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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nobody offered to pay today

241 replies

Justcallmeanatm · 05/05/2022 21:12

Went out for a meal should have been 4 of us. Picked up friend and her Mil. Met 4th friend at the restaurant to find out the friend I had picked up had invited one of her other friends. Ok no biggie so far. We all sat talking eventually I said should we order drinks every one put there order in and I go to the bar order and pay for them
When I got back to the table the extra guests husband had just sat down (only met him and his wife once before) asked him what he wanted to drink go and buy it sit down.
After about 30 mins we decided to order food. So they were all shouting out their orders to me wtf. I said ok whose going up to order nobody answered. Felt embarrassed at the silence so I stood up with my purse and asked if someone else would come with me to order. Friend came with me and husband of extra guest. Ordered the food for us four friends the the husband shouted out his order. It was rang up and the server said the amount due. They just stood there quiet not offering to pay any part of the bill so I pay. Got back to the table two more guests more family members of the friend I had picked up ok wtaf. Anyway I didn't buy them a drink they got their own and didn't stay to eat. Sorry for the ramble but my question aibu to think that the friend I picked up was taking the piss inviting all these other people and aibu to think they were all taking the piss not offering to pay for their drink or their food. And no I am not well off but I am bloody annoyed and upset
Should have said I have name changed for this

OP posts:
mowglika · 06/05/2022 15:48

OP I’m sorry you’re upset about what happened. Next time let everyone go up by themselves to order or let the Waiter take the order at the table. No problem.

I’ve never offered to place everyone’s order for them, it doesn’t make sense and this may be why they thought you were paying.

CJSmith2019 · 06/05/2022 15:51

mowglika · 06/05/2022 15:48

OP I’m sorry you’re upset about what happened. Next time let everyone go up by themselves to order or let the Waiter take the order at the table. No problem.

I’ve never offered to place everyone’s order for them, it doesn’t make sense and this may be why they thought you were paying.

I agree. Speak up if out with those people again. 'Right, we all need to order individually and the waiter has confirmed that we can pay separately.' They saw you coming, unfortunately.

PaterPower · 06/05/2022 16:42

It’s incredible that none of the others there offered up cash for their share of the bill!

I’d never assume that someone I didn’t know would be picking up the bill (and I’d be a bit embarrassed if they insisted on it). Maybe the friend’s additional guests thought that SHE was splitting with you to cover their share…? Although that seems unlikely.

Did your MIL at least offer you a contribution?

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/05/2022 16:50

Ok if you’re not going to ask them for the money, it’s time to do something more productive. Ie Build strategies into your life for not being the one, who pays, rolls over etc.

Next time, they should pay. Perhaps you could text them and say, had a lovely evening, would like to do it again. Whose turn is it to pay?

Or next time if you do order a meal and no one coughs up, have the confidence to turn to the person taking the order and say. ‘I am sorry. There has been a misunderstanding. I am not paying for all the meals. Could I just pay for x.’

Kite22 · 06/05/2022 17:22

Nowomenaroundeh · 06/05/2022 12:09

This is awful. Am I right that all the extra guests came from the one friend? And it was this friend who stood silently while you paid?

Honestly I think the worst part is not the money but the feeling of being taken advantage of.

I would message your two friends a brief WhatsApp "hi, can you both settle up your respective bills. It's X for you (single friend) and Y for your group. Here are my details. Thanks"

Hold a hard line and don't be dragged into any justification (sorry but I need the money) or negotiation (well I'll pay for mine but not them) just stay breezy and firm.

You probably won't get all your money back but you will feel much better. And don't stay friends with this person. She's horrible.

This is perfect. Then up to cf friend if she pays for all the extra people she invited, or then passes it on and asks them for their share to be returned to her. Just state it as if it were obvious / what they will be expecting. Don't apologise.

Standard etiquette - at least here in the UK - is that whoever invites their guests pays as they're the host.
For example if it was your birthday and you asked some people to join you for dinner you'd pick up the table bill. Alternatively if your friends wanted to treat you as the birthday girl or whatever, you'd wait for them to issue an invite to you for dinner.
Not in my world it isn't, and I've mixed in quite a few different circles in the UK.

Axahooxa · 06/05/2022 17:22

That’s awful! How could they think that was ok?

AgentJohnson · 06/05/2022 17:26

Newsflash, CF’s are a thing, relying on people, especially strangers, to do the right thing is silly. They took you for a mug because you let them. In future everyone paying their way should be your new standard. If my partner paid for drinks and food for strangers because he felt awkward, I’d be steaming.

create that WhatsApp group ASAP!

Chickychoccyegg · 06/05/2022 17:38

My friends and I occasionally go to a greene king place near us, we usually order and pay for our own, I dont understand why you didn't just order your own food and drink, that's what I would've done in that situation, wouldn't even cross my mind to order and pay for a bunch of random people, if you find yourself there again, just order for you, every else can sort themselves out.
I'd definitely WhatsApp everyone with the bill and bank details asking for your money back, they all sound an absolute disgrace.

user1471538283 · 06/05/2022 17:41

I would chase this money down to prove a point and never do this again. Order and pay for your own.

Katyrosebug · 06/05/2022 17:44

I voted yabu but only because you didn't say something or just pay for your meal

myusernamewastakenbyme · 06/05/2022 17:50

God thats awful...im livid on your behalf...i dont expect friends or family to pay for me let alone strangers...they all have brass necks.

NorthernLights5 · 06/05/2022 18:10

Well I couldn't pay for everyone (even if I was a mug) because I couldn't afford it!

Surely those types of places everyone orders their own. I just can't believe someone would be so passive and pay for everyone. If everyone just sat in silence you should have just gone up, ordered yours and said "I've ordered mine but asked them to bring all our tables food out together so whoever wants to go next can order theirs".

NorthernLights5 · 06/05/2022 18:16

Standard etiquette - at least here in the UK - is that whoever invites their guests pays as they're the host.
For example if it was your birthday and you asked some people to join you for dinner you'd pick up the table bill. Alternatively if your friends wanted to treat you as the birthday girl or whatever, you'd wait for them to issue an invite to you for dinner. So people who aren't rich can never suggest an activity because they'll be expected to pay? Honestly I think it's terrible etiquette and really rude to turn up anywhere and everywhere you're invited and expect someone else to pay for you. Are you not embarrassed as you force your "friends" to pay/sit there in silence waiting for them to pay? So, so rude.

Kisskiss · 06/05/2022 18:30

Instead of being upset at yourself, fix it by sending a text to the friends you have numbers for, telling them that you’ve worked out the bill and they owe u ‘x’ and where to transfer it..
oh and ask the friend who invited randoms along to pay on their behalf and she can collect from them.

theres nothing to be embarassed about sending that text and they know they owe you money , and it’ll look like you’ve only just had the chance to split the bill..

so, pick yourself up and send the text and stop feeling sorry for yourself, because it fixes nothing

dementedpixie · 06/05/2022 18:37

ouch321 · 06/05/2022 00:37

At least the food and drink was reasonably cheap if it came out at circa £50 for the total group bill; at least it wasn't a steakhouse or some such whereas the cost would have been that amount per head.

Weird though.

Standard etiquette - at least here in the UK - is that whoever invites their guests pays as they're the host.

For example if it was your birthday and you asked some people to join you for dinner you'd pick up the table bill. Alternatively if your friends wanted to treat you as the birthday girl or whatever, you'd wait for them to issue an invite to you for dinner.

So perhaps your pal told her friends that you'd extended the invite to them.

That's a load of bollocks
If we go out for an (adult) birthday meal our etiquette is to pay for our own meals and to split the birthday persons meal between us so they don't pay.

Cherrysoup · 06/05/2022 19:08

What the hell were they laying at? I’d find it them incredibly rude. But why didn’t you ask them for money?

britneyisfree · 06/05/2022 19:26

Did they even say thank you????

Buzzinwithbez · 06/05/2022 20:06

Please do ask for the money. It's good practise for another time and I bet you'll feel so proud of yourself when you do.

There are lots of suggestions for doing it in a breezy way if you don't want to let on how you feel.

MsTSwift · 06/05/2022 22:00

An organiser at my child’s sports club sent a nice breezy “lovely as your children are I don’t want to buy them all dinner so please send £14 to [bank details]”

xsquared · 07/05/2022 01:01

You won't let this happen again and you can salvage it by posting the receipt, hopefully all itemised and telling them to send you the money via bank transfer.

You need to chase this up and let them know that you are not letting them get away with it.

NumberTheory · 07/05/2022 03:42

xsquared · 07/05/2022 01:01

You won't let this happen again and you can salvage it by posting the receipt, hopefully all itemised and telling them to send you the money via bank transfer.

You need to chase this up and let them know that you are not letting them get away with it.

She will let it happen again because she’s already said she won’t ask anyone to transfer the money they owe as she is “too embarrassed”. So she’s learnt nothing from the whole debacle.

YilingMatriarch · 07/05/2022 04:55

Money well spent I'd say on culling the herd. I'd be looking at your circle of friends/Aqua at

YilingMatriarch · 07/05/2022 04:57

.... friends/acquaintance and see who actual fits the bill. I think the money is a sunk cost at this stage as you probably won't end up asking for it.

UsernameA1B2 · 07/05/2022 07:03

Sorry that happened to you OP. Send them the bill. These people aren't your friend. You neee to stand up to CF's.
When I started university and was a very very shy 18 year old I was invited to a friends meal at a pub. I was so shy I had selected mutism at school. It was a big group, there was lots of people I didn't know. I ordered a cheap burger and drink meal and one of the girls that ordered cocktails, starters and expensive mains said we are splitting the bill. It would have meant I paid triple. I told this girl what I ordered and what it cost and that's all I was paying. I stood my ground and I only paid for what I ordered. A couple of guys who ordered the same as me overheard then did the same as me. CF's get away with it because you let them. If I can stand up to them so can you.

Marvellousmadness · 07/05/2022 07:32

Yabu!
Foe paying
And for not asking them to pay

This is on you op
Stand up for youself .
Send them a venmo . Get them to pay! Now!

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