Nobody offered to pay today

[Justcallmeanatm]

Went out for a meal should have been 4 of us. Picked up friend and her Mil. Met 4th friend at the restaurant to find out the friend I had picked up had invited one of her other friends. Ok no biggie so far. We all sat talking eventually I said should we order drinks every one put there order in and I go to the bar order and pay for them
When I got back to the table the extra guests husband had just sat down (only met him and his wife once before) asked him what he wanted to drink go and buy it sit down.
After about 30 mins we decided to order food. So they were all shouting out their orders to me wtf. I said ok whose going up to order nobody answered. Felt embarrassed at the silence so I stood up with my purse and asked if someone else would come with me to order. Friend came with me and husband of extra guest. Ordered the food for us four friends the the husband shouted out his order. It was rang up and the server said the amount due. They just stood there quiet not offering to pay any part of the bill so I pay. Got back to the table two more guests more family members of the friend I had picked up ok wtaf. Anyway I didn't buy them a drink they got their own and didn't stay to eat. Sorry for the ramble but my question aibu to think that the friend I picked up was taking the piss inviting all these other people and aibu to think they were all taking the piss not offering to pay for their drink or their food. And no I am not well off but I am bloody annoyed and upset
Should have said I have name changed for this

Literally all this would have taken was for you to say to the bar sever, once you’d put the order in, “thanks very much I’m paying for x and y [your own food] my friends will be up in a sec to pay for their orders.” I just don’t know how grown adults get into these bizarre situations.

Well they're clearly a big bunch of bellends. Who does that?!!
You're obviously a very nice person who has been taken advantage of.
Please do message the friend you know best (the one who invited all the randoms)& ask for the payments to be transfered, I understand its awkward but sometimes you have to face these situations or it'll piss you off forever more.
In future spend your time with people who deserve you and make you happy.

You need to possibly draw a line under this experience but ensure that it absolutely doesn't happen again. Think through carefully about how you deal with this the next time.

Why would they go out and expect you to pay?! They're CF's and I'd be demanding the money back.

You need to set up a what’s app group and ask them all to transfer you there share. If you don’t know there numbers message friend and tell her to sort it. You were a mug for doing it though.

So you haven’t learned anything from this? Text them! Why would they feel bad? As far as they know you are super generous and wanted to buy them lunch. (Yes, most would offer to reimburse). But they’ve literally forgotten about this by now.

why would you take shit from your husband (I have a sneaking suspicion, that he’ll be mad because this isn’t the first time this has happened) and not let them feel discomfort?

General Rant not directed at you:

This is why I disagree with this “be kind” fall over yourself to not make others feel bad. Screw that, teach your daughters to treat people with respect but demand the same in return. Don’t condition them or let others condition them to put others first to their detriment.

I was you op- a soft touch.

I am now in recovery mode. Getting better with each new situation. I can see how it escalated so you can avoid the awkwardness.

It's ok. Don't regret. Learn from it. Be stronger next time. Every situation teaches us something.

In a similar situation, having two options helps, like some pp have said e.g. 'Shall we go halves, or pay for our own.' (If two people for example). Or the tab idea- again choose two options to guve them if there is an awkward silence, I dont know- tab or split the bill kind of thing.

I know it is awkward and embarrassing , but I would still say, try to get out of your comfort zone and go with the whatsapp idea.

Then slowly (or quickly) distance yourself.

Good luck.

If you're stupid, then i'm stupid too. But getting cleverer day by day.

At least the food and drink was reasonably cheap if it came out at circa £50 for the total group bill; at least it wasn't a steakhouse or some such whereas the cost would have been that amount per head.

Weird though.

Standard etiquette - at least here in the UK - is that whoever invites their guests pays as they're the host.

For example if it was your birthday and you asked some people to join you for dinner you'd pick up the table bill. Alternatively if your friends wanted to treat you as the birthday girl or whatever, you'd wait for them to issue an invite to you for dinner.

So perhaps your pal told her friends that you'd extended the invite to them.

I just don't understand how rude some people can be but I wonder if OP has form for paying and they simply assumed she would. That is not to say it is OK to behave like that, it is not.
OP I am sorry this happened to you and hope you never allow a repeat performance

This

Aww OP don’t cry. I’m so sorry there are cheeky twats out there who treat nice people like you like mugs.

I think the WhatsApp idea is good, with the receipt. I think your friends are CFs if they think you should pay

Bloody he'll OP you really need to work on your assertiveness. Whenever we go out with friends we get the bill and then all pay our share, normally just split. I wouldn't even pay for it all and get the money back off everyone. If it was order and pay at the bar I would have gone and paid for mine and then said 'is no/one else going to order.

Did you organise this? Could they have thought that you were inviting and paying? I would be texting them and asking them to transfer their share.

Having said that OP please be aware that this isn't normal behaviour from others, it is CF of the highest order. These people are rude.

How did it end OP? Did they thank you for treating them or just keep quiet about the small matter of paying for their food/drinks?

What?! You did not get money back frim them?
New rule: you pay for yoyr food and drink. Rest of the world pays for theirs! Only pay for your children or OH or family if needed. Friends can, and will, pay for theirs.
By the way, are you in UK or other country? Thinking twice, in some countries when you invite someone for dinner it means you pay. And they are meant to invite you back at some point.

Your good nature has been taken advantage of. You have to learn to stand up for yourself as others will continue to take the piss. Why are you embarrassed about asking for the money? They should be embarrassed about how they’ve treated you. Thankfully you were somewhere cheap but you do need to learn to speak up for yourself. You now feel bad. Would it have been awful to have just ordered your own and then gone back and said the others needed to go individually as it was pay at the bar.

I have ended up doing things like this

You're not a doormat it's an anxiety thing

The replies here haven't been very supportive

I'm sorry this happened it's a disgrace and they are NOT your friends

Ask for the money on a group what's app and then also never see them again

Bullies

You definitely need to text them! I'm sorry that this happened to you.

I'm always harping on about splitting the bill. I've been out on numerous meals (with some guests I hardly know) who sit there ordering shots/ expensive alcohol and I don't drink at all. They got the arse when I said no - I'll be paying my share, not splitting the bill.

It's bizarre how people want to buy all these things and yet expect others to fund their lifestyle.

Very strange. Almost something abusive / bullying about this dynamic - lots of them and you too frightened to stand up for yourself

I'm so shocked it's even got to this... 1. Who goes out and expects someone else to pay? Especially someone you barely know! And 2. Why on earth did you not just ask for the money then and there.

But anyway... I'd just message them all now and say 'sorry we forgot to sort the money out for the food before. Can you send me X for yours thanks'.

Why would you be embarrassed?! They should be embarrassed.

Mm the update that one of them said they'd get you a drink next time shows it's not an innocent mistake.

I can see why you didn't ask at the time, such behaviour is not normal
I'd message the "friend" "Friend I didn't mean to pay for todays meal. I'm not sure why people didn't pay me back for their share, so can you get the money from them. Here's a copy of the bill."

See what happens- how long has she been a friend for ?

You should definitely text them.
Make the text sound like you always assumed they would be paying/transferring you the money.

"Hi everyone,
Had a lovely evening with you all. Here are my bank details so you can transfer me the money for your meals.
See you all soon"

You said you wanted to stop being a soft touch... start now!

Well like I said, you were the only one I'd noticed who'd actually called her stupid..maybe I missed the others who used that word, but that doesn't change my opinion on your post, they would be equally out of order.

I mean, I don't think many would disagree that calling someone stupid is rude TBH would they 🤷🏽‍♀️ OP was clearly already kicking herself so what was the point in you 'affirming' she's stupid 🙄 I seriously can't believe you would dig your heels in and continue to call her stupid. I think we should move on instead of labouring the point as it's not fair to derail OPs thread in that way.

This!