Nobody offered to pay today

[Justcallmeanatm]

Went out for a meal should have been 4 of us. Picked up friend and her Mil. Met 4th friend at the restaurant to find out the friend I had picked up had invited one of her other friends. Ok no biggie so far. We all sat talking eventually I said should we order drinks every one put there order in and I go to the bar order and pay for them
When I got back to the table the extra guests husband had just sat down (only met him and his wife once before) asked him what he wanted to drink go and buy it sit down.
After about 30 mins we decided to order food. So they were all shouting out their orders to me wtf. I said ok whose going up to order nobody answered. Felt embarrassed at the silence so I stood up with my purse and asked if someone else would come with me to order. Friend came with me and husband of extra guest. Ordered the food for us four friends the the husband shouted out his order. It was rang up and the server said the amount due. They just stood there quiet not offering to pay any part of the bill so I pay. Got back to the table two more guests more family members of the friend I had picked up ok wtaf. Anyway I didn't buy them a drink they got their own and didn't stay to eat. Sorry for the ramble but my question aibu to think that the friend I picked up was taking the piss inviting all these other people and aibu to think they were all taking the piss not offering to pay for their drink or their food. And no I am not well off but I am bloody annoyed and upset
Should have said I have name changed for this

In a decent world she shouldn’t have needed to speak up. No one would have assumed she was going to pay for everyone. This world is full of selfish, entitled cheeky fuckers and arseholes.

Just found that post.

I don't think I will ask them to transfer the money too embarrassed but I will never do that again
Thank you again for all your posts I do appreciate them all

@Justcallmeanatm

Being uncomfortable for a moment is better than being treated as a doormat in the long run. They were relying on you on being too embarrassed to ask for the money back, and they got exactly what they wanted.

You absolutely need to ask them to transfer the money to make it clear that you won't be taken advantage of.

I wouldn't be going for drinks or meals with these people again, but if you are even in this position again, just pay for your own. Tell the person at the bar you are paying separately. No one should ever assume somebody else is going to pay for their meal, but it seems like you'be been unlucky with CFs.

Who’s idea was the meal? Had you invited them? I can’t see on earth why they’d think it was your treat? I’d be texting right now saying ‘your share of the bill came to £x and my bank details are xxx’.

Standard etiquette - at least here in the UK - is that whoever invites their guests pays as they're the host.

No it isn’t.

Exactly this. It really isn’t.

This experience probably isn't the only time you've been taken advantage of is it @Justcallmeanatm ? You've mentioned that you're a 'soft touch' and unfortunately this group probably knew that.

I can totally understand the anxiety and sense of humiliation that you feel having struggled with people pleasing and lack of assertiveness and boundaries in the past. I can remember going travelling with someone in my youth and everytime we went out for meals she would hold back when the bill came, so I paid and she never offered to refund me. Not once. I was too scared to ask for money, like you, so she completely took advantage of me. Resulting in me needing to get a job ASAP when we left the place we were living in, whilst she had a very full bank account. I still cringe when I think about it.

I would suggest that you find some help for this problem as it won't just go away. You need to work on assertiveness and boundary setting. There are courses you can go on. Also some therapy if you can access it. People pleasing is a defensive mechanism often set up in childhood particularly if your feelings and needs were dismissed. You develop with a mind set that others are more important than you and you bend yourself into impossible shapes to avoid conflict and upsetting people.

It may seem ridiculous to others when you're an adult to allow something like this to happen but it can be a very debilitating trait that attracts CFs that use and abuse you The only way to avoid this is to set boundaries which is where the terror kicks in. But with time and practice (and some help) you can get over this.

Just to add, because you didn't ask for the money when you paid the bill, the group probably thought you were okay with it which is a self perpetuating problem. Whatever their reasons were not to offer, you are just as responsible for the outcome in that you didn't make your intentions explicit to them.

If you don’t feel brave enough to ask for the money, put this one down to experience, but make an effort to resolve this trait of yours so it doesn't happen again.

Why did you just pay for these people? I just don’t understand it when people on here moan about stuff because they didn’t bother to speak up. I’d be really pissed off if I’d done something my mate didn’t like, and instead of telling me about it they’d gone on the Internet for a moan. Stop being such a doormat.

BoredZelda
It was a catch up for 3 friends and 1 friend had mil staying so obviously she was invited. But the friend with mil invited the two extra that had lunch and the 2 that only had a drink those 2 paid for there drinks
I called the friend that invited the others and she said she didn't know they had not paid and that the man was known for being tight fisted. She said she thought it would be nice to all get together and that her and mil really enjoyed it. My dh yes I bet they did. At no point in the phone call did friend offer to pay she said she didn't know who had paid and she was GOING to offer to pay but the bill had already been paid. So BoredZelda yes I agree the person inviting the extra guest should have paid for her and them. It will not be happening again, yes I was a mug but I was embarrassed to ask for the money. It was also as if the friend was having a grand reunion and it was her show. Thank you to everyone that has replied I know I was taken for an idiot and I know it was my fault. As I said I will not be doing it again because I will not be going out with them again

So, despite asking for our thoughts, you have just ignored all advice.

All you had to say, when you were discussing it, was, "So if you send me £X that will cover yours, your MiLs, and the 2 friends you invited and then it is up to you how you sort it out with them. My bank details are xxxxx"

It wasn’t your fault. Your friend isn’t a friend. Even after that, she still didn’t offer to at least pay you back for her own meal…. Sounds like she’s the tight-fisted one.

I called the friend that invited the others and she said she didn't know they had not paid and that the man was known for being tight fisted. She said she thought it would be nice to all get together and that her and mil really enjoyed it. My dh yes I bet they did. At no point in the phone call did friend offer to pay she said she didn't know who had paid and she was GOING to offer to pay but the bill had already been paid.

After your "friend" had said this, was nothing said about who did she think paid it, and in fact you had so she can now pay you if she was "GOING" to offer to pay. I do totally sympathise as I feel like I've been taken for a mug in the past, never on this scale but I've encountered many a CF over the years. Please do message the people whose numbers you have telling them that you paid for all of the food and drinks and that you need that money back. As others have said before say it in a breezy kind of way as if you were waiting for it to be offered but as it has not yet then you thought you best remind everyone before it gets forgotten about. Please do this as whats to say it won't happen again (not necessarily with the same people) if you don't stand up for yourself. Good luck x

YABU being a doormat sorry to say.

I suspect some had turned up not wanting food? And there was no need for you to go and order a round. You could easily say you were going to the bar to get a drink and would anyone else like to come. With the food order you can say "I'm not paying for everyone" then stand there like a lemon with the other 2 people, a solution would find itself or the order would be cancelled. You could have ordered something just for yourself if clearly nobody else wanted to pay to eat there.

Learn from this and don't repeat the same mistake.

If you don't want to associate with the friend again that is also fine.

Good luck

It's still not too late to ask your friend to pay, OP. Now you know she has no intention of offering to pay, you can ask her.

I agree wholeheartedly with this. Whether or not she does pay you will feel much better about the situation.

I'm speaking from experience. Only last night my DP had to dictate a text for me with no excuses or apologies "Hi, still no payment received. Can you send your address, my partner will come to collect." It's hard. But it's satisfying (and the money arrived within the hour with an apology).

How many hours or minutes did you have to work to earn the money to pay for them? I'm sure you could have spent that time or that money in a better way.

Message your friend. "Here are my bank details. The total owing is X. That's X amount for your meal and X amount for your guests. I'll leave you to work out your reimbursement with them." I would not get into any back and forth about details except to say "They were your guests not mine. I am very annoyed I have had to resort to asking for this back instead of you offering straightaway."

No apologies or justification. I promise it will be extremely liberating to send the message. I'd write off the friendship if she is difficult about this.

Also if she does pay but with any sulky "I can't believe you are making ME pay" type attitude my only response would be "I can't believe you forced me to ask".