - my own mother does this regularly and it drives me mad - like you said - our house is clean, tidy just maybe sometimes not up to her standards (maybe a few days without being cleaned) but never dirty and the toilet is always especially clean but she always does and even when I’ve said please don’t (politely Of course) she just suggests I’m being unappreciative - I’m not I just find it too personal and I’d rather she didn’t as it’s my home, I don’t know how to stop it either! I get it’s fine if you want them to do it but surely you’d ask but without asking and especially emptying bins it’s just too much in my opinion x

Notdoingthis · 07/05/2022 18:23

I couldn't leave a half full bathroom bin, hairs in the shower etc if I knew visitors were coming. YABU

PaperTyger · 07/05/2022 18:24

Doesn't it depend on her?
Had my dm done this it would be totally kind, non judgemental, to help out.

However mil has been scathing about cleaning,sees it as superiority etc.
So from her it wouldn't be from a kind place.

Knittingchamp · 07/05/2022 18:24

I think her intentions were good, she probably respects how much you do and just wanted to help. I'd have loved it personally! I don't think she meant it the way you took it (unless there's a back story here).

PaperTyger · 07/05/2022 18:26

Ie if my dm did it it's sort of for us...so we would feel better...help us out. From mil it's nasty...we are dirty..how can we live in disgust mess.

TeaFagsandGin · 07/05/2022 18:27

I don't think that you are being unreasonable. While on the face of it she's trying to be helpful she should have asked you as keeping a clean house can go right to the core of being female, as medieval as that sounds.

I would have felt the same and I hate housework. Also, hubby should have kept his mum under control. What did he have to say for himself?

Gwenhwyfar · 07/05/2022 18:31

"Agree with this. How skanky to leave a bin like that."

Where would you put your bathroom bin content if you lived in a flat? Serious question.

Gwenhwyfar · 07/05/2022 18:33

"I would do it for my own daughter but yes that's intrusive."

It's intrusive for your son, but not for your daughter?? Very sexist!

mamabear715 · 07/05/2022 18:33

My late ex-MIL babysat & showed me the saucepans she'd cleaned for me when I got home. She was obviously thinking I was a scruff, not buffing up the bottoms & making them shiny, lol, I pretended to be SO enthusiastic and thanked her profusely. Her expression was hilarious.. ;-)

Gwenhwyfar · 07/05/2022 18:36

Oblomov22 · 06/05/2022 05:38

Your definition of clean isn't mine. 'Very clean and tidy'. Your bathroom wasn't clean at all.
And the condoms left is beyond grim, and will have started to smell.

Again, WTF is someone supposed to do if they live in a flat and don't have an outside bin.
Yes, there will be dirty things in the bin!
Don't look in people's bins.

itbemay · 07/05/2022 18:37

I'd be over the moon! See it as a nice thing

KarmaComma · 07/05/2022 18:43

Whether her intentions were judgy or kind, it's up to you how you decide to take it. Probably the best thing is to assume it was done out of kindness and be happy you're coming back to a sparkling bathroom.

TheHatinaCat · 07/05/2022 18:47

She comes round for dinner and takes it upon herself to clean the bathroom? Seriously, she has ishoos. Does she do this to everyone; friends, family, random strangers?

Next time, hide all the cleaning bottles and cloths! I used to have to do this with an ex-boyfriend. If I wasn't there, his Mum would literally arrive for the weekend and march up the stairs to put a wash on. I used to hide any dirty washing in my car! The woman was a bloody pain in the arse!

TickyTacky · 07/05/2022 18:49

When my kids were small I would have been really upset and taken it as a personal insult. Now my kids are 8&9, anybody who wants to clean my house please let me know!
Mil was trying to be helpful, she didn't mean to upset you though I understand why you were upset. She wouldn't have been judging you and neither am I 😊

InFiveMins · 07/05/2022 18:51

I only read your thread title and immediately voted YABU, OP. I wouldn't give a shit what was in my bin - if someone came and cleaned my bathroom, I'd be over the moon Grin

Longleggedgiraffe · 07/05/2022 18:52

I'd thank her and accept it as a kind gesture. Only if it becomes a habit or hints dropped about what a slut you are for not cleaning every day (been there) would I become annoyed and ask hubby to step in.

Neurodivergent · 07/05/2022 18:54

You're not being unreasonable for feeling like this - this used to happen to me many years ago when my PILs came to visit. At the time I thought this was my MIL basically saying my standards weren't good enough and I felt insulted. But now with hindsight, I see it for what it was. She knew I was busy with work and children and didn't have time to clean my house the way she cleaned hers. And she didn't want to sit around doing nothing when she came to visit when she could see things that needed doing. She wanted to be useful and help. So she cleaned.

I didn't understand this until the time I cleaned everything with a fine toothcomb before her visit so she couldn't find fault with anything. So she cleaned the windows and the lampshades!!!

Plunger · 07/05/2022 19:05

So basically if Mum does it, it's ok. If MIL does it, its shite, rude, etc etc. MIL can't win. Grow up.

Preemptedyou · 07/05/2022 19:11

Clementinemist · 06/05/2022 00:14

I went to a hen party over the weekend, and DH's parents popped round for a dinner while I was away. We keep our flat very clean and tidy. Our main bathroom wasn't dirty, but could have done with a light clean; probably some of my hair in the plug/around the shower, cabinet was a bit dusty, mirror needed a polish, a bit of limescale around the taps. I've just started a new job and an evening course, been really busy, and didn't have time to give it a once over before I left. (Just to note DH does his share of housework, I usually do the bathroom).

Anyway, MIL decided to thoroughly clean the bathroom while she was here. She emptied the bin which included my used tampons/sanitary towels, possibly condoms. I'm not awkward or uncomfortable about periods/sex or anything, but that's pretty personal. I'm a bit annoyed that she took it upon herself to clean my home, it's not like it was filthy, and has gone into my bin for no reason whatsoever. AIBU?

I can see you're a real animal lover OP 🐎

lameasahorse · 07/05/2022 19:11

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Chrispackhamspoodle · 07/05/2022 19:22

My MIL once let herself in and cleaned our entire house while we were on holiday including folding the clothes in our bedroom draws.She thought it was a nice thing to do.I had to take some deep ,calming breaths before I thanked her ...and told her to never clean our house again.It felt so invasive and my house was really clean anyway.It was years ago but I still feel worked up when I think about it.

GG1986 · 07/05/2022 19:23

Yep you have every right to be annoyed, I know they are just trying to help, but it's intrusive and I wouldn't dream of going to her house for dinner, then going to clean her bathroom after.
Years ago me and my OH were away at a wedding for a week, I was 16 weeks pregnant at the time. On the evening my oh called his parents to say hello and his dad told him that mil had let herself into our house without permission and cleaned our house!! I was fuming as know I had left dirty underwear in a pile of washing upstairs. There was a few times where she also let herself into our house when we were there, I put my foot down and told him to get the spare key back asap!

speakout · 07/05/2022 19:24

I found my mother sneaking into my bedroom, taking home some of my OH's shirts- she was taking them home to iron them. She was aghast that I "was sending" my OH to work in unironed shirts.

cinnamonbiscuit · 07/05/2022 19:25

I voted yanbu because my MIL folded my pants last time she looked after DD and it felt so invasive Confused