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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband won't tell me who he voted for today?

339 replies

FreeFlowersForAll · 05/05/2022 23:25

AIBU?

I spoiled my ballot.

My husband won't tell me who he voted for, and he's annoyed that I keep asking? Surely this is the kind of info that should be shared between a man and wife?

OP posts:
GoingOnce · 06/05/2022 10:29

Presumably he knows you’ll bite his head off if he didn’t vote the right way.

Also, you literally didn’t vote. A spoiled ballot isn’t a protest. It’s just a ballot paper that goes in the bin because the person messed up the task.

starfishmummy · 06/05/2022 10:32

Also, you literally didn’t vote. A spoiled ballot isn’t a protest. It’s just a ballot paper that goes in the bin because the person messed up the task

Exactly. Why even bother going.

Labscollie · 06/05/2022 10:32

CowboyFromHell · 06/05/2022 10:02

I always assume that anyone who won’t admit who they voted for voted Tory (but at least has the decency to be slightly ashamed about admitting it).

It’s why the Tories always do better in the end than the pre-election surveys predicted.

I refer you to my post about intolerance, in voting. Who are you to dictate who people vote for? Moreover, why are you trying to shame fellow adults as to how they exercise THEIR vote?

theviscountess · 06/05/2022 10:33

DH and I do tell each other who we’ve voted for, but to be honest you never really know if they’re telling the truth do you? I’m sure DH is but during the brexit referendum he got quite into the leave argument and although he said on the day he voted remain I always have a slight suspicion he voted Leave!

BuanoKubiamVej · 06/05/2022 10:34

YABVVVVU

The right to keep ones vote a secret, even from your own spouse, is a fundamental requiremet of democracy. If a husband was insisting on knowing his wife's vote that would be more obvious warning sign of an abusive relationship. The fact that in your case it's the other way around doesn't make it any more appropriate. Leave it and respect his privacy. You don't get to know everything.

Mulhollandmagoo · 06/05/2022 10:34

MadMadMadamMim · 05/05/2022 23:46

I think you are being unreasonable for the act of 'spoiling your ballot' personally.

It's a ridiculous waste of time and no one will give a shit. After what people went through to get the vote then this type of princessy flouncing is just silly.

You didn't bother to vote, basically. Your choice. But it doesn't gain you the moral high ground in any way and certainly doesn't make you superior to your DH or give you the right to know how he voted.

I wanted to say the same, but couldn't get it down as well as you did @MadMadMadamMim

OP, spoiling a ballot is a pointless waste of time, it's not clever or anything hung to be proud of, and basically just means you didn't vote.

alltheteeshirts · 06/05/2022 10:36

I have a list of dealbreakers when it comes to a partner. For example, we have to be on the same page when it comes to children and money. No compromise.

Politics is one of those dealbreakers. I couldn't be with someone who had opposing views. If someone refuses to tell you who they voted for - well, it's pretty obvious they have a very different opinion...

I don't think you should ask friends and/or wider family. If they volunteer the information, that's different. But when it comes to a life partner? You should both know what the other person believes.

RainingYetAgain · 06/05/2022 10:39

His vote is between him and the ballot paper- like yours is between you and your ballot paper.
No one else has any right to know. I haven't a clue who my DH voted for and vice versa. ( Well OK, we both know neither of us was voting Tory but there were 3 others on the ballot) .

Maisa45 · 06/05/2022 10:46

I think it's very odd to not know who your partner voted for and I think "it's none of your business" is the type of response you'd only get on Mumsnet.

TabithaHazel · 06/05/2022 10:49

You keep badgering him to tell you even though it's clear he doesn't want to? No wonder he is annoyed. If I were him I wouldn't tell you now even if I wanted to to teach you a lesson for being so childish!

AryaStarkWolf · 06/05/2022 10:52

MY DH would tell me but if he didn't want to that's his business too, I really wouldn't care

JudgeJ · 06/05/2022 10:54

FreeFlowersForAll · 05/05/2022 23:25

AIBU?

I spoiled my ballot.

My husband won't tell me who he voted for, and he's annoyed that I keep asking? Surely this is the kind of info that should be shared between a man and wife?

You have no right demanding that anyone tells you their vote, being his wife is irrelevant, you sound very controlling, poor chap.

GeorgesMarvelousCalpol · 06/05/2022 10:57

It's his private business. If you spoiled your vote I'd think you were spoiling for an argument on who he voted for.

katrizia127 · 06/05/2022 10:57

The fact that he won't tell you kind of gives it away, doesn't it? I'd assume he voted for the opposition of whoever I voted for.

JudgeJ · 06/05/2022 10:57

If someone refuses to tell you who they voted for - well, it's pretty obvious they have a very different opinion...

A simpleton's conclusion, we never in 50+ years discussed our voting habits, we were not so controlling of each other. Anyone demanding to be told would be a 'red flag' to me!

Crinklecuts · 06/05/2022 10:58

I think you were unreasonable to spoil your ballot. Why would you waste your time going to vote ?

Malbecfan · 06/05/2022 11:09

It's my 25th wedding anniversary later this month. In all that time, we have both voted in every possible election. One year, I had to vote by proxy for DH and it is the only time I have ever known who he voted for. As it happened, he asked me to select the candidate I would have chosen myself anyway.

I now have adult DDs. I have a strong suspicion of how they have voted, but unless they share it with me, I don't know for certain. We are quite politically engaged; I work in state education and the DDs are students, so our natural inclinations are broadly aligned. We discuss politics at the table and are mostly in agreement as a family. In our constituency, tactical voting is the best way to get rid of the incumbent and we have discussed it many times. That does not mean that I know how any of them actually voted on the day.

HectorGloop · 06/05/2022 11:10

my DH believes that you should never say who you voted for. I don’t know who he has voted for in any election ever. That’s his right.

I’m happy to tell him who I voted for if he asks. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn’t.

we are grown up enough to discuss politics and elections and general social issues. Sometimes we agree, often we don’t. If I had to guess, I would say he generally votes differently to me. But that’s fine, because we are allowed to disagree.

doesn’t mean our relationship is unequal in any way, just that we respect each other’s boundaries.

Original poster
FreeFlowersForAll · 06/05/2022 11:13

I spoiled my ballot because, as a feminist, I have nobody to vote for. However, I would like my vote counted. Being counted in the "spoiled" pile is better than not voting for me.

I'm not pestering my husband. I asked him at first, and he wouldn't tell me, and it became a bit of a joke throughout the day. He's not telling me to wind me up, I think.

OP posts:
RoostasTowel · 06/05/2022 11:13

Are you sure he voted? Maybe he's embarrassed to tell you he forgot it was election day.

DressingGownofDoom · 06/05/2022 11:22

Labscollie · 06/05/2022 09:55

For those saying he no doubt voted Tory, you're the reason why people keep their votes secret. Aside from it being nobody else's business, it is HIS choice, not yours.

I'd keep it quiet too if I'd voted for Senator Palpatine.

PeacockPartyTime · 06/05/2022 11:26

You sound controlling, let the man have some privacy. And why spoil your ballot? Are you trying to be some 'cool' rebel because all you're doing is causing people more work. Stay away from the station if you're just going to act like a twat.

Lbushsgkm · 06/05/2022 11:30

Reading between the lines OP, you’re a conservative voter who’s boycotting the current government but couldn’t bring yourself to vote labour. You think DH has either voted labour or conservative and are pissed off about it.

Lbushsgkm · 06/05/2022 11:31

Aha just read your update above. Fair enough!

Tilltheend99 · 06/05/2022 11:31

It’s a bit rich to complain that he won’t tell you considering you didn’t even vote for a councillor. (You vote for a local councillor to represent the interests of your area on the local council at local elections not a party although you can vote along party lines if you like. All of your local candidates must have been pretty dire for you to spoil your ballot as it’s not really the same as ‘sending a message’ in a general election imo.)